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+2 votes
I was recently in the hospital for a suicide attempt and had a one to one after getting 58 stitched. While there i met a security guard at miriam hospital who was my one to one and works for APG security. I talked to him alot about what had happened to me in my past. He asked me out while I was there and we started talking and went on a few dates.
      He wanted to sleep with me and I told him I wasnt ready. On sunday he came to my house and said we should smoke a blunt. After smoking i started falling asleep in my lap and when i would wake up i physically  couldnt move no matter how hard i tried, i  was terrified. Every time i woke up he was touchine me then woke up in a different position to him raping me. He got their at 1 and left around 11 to go work his shift. I couldnt move for an hour after he left and finally was able to call the police, was escorted by police and ambulance to the er where i had a rape kit and was treated for my many physical injuries and got home yesterday morning and taken in by the police and they searched the house.
    I have a plan in my head to overdose on my meds that lower my bp and to cut. I cant handle it I feel so disgusting. And i had to go to rih today for an appt scared to death he was working. The hospital and police said the blunt was laced with ketamine and the detective was out sick today so i couldnt get an update on the case. I just moved here and started over and now i hate my apartment, and jump at every noise.
   Im sleeping on a bare bed be ause the police took all my bedding even my pillows and sheets and thats all i had so i dont even have a blanket and looking at my bed gives me flashbacks. I have no family as i was in state care and no other place to stay for my safety so i just want to give up and not be hurt anymore. I have numerous health problems also including chiari malformation, ehelers danlos syndrome, marfans, cranio ervical instabilty,  multiple spontaneous pneumothraxes, gasto paresis and am very disabled and have had 23 surgeries. And am always in pain
  I feel like he took advantage of everything i told him i feel like this is the only way to escape and theres no other options
Country: United States

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5 Answers

+2 votes
Dear Kendell,

You don't need to fight this alone. There are many people who care about you and want to protect and help you. Please contact the police right away and tell them that you are suicidal and you need urgent health service.

Please trust me that there are better options and true solutions. You need lots of help and support at this time before you can see this.

Please also call RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline: 800-656-4673
And the Lifeline: 800-273-8255

Please don't let this evil person ruin your life and others. There is a future and there is hope.

God bless you!
+1 vote
Profile Photo by goodwill ANGEL24K (33.8k points)   5 12 59
OH Sweetie,
You did nothing wrong! He took advantage of you. He was a predator, and he had this all planned. I can't even imagine what you are going through but as Hope said, you do not have to go through this alone. We are here for you. Talk to your landlord, see if you can't switch apartments. Please call the hotline. You need help. You need counseling, and while you can come here and talk to us any time, a professional can help you immensely.

Please don't kill yourself. This horrible person is not worth your life. Don't let him take that from you as well. Join the site and message me, or come back here. Let's talk about this. Please don't give up. Hold your head up. You are not to blame here. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
Big hug!
0 votes
Profile Photo by dolphin007 ANGEL24K (309k points)   7 7 12
Greetings Kendell... try to click on the URL that will surely heal your mind, body & soul...


Verses in the Holy Bible about healing:

Isaiah 41:10 ESV / 376 helpful votes

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Jeremiah 17:14 ESV / 314 helpful votes

Heal me, O Lord, and I shall be healed; save me, and I shall be saved, for you are my praise.

1 Peter 2:24 ESV / 277 helpful votes

He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed.

Jeremiah 33:6 ESV / 262 helpful votes

Behold, I will bring to it health and healing, and I will heal them and reveal to them abundance of prosperity and security.

Isaiah 53:5 ESV / 251 helpful votes

But he was wounded for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his stripes we are healed.

Psalm 103:2-4 ESV / 231 helpful votes

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,

James 5:15 ESV / 209 helpful votes

And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven.

James 5:14 ESV / 150 helpful votes

Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord.

James 5:16 ESV / 143 helpful votes

Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

3 John 1:2 ESV / 126 helpful votes

Beloved, I pray that all may go well with you and that you may be in good health, as it goes well with your soul.

Proverbs 17:22 ESV / 114 helpful votes

A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.

Matthew 10:1 ESV / 111 helpful votes

And he called to him his twelve disciples and gave them authority over unclean spirits, to cast them out, and to heal every disease and every affliction.

Psalm 147:3 ESV / 110 helpful votes

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Matthew 10:8 ESV / 107 helpful votes

Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse lepers, cast out demons. You received without paying; give without pay.

Deuteronomy 7:15 ESV / 97 helpful votes

And the Lord will take away from you all sickness, and none of the evil diseases of Egypt, which you knew, will he inflict on you, but he will lay them on all who hate you.

Philippians 4:19 ESV / 86 helpful votes

And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.

Psalm 41:3 ESV / 85 helpful votes

The Lord sustains him on his sickbed; in his illness you restore him to full health.

Proverbs 4:20-22 ESV / 71 helpful votes

My son, be attentive to my words; incline your ear to my sayings. Let them not escape from your sight; keep them within your heart. For they are life to those who find them, and healing to all their flesh.
Thank you guys i have contacted the police and cannot find a safe house this has been sooo hard. I just dont know what to do. I hurt myself and am really trying not to  do anything else I will regret but the man that raped me is threatening me as he has been fired from his job because of the incident but not arrested yet
+1 vote
Profile Photo by mike (370 points)   1
I was abused when I was a child and feel suicidal most of the time.  I have some concerns that make me feel different.  So I might know a little bit of how you are feeling.  I have managed to live each day, some good, some not so good and have managed to see my daughter grow up and help her to be happy.  She now helps me.

Talking to others was and is good for me, when it's the right person or the right councilor.  Talking to myself is not always good as I am on my inside and I don't know all the answers.  But talking and even just being in the park or library with others around helped.  Some days it takes me all day getting out the door, but I get there.  If you think I might be some one to talk with email me.  I check emails every day.  

Talking with some one near or far away can be a good thing at times.  When  it feels ok and when it doesn't.  If this helps, good.  If not maybe it will later.  Keep going Kendell, there are good days ahead, I know, I have been there and managed to be a survivor.  You can too.

: )  this smile is for when you need it    It helped me
Mike I would live to email you how do i do that on this site. IT would be wonderful to have someone to talk to that can relate. I was also abused as a child by my alcoholic mother and was in and out of DCYF til I aged out 3 years ago when I turned 21. Alit of had things happened to me with my mother, the men in her life, and foster homes, I had worked on theae issues but this is all bringing it back. I THOUGHT IT WAS MY FAULT AT FIRST FOR TRUSTING HIM BUT MY PSYCHIATRIST IN TRAUMA GEOUP SAID PPL WITH PTSD tend to not notice the red flags as much and become targets. So im doing exposure therapy, Trauma and PTSD groups, and acceptance and commitment therapy but i still cant stop my STUPID mind from wanting to kill myself and im scared because the last attempt this month left me with permanent damage and almost dead from the overdose on Minipres and blood volume loss and stitches. I dont want to have these thoughts its like theres to ppl in my head. One wants to live and be successfull and finish nuraing school, the other tells me just give up it would be easier, and makes detailed plans such as cutting, overdosing, shooting myself, but the one i rlly cant stop glorifying is jumping off the bridge near my house. I figure it would be painless and i couldnt possibly survive. I walked to the start of the bridge the other day at 2 am and thank god I saw a number for the Samaritans on a sign and called them.weird coincidence. I hate these dark thoughts and hope i can make it through
+1 vote
Profile Photo by Polchies ANGEL3000+ (3.8k points)   1 3 4
Hello, first just let me express how deeply sorry I am to hear that this has happened to you. On that note, there are pieces to your story which I am having a hard time understanding. You said that this man is/was a security guard at the hospital where you were treated? What i don't understand is why was there a security guard permitted access to the room of a suicidal patient? It is usually the law that when someone is admitted to hospital on suicide watch that they be kept seperate from anyone and everyone aside from the primary doctor and a councillor due to the fact that with suicide patients it is usually very hard to tell excatly what or whom may set them off again, so solitude and isolation are the common ways to maintain a suicide patient. Also, if this man is/was a security guard, how was he able to maintain a drug use? Security guards are suppose to be tested for drug and alcohol use on a very strict and regular basis. Also, what bothers me the most, is why you would allow this man access to your home after being released from the hospital? I understand that you developed a friendly relationship with him while in the hospital, but, with the severe uprise in rape and sodomy, why take the chance? I am in no way saying that what happened is your fault, because it isn't in any way your fault. The fact that this happened to you when you were already in a state of suicidal mentality only adds to the condition and the issues stemming from it. I do hope that this man has since been arrested and that he is held to the fullest extent of the law in your area. Rape on it's own is one of the hardest things to overcome and deal with, and to add on your previous condition is worse. The thing that you have to remember and have to constantly remind yourself is that NONE of this is your fault. No one can understand what goes on in someone elses lives or mind for any reason. What made you become suicidal in the first place is something only you understand and something only you can overcome. The rape was not your fault, you did not lead this man on, or lead him to believe you wanted more simply because you talked to him and invited him into your life and into your home. This man knew you were weak and took advantage of you in an already vulnerable state. This is his issue, not yours. What you need to do now is to find something, anything that gives your life meaning and hang onto that with everything you have. You also need to remind yourself that this man will not take anything else from you, he will not hold the power over you to have to continue to carry him around in your mind any longer. You will not give him the power to control your thoughts, your feelings or your life. Only when you have decided that he will not take anything else from you and that you will not allow him to have that power over you will you be able to move on with your own life. Best of luck to you.
He was my constant. At Miriam and Rhode Island Hospital if your admitted for self harm or suicide attempt, psych, you have to have a one to one with a security guard. We talked while we were there he seemed nice and started messaging me on fb messenger on my phone while I was in the hospital. And he told me he used a friends urine for his drug screen that he got when he started working for APG security on May 1st. I feel like I owe no explanation to you or anyone though as you dont know all the facts and you made me feel worse by saying why would I "let him into my home after the rise in rape and sodemy" was I somehow supposed to know that he would drug me with ketamine, take advantage of my vulnerability, and rape and physically hurt me. I know you probably mean well but thats really not the right thing to say or questioning someones painful story.

But to everyone else Thanks SO MUCH for your kind words and support. Things have been tough, he kicked in my door after they fired him but thankfully i wasnt home, the neighbors witnessed and I have a restraining order until he is arrested. Detective Reese told me to be patient but its very hard when your scared for your life every minute, aleeping on a bare mattress because the cops took the bedding as evidence, constant flashbacks,  suicidal thougts, and threats, thankfully the threats stopped once I got the restraining  order. On my rape kit discharge paperwork It says I have to do followup std testing, see an infectious disease specialist, f/u pregnancy testing, f/u with wound care for the internal damage, rape crisis counseling and ortho for the physical injuries. ITS ALL WAYY TO MUCHA  IM TRYING TO BE TOUGH BUT I JUST FEEL IT WOULD BE AO MUCH EASIER TO CUT, OR TAKE MY PILLS, OR JUMP OFF THE FALL RIVER BRIDGE OR SHOOT MYSELF.
    I DONT WANT TO HAVE THESE THOUGHTS and i keep fighting with my own brain trying to stop wanting to die or trying to stop making stupid plans and I get so angry with myself.
    The only thing thats helping, Thank God, is they have me in a partial hospitilization program focused on trauma and PTSD, talking helps but the expusure therapy they make us do makes me worse and its in the hosp where it he worked until recently. So i had a very serious suicide attempt recently and got out of inpatient and am back now as of last wed. Im really trying to hold on but I dont know if i can

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If you or someone you know is in an emotional distress or suicidal crisis, please also call:
The Lifeline (US) at 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
The Hopeline (US) at 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433)
National Domestic Violence (US) at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
National Sexual Assault Hotline (US) at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)
Victims of Crime Connect (US) at 1-855-4VICTIM (855-484-2846)
Boys Town (US) at 1-800-448-3000
Dial 211 (US) at 211
The Trevor Project (US) at 1-866-488-7386
GLBT National Hotline (US) at 1-888-843-4564
TRANS Lifeline (US) at 1-877-565-8860
Crisis Text Line (US) Text START to 741741
Samaritans (UK) at 08457 90 90 90
Mind Infoline (UK) at 0300 123 3393
Rethink Mental Illness (UK) at 0300 5000 927
Breathing Space (Scotland) at 0800 83 85 87
Samaritans (Ireland/ROI) at 1850 60 90 90
1life (Ireland/ROI) at 1800 24 7 100
The Lifeline (New Zealand) at 0800 543 354
The Lifeline (Australia) at 13 11 14
NGF Hopeline (Philippines) at (632) 804-HOPE(4673) or 2919
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