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I am 32 years old with 2 kids and married. at ages born to 3? things happen to me sexually and abusefully by my biological mother which led to custody battle and she gave me n my baby brother up to my father. I have been on drugs for past 11 years and I am going thru with draws physical and mentally. since going thru this I have been having nightmares and dreams every night. I received a pic of her last year of her holding me. I look just like her. I just got a copy of my birth certificate and found some little info on her on there. but my father will not tell me anything about her because of all the stuff he went thru when I was a baby. I need closure and don't know how can someone please help I feel like I am going crazy.

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1 Answer

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Profile Photo by goodwill ANGEL24K (33.8k points)   5 12 59
You are not going crazy. It is normal to want to know where we come from - we all do. Take a deep breath. The dreams are a result of the drugs. You were not dealing with a lot stuff for 11 years and now it is all coming crashing into your brain. Your mentally exhausted, hence the nightmares. Be strong. Your babies need you! You know firsthand what can happen when you grow up without a loving mother.

Right now, in my humble opinion, I don't think you need to be worrying about your mother or looking for her. You need to focus on you. Have you gone to therapy? It may help make sense of everything, and a professional can help you with ways to cope without drugs in your system. Of course, you can always come here and talk with us. Share the nightmares. This usually helps me. I would also suggest keeping a journal. Write them down, and anything else that comes to mind that you cannot make sense of yet. Eventually, your brain will start putting the pieces back together, and you will start to feel better. There are a lot of emotions, feelings, thoughts, etc. that have been stored in your brain for 11 years. You are simply trying to process it all.

You may never find your mother, and maybe that is for the best. Your father is only trying to protect you so please do not be too hard on him. It is hard fighting addiction, and he likely does not want anything to sidetrack your progress. Meeting your mother now may just be too much right now. My advice here is to write her a letter, and get it all out - all the hurt you feel, everything she did to you, your father, and your brother. And then just burn it, destroy it ... Let it all go. She doesn't need to read the letter for you to get closure. You only need to tell your side of the story.

I hope this helped and good luck with everything. I am here if you want to talk :)

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