I just don't know what to do. I had a fun night with my friends but now I'm at home at 2 am, I want to kill myself and I'm not sure of the route of the problem. I guess I have a lot of friends but I can't talk to anyone i know about anything this deep and even though I have friends I feel empty and helpless. I feel like loneliness is probably the route of my depression, although last time I had a girlfriend most of the time I felt even more depressed idk why it just wasn't a good relationship. Idek I just feel like there isn't anything that can make me truly happy, and even though there are moments where I feel happy and forget about everything nothing seems to change my direct mood. I have a lot to be happy about. I have a bright future and my family have been there even if we aren't close and lots of friends. I have recently satisfied one of my life goals by getting into a university abroad. However even though I have this I still feel a deep gut-wrenching pain that I can't get rid of and I feel like it will never end. The cause could be that my remaining grandparents are always going in and out of hospital and there's always a fairly depressing atmosphere around the house, or it could be that I'm lonely and although I've got off with girls in recent months I haven't had an actual relationship with someone for over a year and I guess I'm scared of getting attached to someone again. I don't even know how I'd be able to have another girlfriend I'm afraid that she'd just not enjoy her time with me. I also wonder sometimes if I have SAD, because I always seem to be more depressed in the winter and darker months, and this has been the case for the past 3 years or so. I self harm but not to a great extent, I'm scared of what I could damage other than myself if it went any further. I think I'm writing this because I feel completely helpless and I don't know what to do, and I hope there will be a magical answer that will just solve my problems. I think I'm writing to see if anyone else has been at this point, and if things have got better for them. I think I'm looking for hope. If anyone thinks they understand and can help, it would be great if you could respond. I don't even know if this is the right place to ask because I just looked for the first thing that might help online. I just can't stand anything. I have no motivation and I don't enjoy things like I used to. I'm rambling and writing down my thoughts. I just have a fear of not being good enough all the time and I feel like **** all the time. Sorry if this is completely out of place ir doesn't make sense but if anyone is listening and is kind enough to offer some words of advice I would greatly appreciate it.