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I'm in pain. I don't want to be here anymore. I've reached that balance where the selfishness of needing to die is starting to outweigh my duty to care for and protect those I love. They say "what about [so and so]?" but at some point I have to say "what about me"? I have been this way for more than 2/3 of my life, I don't see an end other than death.
My young niece, who lost her mum 2 years ago, and took on the carer's role for her little sister who has autism, has just discovered that she's pregnant. I have nieces, nephews, a loving partner of 12 years. I don't want to hurt them, I really don't, but it's killing me. I self harm every day, I think of suicide constantly.
I have the plan, I have the means, I WANT to go.
I'm obsessing with the idea that maybe I could become an angel (though I'm not religious at all) and look after these beautiful, special people from afar? Could I comfort the fears of my niece about her baby? Could I calm the tornado world inside her sister's head? Could I be more useful dead than alive?
Country: UK
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Simple answer is NO
You will not be more useful dead and you can not become an angel, im sorry.
Angels are entities that have never had an earth bound experience hence they have no idea of the misery and pain on earth and can there for supply us with an endless wealth of love and compassion like no others.
You could become a ghost but in honesty this will not help anyone, it takes a long time for the spirit to learn to manifest or communicate when it passes, so it will almost defiantly be too late for you to offer your words of wisdom and support. Do it now insyead.
I know its tiring, I know its painful, I know it seems endless but I also know that its worth continuing the fight. And it is a fight to overcome suicidal thoughts.
Someone once said to me its all about the amount of ammo you have in your bag to combat the thoughts.
Get/ find/ remember your ammo! You have already listed some great guns in your letter
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Thank you for taking the time to respond. I am trying to remember all the things, every day...even if it's just that I'm the only one who can work the DVD player!<3
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That's the spirit :)
I really do know how your feeling but remember there will be good days and times ahead.
Im sending you as much positivity as I can :) xx
by  
How are you today my friend?
I hope your doing fine?
How much ammo you got in your bag today?
See, even complete strangers really do care about you :)
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Profile Photo by Pippa Cooper ANGEL500 (740 points)   4
Dear Rainbow,

It sounds like you take on an awful lot of responsibility for others. It also sounds like you punish yourself remorselessly for the moments you spend thinking of yourself and your needs. It is important to see the truth of the matter; you are important, you are worth your own focus and your own time and no one will judge you for taking that time to yourself. It is impossible to pour from an empty glass.

It sounds like you have gotten yourself into the habit of putting aside your own needs and sacrificing your own sense of self-worth for the needs of others and though this is altruistic when it comes in spits and spurts, if you make it your entire life you run the risk of putting yourself on the back burner. I can tell this by the fact that the problems you talk about are not yours; Your niece lost her mother, your niece took on the carer role, your niece is pregnant. These are things you cant control but I get the feeling that if you didn't concern yourself with them then you wouldn't have security in yourself, your life and your choices.

I think you need to focus on healing yourself and seeing someone to help you on the way to thinking more openly and honestly about your self.
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Hi,

I've struggled with depression, including suicidal thoughts, and there's been a lot of improvement for me. I've been taking anti-depressant medications. Also I've been doing the 12 steps of Emotions Anonymous.

1: We admitted we were powerless over our emotions--that our lives had become unmanageable.

2: We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3: We made a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4: We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5: We admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6: We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7: We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8: We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to all of them.

9: We made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10: We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

11: We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Emotions Anonymous, a fellowship of people recovering from emotional problems like anxiety, depression and anger.
http://www.emotionsanonymous.org

May peace be with you,
Anonymous

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