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Why doesn't my husband care how hurt and depressed I am?

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asked Sep 28, 2016 by Toni  
I moved to a different country to be with my husband. I gave up everything in my life for him, including my independence, but he mostly just hurts me emotionally. I'm already going through such a hard time and dealing with depression from all of the major life changes that have happened in such a short period of time. And he can be so hurtful and insensitive. And when I try to tell him how something he has said made me feel, he normally gets angry, turns it around on me, and starts telling me about something I did that he didn't like. I've tried to share my feelings in so many different ways. I try speaking in a soft, loving tone and using "I" statements, but nothing works. And he has threatened divorce with me dozens of times since I've been here. He tells me he's sick of me and can't stand being around me. Now when he hurts me, I usually try really hard not to let it show. I do my best to not let on I feel bad, but it's so hard. I'll go to another room to cry so he doesn't see. But sometimes he sees anyway. And when he asks what's wrong and I try to share why I'm hurt, he again gets angry, turns it all on me, and inevitably makes me feel worse. I've actually resorted to taking a shower when I need to cry bc I know that way he won't walk in on me or hear me. If he finds me crying, he'll often get angry at that. He basically tells me that I'm faking how I feel. He says terribly cruel things to me and mocks me, as well as using things I've told him about my past to hurt me. He's told me before that he understands why past boyfriends abused me and that I deserved it. He threatens to leave me stranded in the house with no money or means of transportation if I ever raise my voice to him again, yet he yells and curses at me every time he's angry at me. I cannot go anywhere because I can't drive here and I sold my car when I moved here. I was only recently able to work and haven't found a job yet, despite looking. I have nothing left of my savings since moving here. Today we got in a fight and he started screaming in my face and I slapped him. I know I should never hit anyone but that was the third time this week that he was screaming at me, belittling me, and treating me like ****. He then later told me that I was an abusive ***** and I'm the worst kind of person. He also said he can't wait to have enough money so I can **** off back to the states. He told me I'm dangerous and I'll never change and that I make no effort, while he makes all sorts of effort. I have no one here but him and nowhere I can stay in the states. I see other women with husbands who would never want to see them hurt and alone and I wonder to myself what is wrong with me, why can't anyone love me like that. I love him and I've only ever wanted him to love and value me. Now I feel trapped and alone in a different country and I'm so sad all the time. What can I do to make things better? Someone please help.
Country: Ireland
    

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1 Answer

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answered Sep 29, 2016 by anonymous  
Hi,

I've struggled with depression, and there's been a lot of improvement for me. I've been taking anti-depressant medication. I've struggled with codependency ("people-pleasing"), and there's been a lot of improvement for me.

I've been doing the 12 Steps of Celebrate Recovery.

1: We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors--that our lives had become unmanageable.

2: We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3: We made a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of God.

4: We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5: We admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6: We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7: We humbly asked Him to remove all our shortcomings.

8: We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to all of them.

9: We made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10: We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

11: We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12: Having had a spiritual experience as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Celebrate Recovery, a fellowship of people recovering from hurts, hang-ups and habits.
http://locator.crgroups.info

My story can be found here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bu34UVQUHiA

May peace be with you,
Anonymous

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