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I know I'm not the only one in this world that feels pain, hurt, anger, betrayal and lose. To those that have felt those feelings or emotions, I truely hope that you have found peace within. My story fills me with all those emotions that I have mentioned.  One I feeling I forgot to mention was rejection. My ex partner of 5 years are going through propert settlement, he stated to me this is not what he wants, but has done nothing to change the situation. I moved out of our home due to his son asking his mother to come to our house and his disrespect towards me. I was unhappy and discussed this my partner but everything is my fault. A couple of months after I moved out my then partner contacted me and we started to get back together, I never moved back to my house and asked him if his older children can move out and start a life of their own, he said he would, i looked after his younger son, my stepson for a yr and a half. I mentioned to my ex when is his son and his girlfriend moving out, he continued to make excuses for them not to go and said j was selfish. I gave him a date and month for them to ask them to move out. That date has gone. I now have started settlement. I love him and my younger stepson but cannot return to a house that use to be a home to unhappiness. Am I being selfish, and if this is not what he wants why doesn't he change it.
Country: Australia

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1 Answer

+1 vote
Getting There:

Your spouse doesn't seem to have the guts to tell his family to move out.  It is hard to ask a loved one to move out.  For his son to ask his mother to move in to your spouse and your home is very disrespectful, I agree.  Also, if his son has a live in girlfriend, then they need to have their own place and not leech of their father.  Based on what you wrote, it seems your spouse is being walked all over by his family.  It might not be that he doesn't love you but he doesn't want to feel he is abandoning his family, even though you are family now.  It might also be that he is trying to avoid conflict and resentment from his family.  He seems to have chosen his family over you.  You gave him an ultimatum and didn't keep it.  I can tell that you are now having second thoughts and are considering compromising, which sometimes we do need to.  As you mentioned, he doesn't want to change, doesn't have the courage to change or is afraid of backlash of his family more than you.  

If his children needed some assistance in order to get back on their feet e.g. Save money, then it would be okay but with a limit.  The children are comfortable there at the house and have everything they need and their father doesn't say nor reinforce things, why would they or anyone leave?  He knows you and him are settling property and still doesn't do anything about it.  If you really want to have a clear consciousness, you can talk to him and tell him that you love him and that you don't want to leave him and his son.  I'm sure you told him that before but now that you are settling property he might take it more seriously.  However, you need to have one-on-one with your stepson and have a heart to heart talk and tell him that it isn't that you don't love him but explain things, if he is old enough.  It appears that you don't have children of your own.  There is a bond between parent and child but there is also tough love.  If a parent has done a job well, then they have taught their child to be and have a life on their own without relying on the parent.  There will be times when the child will need help, but you can only help them so much before the parent becomes an enabler.

Take care of yourself since it appears no one is looking out for your well being.  Take it one day at a time and find things that will make you happy each day so you can overcome your "pain, anger, rejection, betrayal and loss."   Take time off from him to reevaluate.  I'm not talking about a few days but a month or two.  Once you accept the fact that you are not going to be retuning and made up your mind, then you can start moving on.  As long as in your mind there is a possibility or hope that there will be some resolution, it will be hard to move on.  

Good luck!
Thank you for you input and advice. It helps when other people comment and see things as I see them. There was never no compromising, he was adamant that his grown son wasn't moving out. Time to move on to a happier healthier life, as there is nothing I can do. Sometimes love is just not enough. Again thank you. I wish you the best in life also.

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