I don't want to be alive anymore. I have nothing and nobody. Do I have a purpose in this world is that why god is keeping me alive?

Question

This past year has been the hardest year of my life.  Last December I lost everything and everyone I love. I lost my son, my job, my car, my "friends"' my family AND my health. My sister said I was a worthless fat piece of sh*t and that I should just kill myself.  I was homeless and forced to stay with her until she kicked me out 3 months later. I'm now living with my aunt and my uncle just passed away unexpectedly like my mom did 6 years ago. And now my aunt is kicking me out because she can't stand having a sick person in her house. Plus my cousin (her son) won't let her see her grandkids until I'm kicked out. My whole family has turned against me as well as my friends. I've been in and out of the hospital 6 times in the last couple months for my illness (Crohn's Disease).  Because of my chronic disease I have to take like 20 pills a day all prescribed by my doctors. So now everyone says I'm a pill popper. My son who is 13 also left me to go live with his dad.  I don't know how to pick up the pieces of my life. I'm severely depressed and hopeless and worthless.  I just want the pain to stop and suicide seems like the only option but I've failed miserably at that twice. Help? Anyone?

Answer 1

Dear Marie,

Firstly, I hope you have the thankful spirit of this holiday to those who once loved you deeply and provided you shelter. You still have your family and you still have the chance to change their mind.

At the same time, I would suggest that you take this chance to reflect and see the situation from their perspectives. What does your son think of you and why? How about your sister, aunt and your cousin? What did you do or say? Why? Is it simply because of your Crohn's Disease and using lots of medicine? If you are not sure, then ask them for honest feedback. Tell them you see issues in yourself and you need help to make a positive change.  

For your disease, read about Manuka Honey and discuss with your doctor. Try more natural remedies to control the disease and pain (such as meditation and exercise). Don't let the disease disable/label you. Love and care about yourself and know God is doing the same through you.

Suicide is not a solution to any of your problems. Call the hotline anytime:
The Lifeline (US) at 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
The Hopeline (US) at 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433)
Dial 211 (US) at 211
Crisis Text Line (US) Text START to 741741

You are not alone!

Comments

I have asked them directly why they have alienated me so and it's because of my depression.my family doesn't believe in it they think I just need to "get over it". And why would I want to reconnect with my sister who told me to kill myself?  I tried twice and failed both times. I have asked for help. I see a counselor and a psychiatrist just not enough as there is a shortage and I can only get appointments once a month if I'm lucky. As far as what I did to put me in this situation was I met a guy I didn't know married him and moved to Australia leaving everything behind. He turned out to be abusive both physically & emotionally. I was only down there for 2 weeks when I got sick and landed in the hospital.  He abandoned me and took all my money and his whole family completely shut off contact with me. I obviously had to come crawling back ashamed and guilt ridden. I get it I made a huge mistake and I paid for it. I beat myself up everyday for my actions. Now not only am I suffering from a chronic illness I'm also suffering from severe depression and anxiety. That's why my so-called family doesn't want anything to do with me. I'm sick both mentally & physically. I feel completely worthless and alone. I've lost all hope and just want to die

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Dear Marie,
It is really not easy for someone to fully understand those who are depressed and know the best thing to say. I hope you can forgive your family for this, including those words that hurt you deeply. We all have said things we regretted when we were angry.
I found this online earlier for another question, and I hope it helps:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-carmen-harra/words-of-wisdom_b_4018222.html

I hope you stop blaming yourself for what has happened. We all know most of time love is blind. You were the victim of this crime. It is important to learn the lesson and move on.

"I'm sick both mentally & physically." I hope you stop labeling yourself in such a negative way. These are curable. The real problem is that you fill yourself with all this negativeness, which becomes "contagious" to others around you. This is what really push them away. I could be totally wrong, but I do hope you can start the conversation with you son and others you care about to find out the root cause.

I would recommend the following articles on overcoming negative thoughts:
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/10-tips-to-overcome-negative-thoughts-positive-thinking-made-easy/
http://www.thebridgemaker.com/10-steps-for-transforming-negative-thoughts-into-positive-beliefs/

Again, please call the helpline and talk with a volunteer:
The Lifeline (US) at 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
The Hopeline (US) at 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433)
Dial 211 (US) at 211
Crisis Text Line (US) Text START to 741741

Answer 2

The Crohn's disease is completely manageable.  Cannaibis is your answer.  Throw your preconceived notions away immediately.  Think of it as a medical herb that's been around and used for medicine for thousands of years.  Only 1 in 10 run the risk of addiction.  It beats the hell outta what you're taking now...I can assure you.  The so-called "mistake" you speak of is nothing more than a life experience.  Remember....some days good, some days not so good but they're ALL days.  Cherish them and let them teach you and lead you to better things.  It's a choice and truthfully it's simple to make.  Taking your life?  Ah...Ah...Ah....not so fast.  You didn't write your book of life and you don't get the choice to write a bad ending either.  See all of the chapters of your life all the way through.  You may be delightfully surprised at what you'll find.  Chin up my friend...the best is yet to come.