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I was sexually abused by my uncle when I was young and then by my eldest cousin in later years. Both of them are of same sex as mine. They did not occur simultaneously but I was young during both times. I didn't know what I was doing until I reached the age when I began to understand things. The act was long over when it occured to me what they were doing was wrong. However, it left a strong impact on me. I swear I was in love with a girl in school but some part of me gets aroused when a handsome guy wraps his arms around my shoulder. I developed lust for the same sex and I didn't want to. Years later, I lost my feelings for this girl and fell deeper in love with my roommate and he's of same sex. I love him. But my love somehow made an outward flow because we became really close friends that caused him to avoid me. He didn't know I was in love then. And it's hurts extremely even until now that a year has already passed. I don't want this kind of life. I want to have my own family in the future, my own kids, a wife to make me happy. But I don't want to unlove this roommate of mine. I want him. But I know it's wrong and I know I shouldn't. I know it sounds shallow but I can no longer concentrate in school, I am failing. I'm afraid to hangout with my friends anymore because I don't want to develop another feeling to anyone of them. I had suicide thoughts to be honest. I know what I want and what I should want will never go along on same frequency and I can't stand the idea of being like this for the rest of my life. If there's one thing that's keeping me alive is that I love my family so much they don't deserve to have a son to commit suicide. But I don't know until when I can hold on. I'm tired of not having sleep and crying everything out all night.
Country: philippines

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3 Answers

0 votes

I've struggled with hurts, hang-ups and habits, and there's been a lot of improvement for me. I've been doing the 12 Steps of Celebrate Recovery. Part of my continued healing is that I share with others the solution.

1: We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors--that our lives had become unmanageable.

2: We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3: We made a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of God.

4: We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5: We admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6: We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7: We humbly asked Him to remove all our shortcomings.

8: We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to all of them.

9: We made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10: We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

11: We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12: Having had a spiritual experience as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Celebrate Recovery, a fellowship of people recovering from hurts, hang-ups and habits.

My story can be found here:

Thanks for reading this.

May peace be with you,
0 votes
The fact that you were abused by your uncle and your cousin is horrible - idk how they can live with themselves knowing that they did that to you. However your sexuality is separate from that abuse. You thought you were in love with that girl because you felt like you HAD to be in love with a girl. The fact of the matter is you don't. I'm gay too and I went through the same thing. I tried to deny it and only hurt myself. I kept getting too close to straight male friends and ended up losing them because I, without realizing it, started treating them like a boyfriend. I've now accepted my sexuality and met other gay guys and it's been so amazing. You need to do the same - love yourself and accept yourself and go meet some guys that can love you like you deserve!
0 votes
Hi, it's okay to Love. I know how it feels trust me. Suicide is never an option. You need to talk to someone close to you and open up about it. The reason why it felt so lonely is because you're keeping it all to yourself. I'm sure you have someone you're comfortable with that you can share it too.

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If you or someone you know is in an emotional distress or suicidal crisis, please also call:
The Lifeline (US) at 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
The Hopeline (US) at 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433)
National Domestic Violence (US) at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
National Sexual Assault Hotline (US) at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)
Victims of Crime Connect (US) at 1-855-4VICTIM (855-484-2846)
Boys Town (US) at 1-800-448-3000
Dial 211 (US) at 211
The Trevor Project (US) at 1-866-488-7386
GLBT National Hotline (US) at 1-888-843-4564
TRANS Lifeline (US) at 1-877-565-8860
Crisis Text Line (US) Text START to 741741
Samaritans (UK) at 08457 90 90 90
Mind Infoline (UK) at 0300 123 3393
Rethink Mental Illness (UK) at 0300 5000 927
Breathing Space (Scotland) at 0800 83 85 87
Samaritans (Ireland/ROI) at 1850 60 90 90
1life (Ireland/ROI) at 1800 24 7 100
The Lifeline (New Zealand) at 0800 543 354
The Lifeline (Australia) at 13 11 14
NGF Hopeline (Philippines) at (632) 804-HOPE(4673) or 2919
Visit Befrienders for other countries.


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