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+1 vote
I'm almost 30 and I have achieved anything that I was supposed to achieve by now.  I live with my parents, work for barely any money, and don't have a girl friend.  In fact, I haven't had a girl friend in about 8 years.  I would like to get one, but I suffer from Avoidant Personality Disorder.  That means I am so afraid of criticism and rejection that I avoid most social situations and do not get involved with people unless I am certain of being liked.  It is a very lonely way to live.

There is a girl at work that I like, but she does not like me back.  I see her every day, and every time I see her it is painful, because I know she is not interested in me the way I wish she was.  How do I not experience pain everytime I see her?  I also experience pain when I see her socializing with other guys at work and laughing, because I wish I could talk to her like that.  I realize that is not a healthy way to view her.

There was another girl at work who I liked who moved recently.  Before she moved she asked me to be her valentine.  Instead of say yes, I said something stupid and mean to push her away from me (to avoid intimate contact I guess).  So while I desire to be close to people, I also push them away at the same time.  I know that sounds strange.

I have been considering suicide, but cannot decide on a good way to do it.  I'm thinking jumping off a tall building might be the way to go.  I do not have a gun, and they are somewhat difficult to get.  I was thinking about a car accident, but that is not guaranteed to work.  I was raised Catholic and I know that suicide is a sin, but I am tired of being in pain all the time from all the anxiety and depression.
Country: USA

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6 Answers

+1 vote
Profile Photo by faith ANGEL22K+ (22.4k points)   3 8 36
Hi, I call Avoidance Personality Disorder being SHY and there is a lot of us like that and I don't consider it to be a disorder, it is a personality . I would hate to think I had a Disorder.
I also think you seem to have a need to feel that you are ill in some way. From all you have said is just normal life's trials and certainly not for thoughts of suicide.
. I would suggest you forget about girlfriends and get yourself into to something like sports or activity groups. This may help your shyness and who knows you may find that girlfriend you so desperately need. In other words, take you time, you can't hurry love.
Get something to occupy your mind and forget about trying to hard to get a girlfriend. You can message me back if you want to talk more with me.....................Angel Faith
Sorry, I don't think this is a very good answer.  There is a lot more to AvPD than being shy.  I wish I was just shy and didn't have a paralyzing fear of rejection or criticism.  That would make my life a lot easier.
Profile Photo by faith ANGEL22K+ (22.4k points)   3 8 36
Hi, yes I guess my answer was a bit harsh, and I apologies to you for that. I guess I was trying to get you off the ladder of Disorders and back in the world of how we are all different and that doesn't make us ill.

Your life does seem to be focusing on this one girl at the moment and if you say that you fear rejection or criticism then don't put yourself in this position , let her make the moves on you.
Is this the first girl you have been interested in ? or have you had girlfriends in the past ?
Sorry to ask so may questions but it is difficult to get a full picture without knowing a few things

So regarding this fear you have, what treatment are you getting ? are you getting any counseling ?
Cognitive behavior treatment is a good one, as it changes how you think about a situation.
I hope you message me back, as I do care about you........angel faith
I've had girlfriends before, but haven't had one for awhile.  Like I said, recently there was the one girl who asked me to be her valentine who I pushed away.  There was another girl that was very interested in me for some reason, but there were a number of reasons I didn't want to get involved with her (i.e. drugs).

Not receiving any kind of treatment right now because it is expensive and I can't afford to pay for it.  I've had numerous counselors, probably nine that I can remember off the top of my head.  That's how I already know I have AvPD and chronic depression.
Profile Photo by faith ANGEL22K+ (22.4k points)   3 8 36
OK, now I do feel bad for what I said at first. I can see you do have a problem.
I am glad you are sensible not to get involved with the drug  scene it's much to easy to get addicted.
Regarding the counselors you have had, which did you find the best benefit from ?  There are quite a lot of free help on the web, I know its not on a personal lever, but at leased you can find out you are not on your own with this.
Once again I am sorry for saying you are shy, but with the little information in the message I though wrongly that it was just this one girl you were shy over, but now I can see there is more to it than that. I am a shy person myself or that is was when I was younger and I would also avoid any social event or female contact because like you I feared rejection. I hasten to add now I don't think I am shy, but still have a fear of crowds.
 This is a low self esteem problem and you need to build your confidence in yourself and your abilities. Can you tell me a bit about yourself , like what talents do you have, by that I mean what are you naturally good at. Also how are you with male friends , are you comfortable with them .? is it just women that you feel like this with ?
Again questions, but I am here for you to talk to whenever you feel like you want to. I may be late in responding sometimes as I live in the UK and our times are different. Hope you message me back.......angel faith
I think I got the most help from a counselor I talked to after a car accident which was initially regarding PTSD and a fear of driving (which I'm over now).

I definitely have a problem with crowds too.  There have been some concerts around here that I would like to go to, but when you stick me in a room that is so crowded that I can't move it just drives me nuts.

I'm good at reading & writing.  I actually have a writing degree that I'm not using at the moment.  I'm naturally a good listener.  I'm pretty good at solving logic problems.  Sometimes I play miniature wargames with my friends, but I haven't felt like playing lately for various reasons.  I'm pretty good at those, I've won a few tournaments.

I don't have any problem talking to men.  I have problems meeting new people though.  If I don't know someone I will not talk to them unless I am forced.  I usually don't interact with my bosses at work if I can manage that.  With girls it is easier if there is no sexual attraction.  But girls in general are kind of scary :D
Profile Photo by faith ANGEL22K+ (22.4k points)   3 8 36
You are dead right Girls are scary, They used to be the shy ones and men were the chasers, but now they are the chasers. To be honest they scare me.
I see you managed to get over the fear of driving ,which means you can do it, and you will with your other fears . Maybe you can use the same method you used then.
You sound like you have quite a lot of things going for you with you writing and wargames. Do you make the figures and paint them yourself, I know some do.

As far as I can see you are mostly worried about crowds and girls that you fancy. These are the areas you need to overcome. I was wondering it you could use your talents that you have for wargames and logic to deal with these phobias, e.g. look at them as a war game and take on the challenge to win the war ? what way would you approach that war ? Is this a possibility ?  
I have to say that a lot of what you fear, I also fear, Girls,Crowds and boss's or people of high standing, but I haven't taken it as though I was ill, as I said before I just assumed I was a shy person and we are all made differed (thank God) it would be a strange world if we all was made the same.
As you are a good listener and writer, have you considered registering on here as an angel.If you can listen and give people someone to talk with, it can help them a tremendous amount knowing someone is there for them, plus you may find by doing this it will help you.
So take one step at a time with your problems and try talking to the girl you mentioned a bit at a time and make sure you smile at her lots, that will say more than words. keep in touch if you want to, I am here as much as you need me to be, and I want to know how you get on.  .....angel faith
+1 vote
Profile Photo by HOPE ANGEL24K (66.2k points)   7 11 38
"Psychodynamic psychotherapy, which helps patients understand their thoughts and feelings, and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can help. A combination of medication and talk therapy may be more effective than either treatment alone."

I agree with other answer that you should believe in yourself and trust that you can get out of this situation. Since you have been in this situation for a while, you should get some more professional help. Therefore, I really encourage you considering CBT.

With others help, you can change this and you will have a wonderful future that you can't imagin at this time.

Suicide is NOT a solution. Please never give up!

Talk with your doctor about CBT this week, and let us know how it goes. We all care about you!!
0 votes
Profile Photo by Polchies ANGEL3000+ (3.8k points)   1 3 4
It sounds to me like your main issue is you have an intense fear of rejection and this is why you are finding yourself in these situations, like the girl who you were interested in, you found yourself being able to admire her from afar, liking the idea that she was unaware or semi unaware of your affections for her because as long as she didn't know you were interested in her you had no chance of being rejected by her. You seem to have put up defense mechanisms aka the reason for the backlash against the girl when she asked you to be her valentine. Again, you seem to have an intense fear of rejection and talked yourself into the fact that if and when she found out that you were interested in her she would reject and ridicule you, so, you used sarcasm and meaness to get out of the situation...taking on the "I'll get you before you get me" technique. My main wonder in your situation is how much rejection have you been subjected to in your life? In most cases, unless a mental disorder is involved, most people do not develp fear of rejection or ridicule issues without underlying issues. In english, you must think this way for some reason. Maybe a relationship that ended in an affair by your partner, an absent parent? I am just wondering what must have happened to make you think like this. You seem to think that if you let someone in, no matter how much you care for them or how nice they seem to be, you truly believe that they will end up hurting you in one way or another. Why do you think this is?
Probably because my father was and is a very critical figure in my life.  I learned at a young age that nothing I ever did would make him happy and that he would just turn around and yell at me or criticize me in some way regardless of what I did.  

So for the last 3 days I've been purposely ignoring the girl at the front desk and it's been driving her nuts.  Today I talked to her only because she mentioned to someone else that it was hurting her feelings.  That didn't get me anywhere, though.  I don't think she realizes that I even like her, or if she does realize it she doesn't care.  I have to see her every day and I can't stand to look at her right now because I really want her to like me and she just doesn't.  I guess I'm just going to fake being polite to her from now on.

Oh and she's having a party this weekend and everyone keeps asking me if I'm going to go ...  *sigh*
Why is this woman so important to you? I am in no way trying to under estimate how you feel about her, I am just trying to figure out why she has such a hold over you. You cannot control if someone likes you or not, however, you can control how you let it affect you. She obviously knows who you are and that you exist because she notices that you stopped speaking to her and she claims that when you don't speak to her it hurts her feelings, she probably wouldn't notice or care that you didn't speak to her if she didn't notice you in one way or another. Have you ever tried telling her how you feel, weather it be expressing your affection for her or just telling her how you feel left out of things, like the party she was having this weekend, and that this is the reason you have stopped speaking to her? Maybe if you explained to her what you are feeling then she would start to change the way she acts towards you. It is easy to just ignore someone and the situation you are in with them, especially if you are trying to prove a point to that person, however, unless that person is aware of the situation they have put you in then she probably doesn't even know what she is doing to make you treat her like this.

I understand with your past with the constant ridicule and rejection from your father that opening yourself up and showing your true feelings to someone is probably not something you are well known for because childhood trauma such as rejection and ridicule from a parent stems over into adulthood and causes many issues such as fear of rejection, social anxiety, attachment and commitment disorders, etc. Your father has left you with scars that may have faded over time but that still affect your life as an adult, and for this I am sorry. However, you can choose to overcome this and take the power away from your father now and decide that you are going to be a new person, someone who people notice and who isn't afraid to show your true feelings to anyone. My advice is to talk to this girl, tell her how you feel, how she makes you feel when she ignores you or doesn't include you in things when it seems she includes everyone else around you.. Do it in a decent, non demeaning or condesending way, you don't want to hurt her, you only want to make her understand how you feel and the situation.

And, in then end, if this woman chooses to ignore your feelings and continue to act how she has been then I advise you to move on and find someone who actually is worth your time and attention. There will be that girl out there who wants to give you all of her time and attention and it won't be wasted. There is no bad way for this situation to end with this woman if you tell her your true feelings because you will either find out that she does infact share your interest and affection, or, you will find out that she doesn't and this will allow you to move on to find someone who does. The rut you are in now is caused from the fact of not knowing. You don't know why she is being the way she is because you are afraid to ask for fear of finding out. Take the leap. It will either lead to mutual affection, or it will lead you to the path that could lead you to the woman you are meant to be with. Either way you should embrace this. This is only my advice, you have to make the final decision.
I wanted to talk to her today but I ended up late for work and during lunch she needed to do something.  Hopefully I will have the conversation tomorrow, otherwise I will just do it over the phone instead of face to face.

Went to the party, that didn't go to well.  I drank too much ... think I'm going to quit drinking from now on, as I don't like the person I become when I'm drunk.  She was all over some other guy at the party.

EDIT: After thinking about this, I'm not sure I can do this face to face.  I think there is a very real possibility that I will start crying and I *HATE* that.

EDIT 2: In answer to your question, I have no idea why I like her so much.  I wish I could just turn it off, but I can't.
I recommend a face to face conversation if at all possible because something this personal and important is always best dealt with face to face to make sure the sincerity of the situation is gotten across to the other person.
 As for you drinking too much at the party, alcohol is never a good thing to add to any already stressful and strained situation, however, as long as you didn't do or say anything to her that you may have come to regret when you sobered up, there is really no harm, no foul. I never recommend alcohol, but, a party is a party. As for her being all over this other guy at the party, this again could be because she is honestly unaware of your feelings for her or if she is aware of the feelings you have for her then she could be just doing this to see your reaction or in the worst case scenerio she could be doing it to let you know she isn't interested in you like that. It is not really possible to say at this point without knowing if she is aware of your feelings for her or not. Until you talk to her and know for sure there is no real way of knowing why she is doing some of the things she is doing and acting the way she has been acting, and guessing or making assumptions would only make the situation worse. So, until you actually talk to her and find out exactly where she stands with you and where you stand with her let's not make assumptions over this situation. Hopefully you will get the chance to have that conversation soon though, for your own piece of mind and more importantly some closure to this issue once and for all, one way or another.
Finally talked to her on the phone.  Turns out she's been seeing a guy for a few weeks, so that answers that question.  Back to square one I guess.  I'm so envious of my friend who's actually good at talking to women ...

I'd close this to further answers, but I cleared something in my browser and now it doesn't recognize that I posted this question originally.
Profile Photo by Polchies ANGEL3000+ (3.8k points)   1 3 4
Anyone can learn to become good at talking to the opposite sex, but, for the moment I think you need to focus on your own self esteem and when you have done this and have come to accept and love yourself for the way you are and not for what you think others or society in general wants you to be then you will be able to talk to girls just like your friend, as well as you will be able to allow yourself to let go of the pain that is holding you back and keeping you in this rut and then you can focus on self happiness and finding that special girl who is worth your time. How do you feel now that you know this woman is seeing someone? I am sure it's not what you wanted to hear, but, do you atleast find certain comfort knowing the facts now? How did she react when you talked to her? What are your plans now? Like I said, I believe the best thing you can do right now is to focus all of your attention on you and making yourself the person you want to be and the person that you are comfortable with and then the right girl will see you for the wonderful person you are and you won't have the doubts and concerns you had with this woman and the not knowing that surrounded so much of the relationship between you and her. That is just my suggestion though.
Too be honest I still want to kill myself.  The only thing stopping me right now is that I can't get a gun, or at least, get one very easily.  I wake up every morning and wish I was dead.  I look at the people around me and I see people who are all more successful and well-adjusted to their lives then I am to mine.  I don't think I'm ever going to have a successful career or find a girlfriend.  I have nothing to look forward to.
I understand that you are in a place right now where you feel like your entire life is at a stand still like no matter what you do or how hard you try your life is not moving in any direction. This can be a very intense and difficult feeling to deal with. After everything that has gone on with this woman and to find out that she has been seeing someone is never an easy thing to handle, matters of the heart never are. However, that said, you also have the choice to take a step back, assess your situation and decide weather it is worth staying stuck in the rut you have seemingly fallen into or if you are going to decide that today is a new day and that there is someone out there worth your time and effort. You obviously have the time, attention and admiration needed to make a relationship successful, that is clearly shown in the attention you gave to this woman you have been speaking about, however, it seems that since you have found out she has someone else that you have allowed yourself to give up which you shouldn't be doing. If you had the time and attention to put that much effort into trying to win this woman over you have the same time and attention to find someone who will want to be with you and who will give meaning and reason to your life. Remember the saying, when one door closes another door opens. God doesn't take things from us, he simply knows that you were meant for something greater, like the fact that the woman that you longed for has a boyfriend, this should not be looked at as a disappointment but as the fact that she obviously wasn't the one you were meant to be with. That doesn't mean that the woman you are meant to be with isn't out there, she is, but, unless she is a door to door salesperson, it is highly unlikely that she is going to come knocking on your door. You need to get out there and live your life to the fullest and when you least expect it she will find you. And, in the meantime while you are waiting for her, you are also getting on with your life, enjoying it and will come to realize that somewhere along the way you have brought yourself out of the rut you are currently in. Noone has the power to keep us down unless we allow them to. I know that you are in a seemingly hopeless place right now, but, you do have the power to make the choice that you no longer wish to live this way and that there are bigger and better things waiting for you in your life. When you decide this and wake up in the morning knowing that today could be the day when your entire life changes for the better then and only then can you be totally content and happy because then and only then will you know that you are worth it and you are.
0 votes
Hi. Not sure if I'm the best to give advice as I'm in a poor state myself but I feel better just by writing this.
My nephew some similar problems. He thought he'd never find anyone. He was getting depressed. He decided to try online dating. He found a match very quickly and is happily married now. If you haven't thought of it maybe you should try it
The internet is great for people with problems. Just think, an old guy in the UK is thinking about you and giving you his best wishes. God Bless.
0 votes
Your letter was confusing - read the first line.   I think you mean you have NOT accomplished what you believe you were meant to accomplish.

Consider who you are, why your situation is like it is, and what you can do to change it.

NOTE: if you were to move out from your parents' home, you will be on your own - and that's scary.  But that's the course of life.  Start developing friendships - not "online" - in person.  Get to know your local retailers, talk to your colleagues at work, ask the woman you have a crush on at work how she likes her coffee/tea and bring her a cup.

See your life as one that you own.  Fear of others is a biological way of saving the species -- but our "species" allows us to reach out to others, accept what they have to give/deny -- and continue regardless of the answer.

One of the most valuable advice I ever received was " that you, but I am not interested in your opinion of me."  That's not a cop out - that's an empowering statement.

And on your end?  Don't give up -- and don't be lazy.  You need to be self-sufficient.  Ask you parents to help you get there.  For THEIR success, you HAVE to be self-sufficient.  Love them enough to reach that.
0 votes
I am also tired of the struggle. The struggle of life and furthermore i am 62 with bad knees. If    I  get on the floor for any reason it reqiures enormous effort to get up off the floor. This is very scarey. How am i suppose to last another 23 years in this body before i am allowed to leave the ******* planet?

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