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Is there a way to minimize guilt if not pain in those left behind?

+3 votes
582 views
asked Nov 18, 2012 by anonymous  
I have been depressed my whole life pretty much. I can't go on like this if I'm going to suffer I may as well suffer to the death. I just don't want survivors to feel it was their fault as much as most. If I can't ease their grief some I will have to deal with my last thoughts being about the pain I may cause the few people who care about me.
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13 Answers

+4 votes
Profile Photo answered Nov 19, 2012 by goodwill ANGEL24K (33,360 points)   5 12 58
There is nothing you can say or do that will minimize the grief, pain and guilt you will leave if you decide to kill yourself. Suicide is never the answer. You said you are suffering and in pain, and I am sure you do not want to transfer that pain to others. You will exactly do this if you decide to kill yourself. Whatever has happened to you, it is not worth your life.You say you have been depressed all your life. Have you had treatment?  You can talk things out with us, with friends, family and I strongly urge you to get professional help.

The people who care about you want you in this life. Fight. I can completely understand the pain and the need to want to feel better, but death only brings more heartache. Nothing is worth your life, and nothing is worth the pain you will cause on others. Only you know how much you have suffered, but why would you want to give any amount of your suffering, however small, to others? Don't despair. There is always hope. It is perfectly fine to ask for help. Tell these people who care about you, how you feel. Let them know you need help. No shame in asking. Let them be your support. But please, don't do anything silly like take your life. Seek medical help. There are medications that can help. Life can and will get better. I am here if you want to talk. We can work through this. I hope to hear back from you soon.
commented Nov 19, 2012 by anonymous  
I am unable to even recognize the unlikely possibility of existing in this life as I have seen, heard, experienced continuous pain and trauma. I have always catered to others thoughts, needs etc first. I am not willing to do this however I want to cause the least pain, guilt etc to people I have known, once I've gone. I'm in counseling and on meds have been for years. I have no fight left for life.
Profile Photo commented Nov 25, 2012 by goodwill ANGEL24K (33,360 points)   5 12 58
Hi,
Sorry for the late reply ... I can tell you from experience that when my friends tried to kill themselves the only thing I took any comfort in was that their attempts' failed. You say you do not want anyone to feel even an inkling of what you are currently feeling. If you kill yourself, your loved ones WILL suffer and not just an "inkling". It hurts when a loved one DECIDES to leave you. It hurts to know that they were so desperate that they thought they had no other way out. It hurts to know that they did not trust you enough to talk to you first. It hurts to even imagine the amount of suffering and pain this person must have been experiencing to even consider suicide. And that is when the guilt sets in ...

I am so sorry your pain is so great, and I can completely understand your desire for a break. But the time to talk with friends and family is BEFORE you die, not after. After, you will not be there to explain yourself, to let them know how much you hurt, and in turn you will hurt them. Talk to them NOW. Ask them for support and guidance. If what you have been doing so far has not worked, then it is time to change tactics. Switch meds, switch doctors, try a holistic approach...anything but the point is to KEEP trying. Yes, it is true that people who care for you do not want you to suffer, but no one who cares for you wants to see you dead. You need to share whatever haunts you. You are suffering alone and in silence and it is only compounding your pain. Trust me you are not being a burden on anyone when you ask for help. Family and friends want to see you get BETTER..NOT dead. When you share your past, however horrific you may think it is (I can assure you I have heard worse), you will start to feel some relief. Share with us if you don't want to tell your family and friends. It may be easier to tell us since it is completely anonymous. But you need to tell someone. It is the first step towards healing.  I am glad the cops and hospital got involved and foiled your latest attempt. I don't mean to be harsh and I KNOW you have been through a lot, but you need to change your perspective. You need to start envisioning a future for yourself and you need to stop focusing on the pain. Focus on the good. Focus on your loved ones. Live for them. Quit hoping for death. Stop calling death. Every attempt only makes you hurt more, and the attempts will continue to fail because you are not meant to die yet.

You say you have no fight left for life, but your survival instinct will kick in every time and your subconscious wants to live. I know deep down you want to live; you just don't want to live in pain anymore. I understand. You are scared and confused and in pain and tired. It sounds like you have fought hard and you can't really see much improvement. And now you have decided to focus all your energy on death. Please do not be discouraged and do not give up. All the time and energy you have focused on your suicide, instead use it to change your situation. Please continue to fight, and remember you are not alone in the fight. Part of the reason you feel you have no fight left is because you have been doing it on your own. We are here to help, and so are your friends and family. There is no need for you to hide your pain or continue to fight alone. I hope this helped and I hope to hear back from you soon. Please feel free to talk to me about anything and come back here as much as you want.
+2 votes
Profile Photo answered Nov 19, 2012 by HOPE ANGEL24K (58,740 points)   6 11 35
I can tell that you are a wonderful person and people around you all care about you.

I think the best solution may be for you to help them to help you and don't leave them behind. They love you and they don't want to give up, so please don't give up. Depression is curable, and you will feel better. How about trying new treatment methods or seeing another doctor? How about taking part in some new activities or learning a new healthy habit?

We are always here. Please come to talk with us anytime and share your stories.

We all want to fight with you. Please don't give up!!!!
commented Nov 19, 2012 by anonymous  
I have seen many doctors and therapists and tried many meds... I am tired of fighting just for any miniscule reason just to stay alive... I have run out of reasons. I don't mean to sound selfish but I am really hurting and its officially unbearable. Who would want me to suffer as much as I have, as much as I do and as much as I will if they truly cared about me? I wouldn't want someone I cared about to feel an inkling of what I do. I know how I will do it now, and a fall back plan if needed. This frightens me but also provides some comfort. I am OK with dying. I believe it is the right thing to do for everyone around me that suffers because of me and Ibelieve its the right thing to do for me as well.
Profile Photo commented Nov 25, 2012 by HOPE ANGEL24K (58,740 points)   6 11 35
"I have seen many doctors and therapists and tried many meds"
Did they help? Everyone is unique, and they need to try to find the best solution for you. It takes time to see positive effects.

I truly believe that they can help as long as you believe in them and follow their advice.

When is the last time you talk with the therapist? Could you make an appointment next week?

We all care about you, please never give up!

HOPE
commented May 15, 2013 by anonymous  
hope im not prying too much but this sounds familar. what have you been taking the meds for and are you sure that its the right meds. i was misdiagonosed when i was 18 and was going through different meds all the time because none of them worked. finally when i was 24 i got diagnosed correctly and got on the right meds and they help me big time. talk to your dr about getting a new evaluation. like i said all that sounds familar and i have PTSD. its hard to find the right meds when you dont know what is really going on. hope this helps and good luck!
+2 votes
Profile Photo answered Nov 19, 2012 by angel ANGEL7000+ (7,410 points)   3 5 15
Hi there,

Could you please kindly share with us your stories?
I am sure there are real solutions out there. We can find them together.

Meanwhile, could you please call the hotline to have some private conversations?
The Lifeline (US) at 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
The Hopeline (US) at 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433)
commented Nov 19, 2012 by anonymous  
I would not want to horrify anyone else with what haunts me. I will say I self-harm and have done it a lot lately,  twice yesterday and I feel the meed to do it again. I am not sure what to do as I
 am seriously considering ending my pain for good. I don't see another viable option at this point.
Profile Photo commented Nov 23, 2012 by angel ANGEL7000+ (7,410 points)   3 5 15
How are you doing?
It takes time to heal, and I know you can fight through this difficult time.

There are many solutions to cop with self-harm. I am wondering what you have tired. Did your doctor suggest you follow some daily routine?

Please know that we do care and there are real solutions/options to your problem. Please never give up!!
commented Nov 24, 2012 by anonymous  
Unfortunately not well at all. I took forty naproxen a bit ago and I'm still here. Im so messed up right now. I don't know what to do but I got 160 left and I'm thinking about popping more.
Profile Photo commented Nov 24, 2012 by angel ANGEL7000+ (7,410 points)   3 5 15
Please call 911 and the hotline NOW!!!!
Please!!!!
There are better way to say thank you to those who love and care about this holiday.
There are real solutions!!!!
Dont give up,  Please!!!!
commented Nov 24, 2012 by anonymous  
I tried to kill myself last night. Wasn't suicidal tonight until cops and hospital got involved. Thanks to whoever called them. It only delays my next attempt. Hopefully it will be successful....
commented Nov 25, 2012 by anonymous  
I'm home again. I'm going to try to ease the anxiety by cutting. I. I should have just stayed I think. I feel badly about this but I'm in serious panic and pain. I'm sorry for Peyton to waste his valuable time on me. I am so sorry, thank you to those who have tried. But the suffering is so great I don't think I can satisfy my need for relief with cutting tonight. I just want to talk to my therapist and doctor but they are not available to me. Thanks and I'm sorry.
commented Nov 27, 2012 by anonymous  
I am not sure what to say. I made a safetycontract to avoid being involuntarily hospitalized. I didn't break it until today. I called my therapist, I called the hotline and nothing. I'm just more depressed I tried not to but I couldn't help it. They trusted me, I am such a piece of shot.... I'm thinking about killing myself, making a better effective attempt to get the job done. I am not ok
Profile Photo commented Nov 28, 2012 by goodwill ANGEL24K (33,360 points)   5 12 58
NO ONE is wasting their time with you. You are in no way a waste of time! You need help. It is ok. I think you should voluntarily hospitalize yourself. It is not too late. There is nothing wrong with getting help. Please stop thinking about death...whenever you get the urge come here. You will get an answer. Please stop beating yourself up. Let go of the past. Whatever happened in the past is over. I know you are in a lot of pain. I know. You are also probably suffering from some chemical imbalance that is augmenting the pain. You really need round the clock supervision. There is no shame in it. I am sure your friends would be more than happy to stay with you. I was allowed to stay with mine when they were hospitalized. You need the support and the last thing you want to do is isolate yourself. Please keep me posted. If you would like to join the site, you can email me directly. Please don't lose hope.
commented Jan 19, 2013 by anonymous  
nou are stuck in a pointless destructive cycle of attempting suicide, talking about suicide and getting, wanting and rejecting suicide. No wonder you are depressed. You need a change. Here are some things you could try.

Buy a saxophone and get lessons.
Get a bicycle and join a cycling club
Start voluntary work.
Learn to dance.
Join a dating site or agency.
Train a guide dog puppy
Now use your imagination to find something that suits you.
Start with a ****. Try a parachute jump.

Suicide is your hobby. Find something better
+1 vote
Profile Photo answered Nov 28, 2012 by HOPE ANGEL24K (58,740 points)   6 11 35
"I called my therapist, I called the hotline and nothing. I'm just more depressed I tried not to but I couldn't help it. They trusted me, I am such a piece of shot.... I'm thinking about killing myself, making a better effective attempt to get the job done. I am not ok"

I am not sure what do you mean by "nothing" after those calls. Do you mean they don't want to help you? Or you mean they tried their best, but you think they didn't help?

I think there need to be some fundamental changes here:

May I ask what your goal is?

A. "I just don't want survivors to feel it was their fault as much as most", so I try my best to prove to others that no one can help me. I subconsciously deny any help, and I ignore any positive change or hope I see.

B. I appreciate all the care, help, and support from my friends, family, and even strangers. I want to help them to help myself. And most importantly, I care about myself, and want to try my best to find solutions to help me go through this difficult time.

A or B????

I felt the A attitude in your comments. And I am sure you can tell that the consequence of this attitude: You are the one who is trying to push yourself to the edge.

I hope you can stop, step back, and really think about this. Make the change from A to B, from the "closed"/"off" mode to the "open"/"on" mode.

We are always here. Let's talk and fight together, OK????

Meanwhile, call your therapist and the hotline again. You may find them more helpful this time!

May Angels be with you!
commented Dec 4, 2012 by anonymous  
I tried to kill myself again... Unsuccessful again and in,lauded a trip to the er and a hospitalization. I got out yesterday. At first I was noticing the things I wouldn't have seen had I been successful but it didn't last long as now I just want it all to end. I see no end in this cysle unless I take my own life I feel I will keep trying. Thank you everyone for your supportive comments etc.
Profile Photo commented Dec 4, 2012 by HOPE ANGEL24K (58,740 points)   6 11 35
COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME WHAT'S YOUR GOAL?
A. "I just don't want survivors to feel it was their fault as much as most", so I try my best to prove to others that no one can help me. I subconsciously deny any help, and I ignore any positive change or hope I see.

B. I appreciate all the care, help, and support from my friends, family, and even strangers. I want to help them to help myself. And most importantly, I care about myself, and want to try my best to find solutions to help me go through this difficult time.

"Thank you everyone for your supportive comments etc."
IF YOU REALLY ARE THANKFUL, COULD YOU PLEASE TELL US THAT YOU ARE FIGHTING INSTEAD OF "I see no end in this cysle unless I take my own life I feel I will keep trying."

"At first I was noticing the things I wouldn't have seen had I been successful"
COULD YOU SHARE WITH US WHAT YOU HAVE SEEN?

HAVE YOU TALKED WITH YOUR THERAPIST ABOUT THIS?
HAVE YOU CALLED THE HOTLINE?
+2 votes
Profile Photo answered Nov 28, 2012 by HOPE ANGEL24K (58,740 points)   6 11 35

I wrote this before, and I would love to share with you:

The demon asked me to throw the stone in my hand as far as I can. It said: “This is your burden and it is the cause of your problems.”  The angel whispered in my ear: “Don’t throw it. Carry it with you. It will reach as far as you can go. The stone is your life, and there is no gravity in heaven.”

+3 votes
Profile Photo answered Dec 5, 2012 by goodwill ANGEL24K (33,360 points)   5 12 58
Hi

If you really want to thank us, please stop attempting against your life. As I told you before, the attempts will fail... You are not meant to leave this earth yet, and especially not by your own hand. Please realize that every attempt is only creating more damage and is making you sink further and further into your depression. If you truly hate the ER and the hospital, then STOP putting yourself there. You are the only one who is creating this situation. If you truly want to end the cycle, then check yourself into a program. There are so many great programs available to you, and it in no way has to resemble a hospital. There are facilities close to the beach, lovely secluded places that are more like resorts. YOU CAN BREAK THE CYCLE simply by deciding to live. You clearly want to live - you have that spark of hope. Don't let it go out. Don't let the dark thoughts take over. Please come back here and talk to us about it ... YOU ARE NOT A BURDEN! Let us know what haunts you. There are people here from all over the world, chances are someone has been through the same thing.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE stop the suicide attempts. They are creating more pain. I hope I hear back from you ...
+1 vote
Profile Photo answered Dec 5, 2012 by always-forever (170 points)  
I'm sure you're concerned about what these people would think, and how they would feel after you're "gone" because you know they care. Do yourself a favor and try something different to deal with/overcome your depression. I lost a good friend to suicide just over 6 months ago. I still deal with that loss every day. I can't imagine how bad your depression must be if you wan't to end your life, but I'm certain that there is something else you could do. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Depression is overwhelming, and terrible to deal with. I've had two "episodes" in my life. Just try and think of all the good things you have going for you. Maybe this could be your time to change and make a better, happier life for yourself.

 

Stay strong. You have it in you <3
+1 vote
Profile Photo answered Dec 6, 2012 by HOPE ANGEL24K (58,740 points)   6 11 35

Hi (could you please let us know how you like us to call you?),

I can tell that you are a person with determination and strength. However, I am not sure if you have use this to try to achieve the right goal.

We used to have a printer in our office. When one of the ink cartage was running low (usually the black one), it would print out one full page to notify you that the ink is low and please replace the cartage etc. (in black color) after each print job was completed.

What do you think? Does this help or not? Most of the remaining black ink was just wasted.

Another example: I recently bought an emergency battery (you keep it charged, so it can power your small appliance when you lose power or being outside). You are smart and I am sure you know the rest of the story: when the battery is low, the internal speaker will produce this loud and continuous announcement “Battery is low, please recharge!” Soon it proves that the battery is indeed low by silence …

My dear friend, I really hope you could please spend some time to think about this …

Please think about your goal, and try to define what “success” means here …

Please try to change your perspective. Relate this success to survive, then you are a winner every day!!!!

And indeed, YOU ARE A WINNER when you are reading this.

 

We spend our time here NOT because we think we know better or there are easy/simple solutions. We are here because we believe in YOU (and us human beings). We believe you can fight through this difficult time and you can control your future …

 

Ink can be refilled, battery can be recharged, but YOU are UNIQUE and irreplaceable in this world …

+1 vote
Profile Photo answered Dec 6, 2012 by faith ANGEL18K+ (21,830 points)   3 7 33
Hi, I have just read your message.
Is your pain physical ?
are you male or female ?
what age are you.?
Do you have a family ?
Would you want to die if there was no pain and no suffering.
You have a lot of Angels on here that want to help you. Have they helped at all ?
If their is a way if get well would you take it. Please reply............Angel Faith
+1 vote
Profile Photo answered Dec 6, 2012 by Kinch ANGEL500 (740 points)   2
There is no way for any of us to fully understand what you have been through and what you are going through. I am so sorry you are in such a difficult state of mind and spirit. I too have a burden of experiences that causes me great anxiety and fear. I live with it every day. Your burden seems much heavier. I wish I had a magic wand to wave and make your pain go away. This site is call find an angel so of course religion is a part of it. I think you are missing faith, not religion. Faith that you are ment for something. I don't know if you relaize this or not but for every person here who has posted to you, you have given them meaning and purpose. In your cry for help, you have given one of the most precious gifts any person can. You already have more meaning than you think. For each of us you encounter you bring us the hope that we can be a source of help or something to help ease the burden of your pain. When you share it with us you let a little portion of it go. Once you share it with us we too feel it with you. None of us can be physically there, but we can be here for you when ever we can with thoughts, prayers, and wishes for you to find all the joys in life that have been laid out befor you. I can not tell you where they are and what they are for you, but I am sure they are there. All of these people are there...... so there is hope.
+1 vote
Profile Photo answered Dec 20, 2012 by goodwill ANGEL24K (33,360 points)   5 12 58
Hi

I have not heard from you in a while, and I am hoping and praying that you are clinging to life. I hope you are fighting your demons, and make every attempt to stay alive. Please do not lose hope. Death is not the answer. It has not solved anything for you nor will it. Please come back and keep us updated. You are not alone. Hope I hear back from you soon.
0 votes
Profile Photo answered Dec 23, 2012 by kluber (260 points)   1
i know the feeling. if someone could live better because of my death i would gladly end it. thats not the case though. nobody would be happy knowing i died for them. please call or text me at 8182648708.  talk to me. please?
+1 vote
answered Sep 6 by anonymous  
Please,  listen to a mother that lost her son, her baby, that took his own life. Its not possible for you to consider this as your only way out, I know you have been told that there is help out there and I only ask that you would talk to someone about how you are feeling right now. I cant even tell you what an awful experience this has been for me and continues to be even 17 years later. My heart has been broken beyond repair. My heart goes out to you and your family and I will keep you in my prayers. Please reconsider your options.

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