My head is a mess and I wish I never existed

Question

I feel like my life is completely meaningless.

I am a 25 year old woman, I still live at home, I have no money in the bank (besides a few hundred dollars left that I just received from social assistance as I am currently not working due to depression and anxiety), I've worked numerous jobs and impulsively spent every single paycheck and never saved any money. I dont own a car, nor do I know how to drive as I don't have the capacity. I have no real skills besides being a basic "makeup artist" I have no boyfriend and barely any friends, and the few friends I do have don't know me for the pathetic pathetic person I truly am because of the facade I put off. In reality, I am a pathological lying, severely depressed, anxious, and cognitively impaired person. Genetically. (I have no post traumatic stress, Ive been this way the entirety of my life)

As much as I love my parents, I resent them for giving giving birth to me. I was born with these mental illnesses and I am at the lowest I've ever been in my life. I have no passion, intelligence or real character. I don't know, nor have I ever known who I really am as a person.

I constantly envy everyone around me. I believe that every single person in this world has it better than me in their brains and I constantly ask myself why I had to be born who I am. I will never amount to anything and that's a fact. Im constantly exhausted and feel like I am done with life. Ive had my highs, sex and alcohol binges and I once had an overwhelming amount of false confidence and enthusiasm. I have been known to be the "life of the party". Im now more self aware that I am nothing at all as I am older and life is creeping up on me.

I've been on antidepressants for over 4 years now and perhaps they're part of the reason I haven't been able to go through with killing myself. Maybe theyre keeping me from completely going off.

However, I know that if it wasn't for my family and the devastation I'd leave them with, I would end my life. I almost feel like I'm living just to keep them sane. I have no motivation, I am mentally, physically and emotionally already dead. I also haven't gone through with a real suicide attempt because I am too cowardly and I envy those who have had the strength to do so. Instead I just spend almost every minute of the day wishing I would die in a freak accident and when I go to bed, I pray that I won't wake up.

I have nothing to offer the world. I wake up, eat and go back to sleep basically.

I feel completely hopeless and I am chronically sad and negative. Incapable of true happiness. Nothing fulfills me anymore.

I don't know what kind of responses I will get out of doing this and I suppose my question is, how do I go on living this way? I hate everything about me.

I must add that I have tried therapy, yoga, etc and none have worked for me as I'm still here.

There's so much more I can say, this just skims the surface.

Thank you in advance.

Answer 1

Don't give up!! You will find what makes you happy in this life, and it will light a fire in your soul. Dig deeper, beyond the surface that fills you with all the negative vibes. It's in there, and its alive, and happy, and filled with love, and excitement. You are apparently an intelligent person, that I can see by your post.. don't underestimate yourself. YOU CAN DO THIS.. YOU WILL DO THIS.. YOU WILL FIND YOUR PURPOSE, YOUR HAPPINESS.. it is out there waiting for you to discover it.

Answer 2

Hi,

I've struggled with anxiety (social anxiety and general anxiety), and depression (including suicidal thoughts), and there's been a lot of improvement for me. I've been taking anti-depressant medications prescribed by a doctor. Also I've been doing the 12 Steps of Emotions Anonymous. Part of my continued healing is that I share with others the solution. The 12 Steps of EA are:

1: We admitted we were powerless over our emotions--that our lives had become unmanageable.
2: We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3: We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4: We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5: We admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6: We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7: We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8: We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9: We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10: We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11: We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
And there's an additional principle of recovery: We offered forgiveness to those who had hurt us.

Emotions Anonymous, a fellowship of people recovering from emotional problems like anxiety, depression and anger.
http://www.emotionsanonymous.org

My story can be found here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8EysSD4rGew

I’ve also been involved with a fellowship called Celebrate Recovery, a fellowship of people recovering from all kinds of hurts, hang-ups and habits. To find a group:
http://locator.crgroups.info

Thanks for reading this.

May peace be with you,
Anonymous

Comments

Dear Depressed person. From this letter you sound extremely depressed but also I note you point where you said you seem to have overly confident moments. This is starting to sound a bit like Bipolar Disorder instead of just unipolar depression. In Bipolar the lows can be significantly lower than normal. You need to get a new Psychiatric assessment from the nearest big hospital to you. Also, you may benefit from taking a MOOD STABILISER to lift your mood out of this terrible state you in depression wise. Take youself seriously and get assessed at hospital. Go see a public psychiatist and tell them how you are feeling.  This is what public hospitals are for.. .sick people.  You could also benefit from seeing an Occupational Therapist while you are at hospital,  about your lifestyle and talking about how to change your life for the better.  I have found they are often quite helpful as they work with people with problematic lives for living.

Answer 3

I can relate to you in many ways, I know that I am intelligent & recognize that you are also.
I am currently 29 and just over 1 year clean from meth, most my teeth are broken & can't afford to fix them, so I'm working as a gardner, but will soon apply for factory work as the season is getting *** and theres less work than I need.

This is what you need to do... its called 1 for me 1 for you
You spen 1 hour doing something good for yourself
and then 1 hour doing something good for others.

Community volunteering helping out in opp shops, fundraisers, animal shelters, homeless shelters, etc...
Remember the vast injustice all around us, and do something about it... people are hurting & you have had the path to empathise with this... And to help them.

When you are doing things for others its good practice, and literally will get you experience and skills to get employment or even start your own business.

So eg, go make a healthy snack/meal, do a couple sets of sit ups, squats, push ups, etc and there you go, endorphins, etc, healthy function/capacity returning...
Then go online and find a couple volunteer roles as locally as possible, it will take at least an hour,
Then do another set or two and either call them or leave the page/tab open until theyre opening/contact hours...
Put up sticky notes saying
"1 for me, 1 for you"
"1 for me
1 for you"

Your able to help someone in the world, I hope you do that and stop hurting yourself by focusing on whats wrong or what you havnt got yet or done yet.... YET...

I know your smart eniugh to understand what I'm saying, so I hope it rings true for you and triggers a positive spark.

Good luck mate!

Answer 4

THESE ARE THE 3 POWERFUL PRAYERS EXORCIST USE TO DRIVE OUT EVIL - You Can Use It Too - CatholicShare

https://www.catholicshare.com/these-are-the-3-powerful-prayers-exorcists-use-to-drive-out-evil-you-can-use-it-too/#axzz5aJS8bqNa

1. Anima Christi

Soul of Christ, sanctify me; Body of Christ, save me; Blood of Christ, inebriate me; Water from the side of Christ, wash me; Passion of Christ, strengthen me; O good Jesus, hear me; within Thy wounds, hide me; let me never be separated from Thee; from the evil one, deliver me; at the hour of my death, call me and bid me come to Thee, that with Thy saints, I may praise Thee forever and ever. Amen.

2. Prayer Against Malefice from the Greek Ritual

God, our Lord, King of ages, All-powerful and All-mighty, You Who made everything and Who transform everything simply by Your will. You Who in Babylon changed into dew the flames of the ‘seven-times hotter’ furnace and protected and saved the three holy children. You are the doctor and the physician of our soul. You are the salvation of those who turn to You.

We beseech You to make powerless, banish, and drive out every diabolic power, presence, and machination; every evil influence, malefice, or evil eye and all evil actions aimed against Your servant [name of person/s]. Where there is envy and malice, give us an abundance of goodness, endurance, victory, and charity.

O Lord, You Who love man, we beg You to reach out Your powerful hands and Your most high and mighty arms and send the angel of peace over us, to protect us, body and soul. May he keep at bay and vanquish every evil power, every poison or malice invoked against us by corrupt and envious people.

Then, under the protection of Your authority may we sing, in gratitude, ‘The Lord is my salvation; whom should I fear? I will not fear evil because You are with me, my God, my strength, my powerful Lord, Lord of peace, Father of all ages.”

Yes, Lord our God, be merciful to us, Your image, and save your servant [name of person/s] from every threat or harm from the evil one, and protect him/her by raising him/her above all evil. We ask You this through the intercession of our Most Blessed, glorious Lady, Mary ever Virgin, Mother of God, of the most splendid archangels and all Your saints. Amen!

3. Prayer for Deliverance

My Lord, you are all powerful, you are God, you are Father. We beg you through the intercession and help of the archangels Michael, Raphael and Gabriel, for the deliverance of our brothers and sisters who are enslaved by the evil one. All saints of Heaven, come to our aid.

From anxiety, sadness and obsessions, we beg You. Free us, O Lord. From hatred, fornication, envy, we beg You, Free us, O Lord. From thoughts of jealousy, rage, and death, we beg You, Free us, O Lord. From every thought of suicide and abortion, we beg You, Free us, O Lord. From every form of sinful sexuality, we beg You, Free us, O Lord.

From every division in our family, and every harmful friendship, we beg You, Free us, O Lord. From every sort of spell, malefic, witchcraft, and every form of the occult, we beg You, Free us, O Lord.

Lord, You Who said, “I leave you peace, My peace I give you,” grant that, through the intercession of the Virgin Mary, we may be liberated from every evil spell and enjoy your peace always. In the name of Christ, our Lord. Amen.

Answer 5

try building some skills. more ppl feel like u do than u know. I am one of them. life is a journey and we are all on our own separate journeys here. life is about getting skills and learning and growing until we feel better - that is all. just keep trying to build skills until then.