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I am now dead inside I suffered loss of mom and more

+1 vote
36 views
asked Jan 2 by anonymous  
. I married my high school sweetheart whom has always been my life my soulmate ,twin flame and he is perfect except when we fight he has temper tantrums and breaks my memorable things. He had a great job without  jobs ,and I felt the most stable on lamictal and lexapro for my bipolar two depression. Five years without others living with us We have two amazing daughters whom we raised and he has always been a wonderful father and husband ,he kept the job for five years in Rhode Island and we finally had just the four of us. We helped everyone. We let his brother tv sadly my father in law had terminal brain cancer and I was happy to help and move there so he could see his grandkids died 10 months later. His mothers didn’t like  him  as he and mil were abusive to my hubby as a child. Then she was a nice to my kids always loud She offered to watch the kids i enrolled cosmetology school. She offered to watch my kids and she was spending her huge chunk of money like water  I asked her to not smoke no near kids sneaky mil brought kids home before smelling like smoke but instead of saying after I paid my own money committed to the nine months I went home  I was livid when my toddler was walking around with a full diaper while she was conked out in the chair,cig in ashtray  hubby told her she would stay up all night  I had invested in the school she was giving everyone else the money like water and I asked my hubby to ask her for a daycare loan and she wouldn’t talk to me and it was her fault !!! Then I kept coming back for lunch and was ok and I ended up with Gerd and panic attacks started then toward the end of my school I came back and the **** mil was passed out in the computer chair and my daughter again with a full diaper with the door open beeping for the lazy *** to let my oldest off the bus I dropped out for a week and my mom paid for them to go to daycare and my mom worked fulltme her whole life and divorced my dad in Canada we left at 11 sand my bro was 9 and she did it all herself and actually was still in love with my dad but his undiagnosed bipolar 1 never was treated until years later .thjs lady couldn’t say that she wasn’t healthy enough to watch her grandchildren and I will pay for daycare you can always repay me since you are at school and because of that **** I had to pay an extra 500$ and graduate a week later because I had to take a week off I forgave her because I figured grief and she grew up lack of manners some etiquette and manners she was a sedentary couch potato computer addict and food addict overweight and granny looming unlike my mom who took care of herself independent and a true lady  I was so happy when we left and a bit annoyed that his similar brother had to go without permission we were young and they both got jobs myself included and were able to get our apartment and I missed my mom and nana and they were broken hearted because they loved their grandchildren so much and when a year passed my then best friend offered an apartment on the first floor and spoke to landlord and we came back. Good news too his brother went to live with his mother. Then about a year later my only independent brother undiagnosed bipolar at the time was depressed up in Canada and my mom and I went to get him and he stayed with us for close to a year and got healthy met his wife and helped around house did his own thing and respected our privacy strong boundaries like we were raised and hubby seemed to be the same as myself but we were alone and then the witch had spent too much money she was camping at her hard working older sister who adopted two of their youngest addict sister kids and all mil had to do was get off the couch get the kids after school program and a few times she overslept and her sister would come home after a long day do chores cook supper while she laid there I told her to go for help she takes an antidepressant that is all and when she bought a time share and her house she couldn’t afford anything she went through all the money but has a nice nest now and we tried to help for years. She came to stay with us to be able to pay her time share and house she lost the timeshare it was stressful having her and her neutered cat who sprayed and stayed on our couch all day and night after I set up a bedroom she never went in and we didn’t charge her a dime for the eight months she stayed and my kids shared a room for her to have one hubby said mom the landlord is going to have to charge you rent and was relieved when she went back home his brother and girlfriend (now wife) live a few towns over they have an extra bedroom and no kids and a town house. My mom died at 59 she was three years older than this Woman basically one of our cars went and the hellish life I was about to waste a decade in which was supposed to be a year and a half in 2008 .,I was talked into moving in with his mom and because one of our cars went. Then I said ok let’s sell that dark small house my dad calls a chicken coop my dad cane and did little bit of work on it from Canada and he is retired carpenter and she had finally got a job part time at kohls then she had a stroke husband lost job and he got to stay home with the kids which helped because she would tv them and the problem was he stayed on the unemployment until it was gone there was two years and his moms stroke and she became more needy When my mom died in an accident I was torn apart  in 2013 , I had been attacked as a nanny six months after  everything went to hell he went to school for hvac no job he had a felony as a teen so finally sealed record he had identity theft on top of it other than delivery driving pt,a part time job at liquor store until it was sold 3.5 years ago loving there I became addicted to painkillers always solo solos supported us on disability two or  three jobs  he hasn’t worked since 3 years stuck at his moms after he told me he got job lost that I used all my money on rent away from his mom 2 years sober but I finally had nervous breakdown in hospital 3 times totaled my late moms car that I put 12 k in he put money in his moms house and bought car this that with my moms money he slept whole time money the one year bipolar and PTSD no license he had the car. We have been back at this hell hole with his 60 year old mom diabetic smokes had a stroke doesn’t care and it’s really unhealthy dark environment. He recently checked into hospital i plan on leaving the house is sold I have my disability and very little hours walking distance at a store for a year he sleeps a lot and he doesn’t care I found a room for rent I am 43 and more destitute than I was at 13 I have suicidal thoughts every day but I don’t want to do that to my kids. I invested a life like this and he went for help and was diagnosed and treated for depression I am sad cause I am in love with ths. Person he was and I am not the same I can’t feel joy or hope and I am going to be a grandmother in May my daughter is 23 successful and has a fear provider I had to pawn my rings. He lives off of me and his mom I have waitex and waited and I can’t. I hope I can separate for a year to see if he works. If not I have to divorce him because I anxious again and I want my daughter with me but this nice woman is only renting a room and I am afraid to tell him because he will destroy what little I have left but I have to finally learn to love myself. Am I doing the right thing his mom is enmeshed and made him a surrogate spouse when we moved our she pouted and I asked what was wrong she was like I miss my son. I said we just left yesterday she said so. And she asks me for the rent I pay my share now and tell her to ask her son for his share what an awful mother and burden and he even said that the wrong mom died I am sorry I love mom but I agree I feel awful but I feel resentment toward husband and so much more loss and pain I wish that god would take me home
Country: United States
    

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2 Answers

0 votes
answered Jan 3 by anonymous  
Hi,

I've struggled with hurts, hang-ups and habits, and there's been a lot of improvement for me. I've been working the 8 Principles of Celebrate Recovery. Part of my continued healing is that I share with others the solution. The 8 Principles of CR are:

1) Realize I’m not God. I admit that I’m powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing, and that my life has become unmanageable.
2) Earnestly believe that God exists, that I matter to him, and that he has the power to help me recover.
3) Consciously commit my life and will to Christ’s care and control.
4) Openly examine and confess my faults to God, to myself and to someone I trust.
5) Voluntarily submit to every change God wants to do in my life, and humbly ask him to remove my character defects.
6) Evaluate all my relationships. Offer forgiveness to those who have hurt me and make amends for harm I’ve done to others, except when to do so would harm them or others.
7) Reserve a daily time with God for self-examination, Bible reading and prayer in order to know God and his will for my life and to gain the power to follow his will.
8) Yield myself to God to be used to bring this good news to others, both by my example and by my words.

Celebrate Recovery, a fellowship of people recovering from hurts, hang-ups and habits. To find a group:
http://locator.crgroups.info

My recovery story, plus other information for life, can be found here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Khujx17Q7c

Thanks for reading this.

May peace be with you,
Anonymous
0 votes
answered Jan 8 by anonymous  
Don’t hang your hat on expectations because this often leads to disappointment. Expectations have a way of keeping us in relationships or situations far too long, investing more and more in hopes to finally hit Pay Day. Expectations are not guarantees, rather they are markers. When our expectations or needs are not met, we need to take note, respond assertively and appropriately, and be flexible enough to change course if need be.

4. Break the barriers you’ve created for yourself that keep you imprisoned. We all have self-limiting beliefs. “I could never do that!” “I could never wear that!” “I could never earn that!” If you believe you won’t, you won’t. Expand your thinking and allow more into your life.

5. Relinquish control over others, for it’s a false concept anyways. We only truly have control over our own thoughts, behaviors, choices, actions and decisions. Don’t expend time and energy spinning your wheels on trying to change others.

6. Separate yourself from attachment to externals (possessions, beauty, titles, money, status, situation, etc.) Bring your attention to the internal, deeper, psycho-spiritual-relational process within. This will bring you peace, calm and serenity. When we focus on externals, enough is never enough.

7. Stop worrying about what other people think and commit to it as a way of life. While hanging onto your morale compass, free yourself from being consumed or controlled by the opinions of others. Choose to care more about how you feel about yourself than whether or not your neighbor approves. We are our happiest when we live our lives in a way that is aligned with our authentic selves.

8. Exhale. With an audible sigh, exhale through your mouth, releasing all you no longer want or need (i.e. anxiety, stress, guilt, shame, worry, etc.) Inhale deeply through your nose, drawing in all that you need (i.e. peace, strength, serenity, courage, love, etc.). Repeat this cycle, allowing your exhale to become longer and deeper than your inhale and notice your mind/body/spirit calm and relax.

9. Purge unnecessary belongings. Clear your home and office of any items you neither love nor use. Make space in your life for peace and joy.

10. Free yourself from toxic relationships. Assess your support network and have the courage to shift boundaries or even terminate relationships that are not good for you. Create space in your life for new and healthy relationships.

You are in charge of your own freedom and future.  You must pick yourself up and make the right changes for the future of your grandchildren to come.  You can do it.  God be with you.

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