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I want to die, but I don't want to hurt my family.

+1 vote
asked Jan 26, 2018 by SadPenguin  
Basically as the title/question says. I'm absolutely miserable and I can't stand living anymore. I'm physically and mentally disabled, as diagnosed by several professional doctors. However, because I'm young (early 20s) they don't want to put me on disability. So, not only am I in pain every second of my life and unable to function properly, have literally zero friends because no one can stand my messed up personality, but I'm poor because I literally can't work and have no income.

I live with my grandparents. They support me almost entirely, which makes me feel like ****, but I'd be homeless otherwise. I know that all I do is stress them out with my bipolar mood swings and depression, but my grandma does still love me (which I don't understand). So, even though I would honestly love nothing more than to just kill myself and end not only my suffering, but the suffering of those around me who I unintentionally hurt with my personality, I can't do it because I know that my grandma would be crushed. I also have a dog who would miss me.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

I'm tried so many therapists and counselors. I'm getting yet another one shortly, but I doubt that it'll change anything. I've also been on so many anti-depressants and medications for anxiety. I'm getting really sick of how they make me feel, though.

On top of everything, I'm also transgender. I've been transitioning for over a year now, but I'm not happy with the results. I still can't look at myself in the mirror without hating myself even more. I just... can't stand this anymore.

Is there anything I can do to at least make things more tolerable? I've resorted to drinking lately to make myself at least more pleasant to be around since alcohol seems to mellow me out a bit.
Country: United States

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3 Answers

0 votes
answered Jan 28, 2018 by anonymous  

I've struggled with depression, including suicidal thoughts, and anxiety (social anxiety and general anxiety), and there's been a lot of improvement for me. I've been taking anti-depressant medications. Also I've been doing the 12 Steps of Emotions Anonymous. Part of my continued healing is that I share with others the solution. The 12 Steps of EA are:

1: We admitted we were powerless over our emotions--that our lives had become unmanageable.
2: We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3: We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4: We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5: We admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6: We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7: We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8: We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9: We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10: We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11: We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
And there's an additional principle of recovery: We offered forgiveness to those who had hurt us.

Emotions Anonymous, a fellowship of people recovering from emotional problems like anxiety, depression and anger.

My story can be found here:

I’ve also been involved with a fellowship called Celebrate Recovery, a fellowship of people recovering from all kinds of hurts, hang-ups and habits. To find a group:

Thanks for reading this.

May peace be with you,
0 votes
answered Jan 30, 2018 by Maresh  
Me too though I am a lot older than you. I have lost my business and family through a questionable diagnosis of Bipolar. I hate myself so much and every minute of every day, wish I was dead.
0 votes
answered Feb 1, 2018 by anonymous  
You have articulated very well here. I am not an expert but wanted to say hello. I don't want you to think about leaving this earth now.  The day will come when your perspective changes (age is one reason) and  youll see what the world would lose if you decided not to go on.  You speak fondly of your grandma; give back took her altruistically, and Thank her often.  With your writing talent is there a center that serves lgbt community.  Ask them if there is a job for you,  perhaps a news letter you could start for them,  or outreach programs you could start for them volunteer or pay preferably.  It'll keep you busy for worthy cause, and keep you around liked minded persons.  You could share your journey, and hopefully others can offer you comfort. Work there for a few hours a week  since there is physical pain you mention. Find library books that deal with grief, surviving pain, and transgender biographies. That's all i can think of,  but don't push yourself to hard,  take it day by day.  Seek out your community

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