I'm partially responsible for my boyfriends suicide.. I want to die

Question

I'll start with my mistakes.. I stayed with a man who abused me financially and emotionally in the beginning months.  Yes the betrayal was horrible but after years battling clinical depression I just gave up. He hid the bills,  my car was towed. But, I should have left. I wanted my money back at first..and I was lazy bc he would take care of me when I was depressed.

Moving forward, we stayed together, although I never trusted him. Yet he did nice things and was funny and supportive. I think he loved me, or cared for me,  but what was weird was he would do little things that he knew would upset me, like not changing the channel  if an animal was being hurt.. Something that deeply hurts me.. And he would lie about little things still..  And just as bad, I hurt him, because I could not show him deep love, although I cared.  This is where I ultimately failed as a human being. I should have insisted we break up. And then one night, over a silly argument he got up and put his hands around my throat. He didn't actually hurt me. But, I kicked him out. He sent me hurtful texts.
I called him 1 week later bc his friend said he had pills. While talking to him, I could tell he had taken almost all. But He wouldn't tell  me which hotel he was at He died that night. I didn't even tell him I loved him..I begged him not to do it though.  I panicked after and tried to find him.
I caused him to feel unloved in the end!!!!!!!!!!!!! . I'm done. He died alone. I realized I do love him. I can't go on. Yes I've been to counseling. I have no family.

Answer 1

Deaely beloved you are loved, ultimately you had NO control over HIS actions only yours,you are not responsible for his suicude at all, YOU were not in control, NOW is the time to concentrate on yourself and pray to God for strength and guidance, he's gone now and you most know that you have to live for you now, YES, painful and yes there is guilt but know that there is a burden barrier, who cares more about you than you'll ever realuze. Remain calm, settle your thoughts into a positive prospective of life from here on, mourn but live, repent and forgive, love yourself and know you are worth a chance in life to tell your story to others that have similarities, pray and build your faith in GOD!

Answer 2

Hi,

I've struggled with hurts, hang-ups and habits, and there's been a lot of improvement for me. I've been taking anti-depressant medications. Also I've been working the 8 Principles of Celebrate Recovery. Part of my continued healing is that I share with others the solution. The 8 Principles of CR are:

1) Realize I’m not God. I admit that I’m powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing, and that my life has become unmanageable.
2) Earnestly believe that God exists, that I matter to him, and that he has the power to help me recover.
3) Consciously commit my life and will to Christ’s care and control.
4) Openly examine and confess my faults to God, to myself and to someone I trust.
5) Voluntarily submit to every change God wants to do in my life, and humbly ask him to remove my character defects.
6) Evaluate all my relationships. Offer forgiveness to those who have hurt me and make amends for harm I’ve done to others, except when to do so would harm them or others.
7) Reserve a daily time with God for self-examination, Bible reading and prayer in order to know God and his will for my life and to gain the power to follow his will.
8) Yield myself to God to be used to bring this good news to others, both by my example and by my words.

Celebrate Recovery, a fellowship of people recovering from hurts, hang-ups and habits. To find a group:
http://locator.crgroups.info

Thanks for reading this.

May peace be with you,
Anonymous