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+1 vote
I am twenty two years old. I began seeing 'Joe' when I was nineteen. We dated for two and a half years, one and a half of which we lived together in our own little apartment. He raped me, he beat me, he messed with my head. I could take the extreme sexual violence and rape, it didn't really bother me too much in the moment because I've come to expect it from most men. I was sexually abused a couple times as a kid, and I can deal with saying no, with fighting, being over powered or ignored. I can accept being raped. He would do things specifically to hurt me, like shove ice cubes in me and then rape me, not because he enjoyed it, but because he liked watching my reaction as it shredded me. I didn't even care afterwards, I can't bring myself to care now.

But what kills me is one memory. After he beat me over something - the laundry not being done, turning off his computer, I can't remember what I did anymore - he picked me up off the floor. He started carrying me down the dark hall towards the bedroom. I tried to scream, I thought he would kill me. I knew he was going to take his knives from the nightstand and kill me, he had threatened me with them enough to know to be fearful of the bedroom when we fought. I always tried to stay away from the bedroom with the knives, the living room with his tool kit (I would defend myself by scratching him, and he'd say "I'll get the pliers and tear out your ******* nails, I'll pull them out"), the kitchen with its knives - but he was bringing me to the bedroom and I knew I would die.

I clawed at the walls and cried, I tried to kick and get down, but I was weak and scared. He didn't say a word. He laid me on the bed and I shook, and I shook. And he reached into the nightstand drawer, where he kept that god ****** knife, and I thought about my parents and how sad they would be when I was discovered.

But he pulled out a ****** instead, and then he started kissing me, in the dark. And I cried, quietly, and kissed him back, and the quiet rape began. And I cried the whole way through, grateful at his gentleness after his violence, confused and scared, waiting for the other shoe to drop. And he was so kind in his touches that night, and he stroked my face and hair, like I was fragile. Like he hadn't tried to break my ribs moments before, like he hadn't slammed my head in the wall, like he hadn't kicked, and punched, and twisted my hair.

It was the worst rape of my life. It paired horrible violence and tender sexuality. I don't know how to cope with this. I can't come to terms with this, I am devastated.

I am safe now, living with my parents, going to counselling, piecing together my life. But he is coming back soon, coming back to my city for Christmas, and I tremble every time I see someone who resembles him. My heart squeezes and I feel like I'm being stabbed every time I see his likeness in others. I'm so afraid. Help me, please, I need someone, anyone, to talk to. I feel so broken.

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4 Answers

0 votes
Profile Photo by faith ANGEL22K+ (22.4k points)   3 7 36
Hi, Sorry but I have only just read your message. Can you message me back and let me know how things stand now please.
It must be a terrible feeling this afraid. I am here for you if you want to talk...........Angel Faith
+2 votes
Profile Photo by goodwill ANGEL24K (33.8k points)   5 12 59

I am sorry you have gone through so much. It sounds like you are piecing your life back together. Stick with therapy, and let the loving support of your parents drive you to get over this. It is very deep trauma and it is going to take time. The fear especially is going to be the hardest to disapper.

The thing you need to do now is get a permanent restraining order against him. Go to the court and request a temporary restraining order. The court in your state generally issues these within a day or so, and then you have 30 days to convert it to a permanent restraining order. He has accosted you so you should have no problem obtaining one. With the restraining order he cannot come near you within a certain distance. If he does he will automatically be arrested. Without the restraining order, police cannot arrest him unless he attacks you - AND NO ONE WANTS THAT TO EVER HAPPEN AGAIN! Please do not delay on this. Given the holiday, I am not sure if the courts will be open, but if you know an attorney he can send the motion on your behalf, and your ex would not even have to be present for it take effect. I know you may think it is only a piece of paper but it is a form of protection. Even if he is already in your same town, please get this done. And I know this may be annoying, but do not go anywhere alone, especially if you suspect he is near. Be safe.

Thank you for having the courage to share your story. I think right now what may really help is if you join a rape and/or domestic violence support group. You are not alone. I hope that you take your tragedy and use it to help others. Volunteer. It can be very therapeutic. Counsel others to get out of abusive relationships. Continue to share your story, and may it give others the courage to leave their abusive relationships. I am sure it was not easy for you to get out of it.

Please keep me posted. I hope this helped and I hope to hear back from you soon.
+1 vote
Profile Photo by Santana ANGEL5000+ (5.4k points)   1 3 15

Hi Friend,

This person will be on your mind and Im guessing in your dreams. He has imprinted on your subconscious mind because of the feelings you experienced throughout that whole horrible ordeal. Im glad to hear the you are now safe and have been going to counselling.

Having experienced similar a long time ago, my advice to you is not to try and fight the memories, being in conflict with the past. Accept that this happened, realise the severe problems that man has, and then think about the things you have done and the person you are since you left this relationship.

You are not that same person anymore, you are stronger and you got through it. Those things have passed now and you are in control not him.  Spend time all to yourself, doing the things that you love, things that make you happy. Be strong. No one can hurt you without your permission. Visualise the kind of life you want now and take it.

In time those feelings of dread pass, I promise. You will get to the point that you couldnt care less if you bumped right into him, because he is a nothing and a nobody and you are EVERYTHING.

Have a wonderful happy life, you deserve it x




0 votes
Profile Photo by dolphin007 ANGEL24K (308k points)   7 7 12

1. Anima Christi

Soul of Christ, sanctify me; Body of Christ, save me; Blood of Christ, inebriate me; Water from the side of Christ, wash me; Passion of Christ, strengthen me; O good Jesus, hear me; within Thy wounds, hide me; let me never be separated from Thee; from the evil one, deliver me; at the hour of my death, call me and bid me come to Thee, that with Thy saints, I may praise Thee forever and ever. Amen.

2. Prayer Against Malefice from the Greek Ritual

God, our Lord, King of ages, All-powerful and All-mighty, You Who made everything and Who transform everything simply by Your will. You Who in Babylon changed into dew the flames of the ‘seven-times hotter’ furnace and protected and saved the three holy children. You are the doctor and the physician of our soul. You are the salvation of those who turn to You.

We beseech You to make powerless, banish, and drive out every diabolic power, presence, and machination; every evil influence, malefice, or evil eye and all evil actions aimed against Your servant [name of person/s]. Where there is envy and malice, give us an abundance of goodness, endurance, victory, and charity.

O Lord, You Who love man, we beg You to reach out Your powerful hands and Your most high and mighty arms and send the angel of peace over us, to protect us, body and soul. May he keep at bay and vanquish every evil power, every poison or malice invoked against us by corrupt and envious people.

Then, under the protection of Your authority may we sing, in gratitude, ‘The Lord is my salvation; whom should I fear? I will not fear evil because You are with me, my God, my strength, my powerful Lord, Lord of peace, Father of all ages.”

Yes, Lord our God, be merciful to us, Your image, and save your servant [name of person/s] from every threat or harm from the evil one, and protect him/her by raising him/her above all evil. We ask You this through the intercession of our Most Blessed, glorious Lady, Mary ever Virgin, Mother of God, of the most splendid archangels and all Your saints. Amen!

3. Prayer for Deliverance

My Lord, you are all powerful, you are God, you are Father. We beg you through the intercession and help of the archangels Michael, Raphael and Gabriel, for the deliverance of our brothers and sisters who are enslaved by the evil one. All saints of Heaven, come to our aid.

From anxiety, sadness and obsessions, we beg You. Free us, O Lord. From hatred, fornication, envy, we beg You, Free us, O Lord. From thoughts of jealousy, rage, and death, we beg You, Free us, O Lord. From every thought of suicide and abortion, we beg You, Free us, O Lord. From every form of sinful sexuality, we beg You, Free us, O Lord.

From every division in our family, and every harmful friendship, we beg You, Free us, O Lord. From every sort of spell, malefic, witchcraft, and every form of the occult, we beg You, Free us, O Lord.

Lord, You Who said, “I leave you peace, My peace I give you,” grant that, through the intercession of the Virgin Mary, we may be liberated from every evil spell and enjoy your peace always. In the name of Christ, our Lord. Amen.

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