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As a child i was raised in a very emotionally, physically and religiously abusive home. i was molested from the ages of 4-13 by 2 different people . also raped at 16 and 21. These incidents have made me particularlypromiscuous and have led me to.cheat on my husband and alsi have mental illnesses such as borderline personalith disorder and i also have epilepsy. i also have 2 children. my mental issues have gotten me into legal troubles and poor decision making has led me to a heinous criminal record. i have no relationship with mI y mother and i do not know my father.  I have trouble holding jobs because i do not get along with many types of people. i have tried counseling, and medication but.it only works for a few months and then i am back tso square one. i love my sons so much and i camf even imagine letting them go. i jusy need help and i feel like i have no one . i am wobderibg hoq to fibd god and really appreciate him and ask for forgiveness pf my sins so that i may ask for peace and healing. as a child i was taught to live in fearvof god and i want to find the loving god the bible speaka of. how do i trust something i can't see and how do i trust when I've never been able to trust anyone in my life. my mother kicked me ojt.on the streeet at 17 and i then started a life of thievery and drug abuse to survive and cope. i am a high school drop out. i Have hurt many people. and i am so sorry for my actions. will god really help me? How do i believe in him.
Country: united states
    

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7 Answers

+1 vote
Profile Photo by Santana ANGEL5000+ (5.4k points)   1 3 15

Hello Friend,

The fact that you speak so frankly about your past and acknowledge your actions, suggests you are fully aware of the bad decisions you have made, and how they impact those around you.

I’m sorry to hear about the terrible things that happened when you were younger, but that time in your life has now passed.

You and only you have the power to make your life a special one. Taking control of your life is a decision which can be made by you today. Today you can decide to chose a positive path.

You spoke about God and if God can really help you, I don’t know? Who does? But one thing I am sure of, you can help you.

Seek help to gain control of the negative thought which may be controlling you, through meditation, counselling and CBT. Get yourself strong in mind and body. Let go of the past and begin to build a brand new set of memories. You have the power to do that every day of your life.

Your children deserve to have a happy life. Don’t make them victims of your past too. Build the bonds back up day by day, bit by bit. Just love x

Again I am sad you have had such a terrible past, but so many have. It is your choice to be the person who allows their future to be destroyed by their past, or the one that rises victorious through the clouds, just in time to see the rainbow :-)

Stay strong and never give up trying to be well, your kids need you,

Wishing you luck and lots of love xx

+2 votes
Profile Photo by HOPE ANGEL24K (64.4k points)   7 11 38
You don't have to trust others, but you have to trust yourself. You have the capability to bring happiness and wonderful memories to others you love and care about (such as your children).

When you make the next decision, ask yourself: Will those I love want me to do this? Will this help me to be a role model of my children? ...

You are unique and a miracle. Like Angel Santana said, don't let your past limit/define you. You CAN make right decisions and get back on track.

You are not alone.
+2 votes
Profile Photo by Ortiz (410 points)   3
There is no easy answer to this. I can tell you that reading your post is almost like reading my own life story with the exception of the criminal past.

My only guidance I can give is that life is worth living and you can do this! Don't give up on the counciling and the medication it took me a very long time to find the right medicine. Borderline Personality is very unique but there are certain group therapies that have been showing great progress and results.

Most importantly you are the imprint for your childrens future. They will learn everything from your actions, if you can't see a reason to improve for yourself, let them be your sole reason. No one will ever love you more than your children do. You also have to learn how to love yourself again.

You can do this but you have to put it in your heart and mind that improving and making smart choice is the only option.
+1 vote
Profile Photo by pie (170 points)  
Thank you for sharing. It shows u are a strong person by doing so.

I can relate to abuse, drug abuse, mental illness, and guilt. I was molested my my uncle when I was very young and I still suffer from it. I'm now bipolar, adha, and personally think I suffer from a split personality disorder. I have blackouts and nightmares. Its hard for me to tell the difference anymore. Medicine helps for a little but then stops. can't sleep, eat or hold a job.

My cousin, daughter of the man I was molested by. I feel horrible cause I witnessed her abuse and said nothing. I was not alone thou. My whole family knew about it. I was only a little girl and know it is not my fault but still feel like I could have done something. Even at her dance class, the teachers saw the bruises and called but nothing was done.

No matter what you've done in your past, as long as you can forgive yourself, you can be forgiven. If asking God is your way to deal with what u been through, then you do it. Just find peace however you can.

Drugs can bring out a lot of mental illnesses and make them worst, so just be careful.

People are perdictable if you really think about it. Thats how we can make friends, find out illnesses, and even understand ourselves. The way you present yourself is important. People can pick up on emotions based off you body languge, actions, expressions, even your appearence. Its natural, just don't let it take control. If you think of yourself as a victim, people will pick up on those emotions and treat you a certine way. Try it. Next time you are meeting someone or just pass them by, hold your head up high and give them a smile. People will react differently of course. But for the most part I can believe you will get a postive reaction.

Some people might even have been though or are going though what you been though and are going though.

We are natually drawn to positive things. Thats why glitter is so exciting:) And Rainbows. Happy thoughts. Just think postive and others will pick up on that and will act postive also.

I'm not telling you to be fake, just be an actor. I started acting out roles in different situations or depending on who I'm with. I stop and thought about the best way to handle every situation and this helped. I stopped taking everyone's words or even some situations so serious. I stopped judging people right off the bat by giving them a chance. Eventally this got easier and started to become natural. Just remember you can't please everyone or get along with everyone. The all have minds of their own and react based on different feelings. Become a people watcher and try to understand or at least believe that there is a pattern.

Once you start to understand people a little better, you will learn more about how to approch them, situations differently and learn more about yourself.

I hope this helped. Its not easy and may take awhile to pick up a new way of thinking. Best of luck to you and your childern.
+1 vote
by  

I have much compassion and understanding for your struggles. I am absoluly certain that God can and is wanting to heal you of your pain. The fact that you are as honest as you are shows that your heart is crying out. Seek and ask (by praying) to God and expect him to answer. Ask God for a church that can help you with these issues and believe that he will deliver. And as honestly has you are now be just as forthcoming. Learn who Jesus was and believe he came here in the flesh and ask God for the Holy Spirit. Ask Jesus to come into your heart and he will help. I pray for you to find your way. I know it is a daily struggle but learn the truth of God's Word keep fighting the good fight. May God Bless your soul and may you find healing, I pray in Jesus Name, Amen!

your story is much like my own, and I promise you there IS light at the end of the tunnel. Trust God because he is the ONLY one you can trust because his love has no conditions and his love brings freedom from sin and peace for your soul. You must be born again of the spirit in order to allow God to work in your life. You will find unimaginable amounts of love prong poured into your heart as you grow to know the spirit God gives. My heart goes out to you my friend. May you always seek God and learn how to grow in Faith.

Luke 17:6

He replied, "If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, 'Be uprooted and planted in the sea,' and it will obey you.

Ephesians 6:12

 

12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Proverbs 28:13. Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.

Mark 2:17

And when Jesus heard it, he said to them, “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I came not to call the righteous, but sinners.”
 
0 votes
by  
Wow.  I hear you.  When you're in pain and your life feels unbearably chaotic, it's only natural to have lots and lots of things on your mind that seem to demand solving now!

But first things first.  Borderline personality disorder (BPD) brings in its wake severe anxiety, damaging impulsivity, crippling social, workplace and familial friction, dramatic instability of mood and internal chaos.

From my experience, medication may likely not miraculously set everything right all at once.  Instead, for us, its benefit might be more subtle.  If you stick with it, a smoothing-out of mood highs and lows, a lessening of anxiety and a decrease in impulsivity can allow for marked improvement over time in all areas of your life.  And with medication, any ground you gain is more likely ground you keep.  That is crucial with BPD.

Expert support is vital.  A good doctor will understand that borderlines have difficulty with medications.  However, it is my experience that medication is an indispensable tool in my fight against BPD.

Please hang in there and know real improvement is truly possible.
0 votes
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Hi there hope you are doing well belive it or not our stories are almost idinical except for a few minor detells I was also molested as a young child i was six when it started and it countinued untell i was 13  that was one of my preditors and it hapend to be my step father then my uncle thought hey he got away with it its my trun then my cusin brother who ever wanted it just took it I now also have many mental conditionsiam dealing with multible personality disorder, deperstion, bypolar,anxity, pantic atacks i have been married three times my frist marrage only lasted four years he became violent so i left hey good for me right well actulaly i left because i don't do conflect well at all it is a major triger my next marrage lasted ten years but he was a littlel bit more clever he new my issues and new how to munipulate me very well in facted so well he got me to due drugs and even some how got me totake monie from his grandparents or at least to say i did and i lost it all my carere i was a lvn my freedom and he added more mental issues i whent to jail for a year and the whole time i am still proteced him and beleved every thing he told me well now to the one good thing that came out of that i was given a merical i found out in jail i was pregnet and found out at eight and a half months so i was amazed that my daughter besides being a premie and not ******* was heathly she was taken by c section and had to be in nicu but she was well how ever i was a mess you see i still had four months to go on my sentence wow was that hard so after four days with her it was back to jail thank god for my mom she steped in an took her. thank you god becuse her dad was all strung out and i thought he was clean and doing so much for our daughter well i was so wrong when i got out i saw the real him for probly the frist time and i devorced him and my mom and i rasied my daughter  toghter well i am now married to a good man who loves me with all my flaws and loves my daughter as his own .. my daughter is now seven and my mom has passedaway that was a big triger , we lost our house and we might be with out power soon 625.00 is alot of monie when you are on ssa. but i know threre is a god because i was told i would never have childern and i due have one ,, howevery i worry she will inhearit all my issues she is all ready adhd and she is showing signs of bypolar i just wanted you to know that there are pepole out there that understand what you are going threw  i will keep you in my prayers

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