I'm 56. No family, one friend, my ex who is my ex because we just don't connect. I live a life ***** that isolates me and engenders prejudice.
I've no work, no qualifications, nothing of value. I've never had regular work. I was a homeless drifter for years. All I have is a home that I built and that's made from old junk, scrap timber and other people's discards. Building it is only time in my life I felt secure but it could be taken away at any moment despite 16 years being here and it is my land. Nobody worthwhile wants to share it with me because it isn't a 'normal' home.
I've very few skills that people want and those I can offer bring poor financial reward. I have just enough money to feed myself and pay my taxes. There's no help or assistance. I live miles away from people. There is nothing to do hereabouts and I'm a social outsider because I moved here as a teenager to escape a family devoid of love and understanding.
In short, I have no value in society. I'm too far leftfield for the average self centred citizen. I'm seen just an eccentric at best, a freak at the most discriminatory. I'm not from a minority group so I can't call the prejudice card. I've no relatives to turn to. No social network. It's just me and has been since I was a child.
I now struggle with my health. I can't do the things I used to do.
Sometimes I can't see much beyond the next five minutes. But I still work toward some kind of future. Even though that future is more than uncertain and is leading nowhere.
So, what has that to do with your issues?
Well, have a think.
You have experience and qualifications.
You could teach.
Write a book.
Find somebody you can pass on knowledge to in order to uplift them.
Set up a charity.
Find a tree to climb or a river to follow.
Plant a garden.
Stop looking at what you consider your failures.
All that has passed were just experiences.
Stop sulking at your failings.
If you really want to kill yourself then consider it.
But what about the legacy for your children?
How do you think that will help temper their spirits so they can grow into positive happy adults.
Sounds to me like you have failed to understand what you should be learning from your experiences.
You have options. Education. Knowledge. A history of conventional life that others can comprehend.
Stop wallowing in self pity.
If you bother to ask other people, and they're not so emotionally repressed to be able to discuss their feelings, you'll discover a world of generally inadequate people. Most of whom would have done something else with their life.
Those dullard friends are probably as disillusioned as you and regard your educational success or some other aspects of your life and personal achievements with envy.