Where to start , my mother has constantly been blaming me for problems in her life.because my father run off and im the oldest i feel she always had a thing for ripping into me , i felt it was always because she had nobody to listen to her , nobody to blame.throughout my child hood i was raised by her mother until she died when i was 11, my real mother i called her.i was forced to move from my home town , school and friends , to a small village in the middle of nowhere because she wanted to move in with her boyfriend. her life was more important of course.when i was 13 i started drinking almost every weekend and started smoking cannabis.went from a top class student to not giving a **** in no time at all.i realized in school, that school is only there to teach you about order , taking orders and such , and that , in order to progress , you had to take orders and remember things, nothing got to do with intelligence , nothing to do with understanding , nothing to prepare you for real life. got fed up with school , and moved back to town at 17 ,through them years i had constant arguing with my mother over school , smoking cannabis and drinking.i got kicked out of my own house to which i moved to my own place.next year or so i tried going back to school but my feelings about it were stronger , i didnt want to be there. i had jobs here and there doing different things, bar work, retail etc..still didnt want to be in any of them places.when i get the money i just want to spend it , not for a buzz or the sake of spending it .i just dont even care about money and prefer to have myself some weed than anything.between 16 - 21 i went through alot of different "party drugs" so to speak, until i met a good girl , i stopped and for 2 years spent them with her ,she broke my heart after i broke hers, i went back to taking drugs, bit of speed, bit of **** ,few e's ,mdma, ketamin ,drinking excessivly .sometimes i woke up and just smoked weed or done a line of something rather than eat.went through a few meaningless flings , with girls which made me feel empty.got sick of it all one day and stopped.got back into my mothers house again, few more weeks of arguing until i left ,went to england working for 6 months , smoked a lot of weed ,drank alot .came back because one of my best friends died from an overdose and my best mate ended up in jail in venezuela.back into the mothers to constant arguing over stupid things.she always looks for something to winge or argue about and i just have a thing about me because of being bullied when i was younger, that if someone attacks me , i attack back. verbally mostly.physically with a man , if he hits me first.would never put a finger on a woman.so i went to england again for a month , my cousin helped me out with a job, promising me a job 3 months after that 1 month , permanently , but now my cousin wont write back , so thats gone. im now everyday thinking about what the **** i can do with myself ,where can i go, what can i do .because i am not like everybody else , because i am not "normal" ie im not the same as people that copy others which then becomes main stream, because of this , i am not accpeted in this house , im not accepted among my friends anymore , i literally talk to one friend.everybody thinks im mad when im not, i cant stand it anymore .i am lonely ,alone , i cannot trust anybody ,i can barely live day to day . i am certainly NOT suicidal.im just alone , depressed ,i feel like the world is against me .