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im a girl in need of complete desperate help. if you dont want to read about someone's life story then you should stop now. all i really want is someone to care about me; someone to tell me there's still some hope. when i was 12 my brother was sent to he hospital for a mental disorder. i seriously don't understand how i was able to cope with that back then cause i was so young. he got out after a month but every year he managed to go back in. last year he went back in and came out.. he was so much better. he's  completely normal now but he got into religion. all he does now is pray.he sits in his room and pray. it came to the point where if i said accidently cursed or said that i hated something, (eg: i hate rain) he'd start lecturing/shouting at me saying how i'd go to hell for thinking such thoughts. i understand that cursing is bad but sometimes words just slip. now i barely talk to him.. cause he manages to find something wrong with everything i say. i dont think my parents love me that much. one day me and my brother got into a fight and my dad defended me and my mom defended my brother. later that night i heard my mom and dad were discussing the fight and then my mom was like "you shouldnt be on her side! he's your first born son!" i was later called down that night and my dad said.. " i love you very very much.. but i will always love your brother more because he was my first born son." i cannot even tell you how  much it hurt me when i heard he said that. i don't know if my brother heard that conversation but the next day i sassed my brother and to get back at me he said "i hope you know that mom and dad love me more.. i was born first." the first time it hurt but now it hurt even mroe because it felt like they were all rubbing it in my face. children you be equally loved, not chosen to be loved based to who was born first! it made me feel like no one want me in the family and if i wasnt even born.. they would be fine with it. then theres my mom. my mom is such a hard worker and i respect her for that. but she also mentally abuses me and my brother. everyday for the past two years my mom has found  a way to add my weight into the conversation. i immediately became self conscious about my weight. i tired starving myself. i tired going to diets. i tried working out. nothings worked.. every time i loose some weight my mom trys oushing it even further and starts cutting off meals causing me to get hungry later and binge then. its even came to the put where she dragged me to the gym one day and began publicly shouting about how overweight and unappreciative i was. everybody stared at us and some people even had were giving her looks but she doesnt care.  let me make this clear.. according to ALL my doctors, i am not overweight. furthermore my mom never forgets to tell me how stupid i am. im always compared to everyone else.. even if that person if a fictional character in a movie. i bring decent grades. maybe a C here or there but usually Bs and a few As. my mom even told me that i wasnt going to end up anywhere in life and that id become a homeless person. she never supports me and whenever i bring home a good grade she just shrugs. whenever its a bad grade i usually get smacked. whenever i try talking about my life or my school drama she'l cut me off and says "i dont care, you should focus on your studies more"or "you're going to end up like your brother.." my dad. i used to be so close to my dad. so close. i.. i dont even know what happened. all he does is watch movies downstairs. he even asked me how old i was a few days ago.. he barely knows what goes around the house.i really have no one to turn to.. i cant turn to a friend cause i always think.. what if i trust the wrong person and then they start spreading rumors about me. since i had no where to turn i started cutting 6 months ago, it calms me down. but then after i dont feel very proud. now everything is just going down hill. this week has been an entire roller coaster for me. my best friend and i are in a fight. i cant tell my parents or my brother. lately all ive been thinking about is death. i wouldnt commit suicide. in my religion killing someone, even yourself, is basically automatic hell. but all i think is how disgustingly fat i am or if i hear someone laughing i think if because of me. so i feel trapped. so trapped in my body. i just want my parents to start caring more and opening there eyes a bit more. i wished they showed me there love more. i need advice.. i want help.
    

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3 Answers

+1 vote
Profile Photo by faith ANGEL22K+ (22.4k points)   3 7 36
My dear young lady, let me tell you that you are beautiful .
Stop worrying about what other say and do. what matters is what you feel about yourself. I have read your story and want you to start feeling that you don't have to prove yourself to anyone but yourself. If you feel you have done good at your grades, that's it, you don't need others opinions, it's your life.
I am sure you parents love you just as much as your brother and maybe have said things the wrong way, but you do not have to feel unloved.
If you are in your teens ? there is a lot going on in your life, you are becoming an adult in your mind and you parents are still seeing a child. It is not unusual to have conflicts while an adjustment is happening.
Maybe you mom and dad have problems of their own and don't realize that they are taking their frustration out on you.
You say you need advice well I will always do my best to help, but there are so many reasons to a situation that giving advice is difficult.
What I will say is don't worry to much about what people are saying, concentrate on your life.
You mentioned Drama, is this where you would like to advance in, is it something you enjoy ? if it is work at it, make your own way into being confident and successful. No one else will live you life for you, it's down to you to make something of yourself. Then you may find that others will take more interest in you and what you do.
Please stop the cutting all you will do is make the situation worse. I do understand why you feel this is an outlet, but please find a safer way of expressing you frustration. If you wish to talk more with me I am here for you, I do care about you and I want to see you happy.......Angel Faith
+1 vote
Profile Photo by Santana ANGEL5000+ (5.4k points)   1 3 15
Hi Friend,

Sometimes our families don´t know best. You are at an age now where you depend on your family, but this wont always be the case. Please ensure you make your life the very best it can be, do well at school and pave a path to a better future.

In just a few short years you will be independent and non reliant on your family and you will have a completely different and happier life. I know this thought can be hard to have when you are in the thick of things.

It sounds like your family are going through some issues and unfortunatly you are feeling the brunt of this. Please enure your safety is a priority. If you can find someone to talk to I recommend you do, to go through any king of hard time alone is never easy. Even if this is a teacher.

You can escape and find peace through meditations. This revitalises your mind and keeps you strong and positive, There are many guided meditations on youtube at the moment.

Just remeber that this is the situation you are in now and not forever. You are stronger than you think you are, one day you will rise above it all.

Take care my friend xx
0 votes
Profile Photo by HOPE ANGEL24K (66.2k points)   7 11 38
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us.

The reality is that we are not equal in many different ways. Your brother may get more attention because he needs more, and your parents have limited "resources".

However, I believe that your parents love both of you dearly. They may not express it in the way you want it to. Many parents are NOT good at parenting, and they just don't know what's the best way to make you successful.

Again, this is exactly the reason behind their actions and words - they want to make you successful. They have high expectation because they believe you can get there. They keep comparing the current you to the future successful image of you, so they are getting more negative ...

You are a very intelligent young lady, and I am sure you can understand. Once you can understand their motivation, you would feel better.

Everyone here care about you and would love to talk with you about anything anytime.

Keep positive and take care!

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