I don't know what to do to make things better... please help :(

Question

Starting Uni:
 
I started at UWE Bristol in September 2012. It was okay to start with, the course was good, I was managing to keep up with the work, however i made no friends in a whole 2 months. I didn't get on with my flatmates, and so every day after coming home from uni I would sit alone in my room and eat whatever bit of food I had in my room. I have a problem with anxiety and feeling low (this has been the case for a couple of years now) and eventually in November stopped going into uni full stop.
 
Discovering Depression:
 
Throughout November I got into really bad depression. I felt constantly scared, worthless and depressed. It got to the point where I felt that I didn't even have a purpose anywhere and I was prepared to kill myself. I knew I had to help myself in some way and so emailed my tutor from uni. He told me that there may be a chance I could catch up with work if I tried really hard to get back in and rush through a whole months work. He also advised me to go to the doctors and talk to someone about depression.
 
Finding Help:
 
Of course I didn't want to tell my parents about how I had missed so much university, how bad i was feeling and how I was having the worst time of my life, so I kept it a secret and continued to push through on my own. I tried time and time again to see someone at the clinic, but everytime they said I had to see a Doctor and that I needed to register beforehand. So I attempted to register but they kept telling me I needed certain information that I couldn't get hold of without asking my parents. So I was stuck.
 
Going Home:
 
Going back home for the Christmas holiday was awful. I felt so bad that I'd kept so many secrets from my parents and that I was continuing to lie to them about university. I made an appointment at the surgery at home where I was already registered and spoke to a doctor. She confirmed that I was suffering from depression and said it would be best to put me on anti-depressants. I started to take them straight away, although the doctor said there may not be any effect from them for a few weeks.
Now, before I left uni for the Christmas holiday, I knew I had to somehow get medical evidence to support the fact that I'd missed so much uni, allowing me to still carry on the course the following year. Unfortunately I didn't manage to get that evidence in time and so when I was dropped back off in Bristol after the break, I was devastated.
 
My Boyfriend:
 
Now, while I was home for Christmas something happened which was totally unexpected. I had a friend who I have known since the end of May 2012 and I met him again at the London MCM Expo in October 2012 after talking with him almost every day since July. He's a really amazing guy with a great sense of humour and I cared about him a lot. He even came to the rescue and travelled all the way across london to help me get home when I was stranded at the train station (Meanwhile he left the group of people he was doing a photoshoot for to come help me! I felt so bad *facepalm*).
 I developed feelings for him over the 2 months from 28th October (the day he helped me) to the 28th December.... the day I confessed my feelings for him to a friend and she told him for me, as I wasn't prepared for the, what I thought would be, confused and scared reaction. I was so frightened that once he found out he wouldnt want to stay friends with me and would stop talking to me.
 I couldn't have been more wrong. My friend turned back round to me and told me that he said he felt the exact same way about me and didnt want to tell me for the exact same reasons that I was afraid of myself! So on that day we decided to get together.
 Though I knew it wasn't going to be easy. For one reason - he lives in Torquay, so I knew I wouldn't get to see him a lot. But I was more worried about the second reason......... that I'm 18 and he's 34.
 
2013:
 
I knew that I'd ruined my chances at uni and so i was too afraid and ashamed to even return back to campus. I still havent been into campus since December. By the middle of January I'd taken almost a month worth of anti-depressants, and despite the fact I was still stuck in the same horrible situation at uni, i did feel slightly better, though I think that was also partly from the fact that I knew I would get to see my boyfriend soon. For the rest of January I saw my BF a couple of times and he advised me on what to do next - he suggested i try to get a job, so he helped me write my CV.
It is now March and since the start of February I have been job searching constantly every day, with no luck so far. The problem is I've never worked before and so I have literally no experience to be able to get a job. The one thing that has changed is that I've told my parents that I am really not happy being here at all. I'm miserable and I want to stop. They have said that there is no point continuing at a place that I don't like, so I should keep working until the end of the year and then either leave higher education altogether or transfer to a different uni (Little do they know that I havent done any work since october...)
 
Now:
 
I feel scared. Hopeless. Guilty. Downright depressed again.
 
I don't know what to do at all. I feel like I have so many problems that I need to sort out and it's messing with my head. Every day I'm just crying and I have no idea how to help myself without hurting people. I know that if I tell my parents the truth about everything then they will be so hurt and upset and angry and disappointed. I don't want to do that to them after everything they have done to help me :'( I've tried to do what I thought was best but I just feel like I've screwed up everything and all my feelings from last year are coming back. The only thing keeping me going is my BF and my friend... they seem to be the only two people who understand why things have gotten like this and understand my feelings.
 
To Summarise:
 
I know that was a lot to read so if you didn't bother with it all then I will put the main problems and things that I'm worried about here briefly:
 
- I havent been to uni since December and I havent done any work for uni since October.
 
- I cannot carry on at uni because of my absence and failing to provide medical evidence as to why I have missed so much time.
 
- My parents don't know I've stopped going to uni.
 
- My parents don't know my account is hundreds of pounds overdrawn.
 
- My parents don't know I have a boyfriend who is 34, sixteen years older than me, who I have been down to visit in Torquay and who has come up to Bristol to see me.
 
- My parents don't know I suffer from depression and took anti-depressants for a month and then couldnt carry them on.
 
Please, if you have any advice on what I should do, please help. I am driving myself mad trying not to fall back into the same state I got into last year, but I can feel myself getting worse and worse. I just want to make things better and make it up to my parents for helping me so much in getting to uni, and being there for me for everything else.
 
I feel like a failure in every way. Please help me.

Answer 1

Hi, and thank goodness you had the sense to put that footnote.

 

OK I can see where you're at . and I understand how your feeling trapped, but what I don't understand is why you haven't told your parents all this, the longer you leave things the harder it gets.
The first thing you need to do is contact your parents and tell them you need to talk. You can always pick up on Uni later so don't let that worry you to much, your overdraft is another thing that can be sorted . Your boyfriend is 16 years older , so what if you love each other age is just numbers.

Now for Depression , you need to pay attention to this and get it treated. There are all sorts of reasons for Depression so it need to be dealt with by the doctor.

I think you have got yourself into a state that needs to be stopped right now, tell you parents what you have said on here, let them understand what you are going through before they start jumping up and down because you have left Uni. It may be difficult for you but you cant go on this way. I am here if you would like to talk more with me, I care about you..........Angel Faith

Comments

The reason why I never told my parents about anything was because I knew how much they helped me get to where I was, and I didn't want to let them down or seem ungrateful by saying I wasn't enjoying myself. I thought I could handle it on my own.

I am not sure where my depression comes from. For a while I've always had this unexplained sadness and heartbreak feeling that, up untill it got very bad last november, I've always just ignored. Obviously the things that have happened at uni have made it worse and I've panicked. If I can somehow manage to see a Doctor at this clinic (I will find a way to register one way or another) then I can discuss how I'm feeling again and explain why I didn't carry on the anti-depressants.

I really really want to tell my parents, but after lying so much about how uni has been going, I don't want them to hate me. I hate the fact that I know I'm going to hurt them if i tell them. I know I could've handled everything better than I did do and I'm so mad at myself. I didn't intend for any of this to happen but I still feel extremely guilty and pathetic.

My family has never been one for sharing feelings and emotions and problems with each other, so whenever I've felt bad or upset about something in the past, they've never had to know about it. Although sometimes I wish my family was close like other families are... not once in my entire life have they ever hugged me, or kissed me or even said "Love you". But I love them. I have no idea how to even begin to tell them whats been going on... but all I would want is for them to understand...

---

Listen to me, you are a nice and caring person, don't put yourself down.
 I also come from a family that doesn't know how to show love, but that doesn't mean to say there is no love. I do feel for you, and I can see how you have got into this situation. However you know it cant go on as it is. First get to the doctor, and sort yourself out.
Have you got a family member that could talk to your parents for you and explain. If you go to them and try to explain they may well not understand strait away.
This is a difficult one but they are going to find out and it would be better if a family member who had all the details that you have said on here, I think they will see how difficult it has been for you.
 I wished I could talk to them on your behalf as I know what depression can do. You could right to them and explain , and tell them how you love them and feel that they will be mad at you. I am pretty sure they will understand and want to have you home. This maybe the chance for your parents to show their love for you also. Whatever you decide the longer you leave it the harder it will be to tell them. Don't forget we all make mistakes in our lives and that's how we learn. I would really like to know how you get on and what you decide so please, as I've said message me whenever you want I will answer as soon as I can...Take care and try not to worry to much the worrying may all be unnecessary. Stay strong  you will be OK........Angel Faith

Answer 2

Hi

I am so sorry your university experience has been so awful. It happens. I think almost everyone feels depressed when they first start especially if you do not live close to any friends or family- believe me I have been there. It is a stressful and scary time since it is your introduction to becoming an adult. This is likely the first time you have been on your own, and if you already suffer from anxiety I can see how this would have triggered the depression.

I think part of the problem you have not made any friends is that you have not gotten yourself involved. Volunteer and get involved in some of the organizations on campus. That is the fastest and easiest way to make friends - chances are these people will be interested on some of the same things you are. I truly feel your pain - I did not get along with my roommates in my dorm the first year either. But we worked it out ... It is part of growing up and learning to communicate with people. Don't stress over it. And please do not isolate yourself. This is the last thing you want to do.

You are just going to have to bite the bullet and tell your parents. They may be a upset, but this in no way means you have let them down. They love you (though they do not say it) and like you said they have helped you to get to where you are and so will continue to help you. It is ok to ask for help. We all need help at times. You can pay back your parents by graduating. You also need to do the mature and grown up thing and face your fears. You are going to have to go back to campus and talk to a counselor, the student dean - someone who can help you get back on track. Don't waste your parents' efforts to get you into university go to waste... you will get kicked out of school if you do not explain things. I know this is really really hard and it is easier to just ignore the problem but you cannot ignore this any longer. If you do, you will continue to feel like the world is crashing in on you. You are only 18 ...you have yet so much to live and learn. trust me your parents will understand once you let them know how bad things were and how scared you are of their reaction. If they do get angry, know that it will pass. The important thing here is to deal with the problem.

As for the boyfriend, generally the age difference is not a big deal. However, it sounds like this is YOUR first serious relationship. Plus, the issues you are dealing with now may also cloud your judgment towards him. You are going to have to ask yourself some really hard questions... Why isn't a 34 year old dating someone his age? Do you honestly think he is serious about your relationship? Does he treat you as an equal or is he controlling? Are you with him only because you feel so vulnerable right now and you are looking for some kind of stability? Can you really handle a long-distance relationship? (You do not need to tell me the answer to these if you do not want to... I just want you to think about them) I would not hide the relationship from your parents. Let them advise you and let them meet him. If he truly loves and cares for you, he will meet with your parents and be patient... He will understand and wait until you are feeling better. I am not trying to be harsh... I know he is the one thing keeping you sane, and I in no way mean to imply he does not care for you. I simply want you to contemplate the full ramifications of dating an older man so you can be prepared.

Please stop feeling like a failure... again you are only 18! Part of growing up is experiencing failure. You just got to pick yourself up and get back on track. Things are going to happen in your life - even worse than this- but you just got to remember to focus on a solution not the problem. I think right now you are feeling overwhelmed. It is great that you wrote it all out. Now that you have a list you need to prioritize. You need to break things down so you can tackle them individually. If you try to figure it all out at once, you will go mad. I would suggest the following:

1. Tell your parents about the depression. There is no way around this. Perhaps you can ask a therapist or school counselor to help you break the news. You do not want them finding out the hard way that you have not been to school. Eventually, some formal letter will be sent home. I know you have lied to them but explain to them why you have lied. Explain to them your situation as you have explained it here. Write them a letter if you think it will be easier for you to share, but you need to tell them. You will not be able to move on and feel better until you do. Trust me once you talk with them the guilt will go away, or at the very least be less.

2. Go to the school and explain your situation. Get the medical documentation you need so you can stay in school. It will be worth it.

3. Deal with the issue of the boyfriend.Tell your parents about the boyfriend. Don't give them a further reason to lose trust in you. If you do not feel ashamed of the relationship, you should be able to talk to your parents about it. You need to really ask yourself if you can handle a long-distance relationship with someone nearly twice your age. Bear in mind that the levels of maturity and development are different. I am not saying you should give up on the relationship just be aware of the difficulties so you don't enter it blindly. Otherwise, you are setting yourself up for a world of hurt. Talk to him and tell him your fears and concerns at the age difference. And ask him where he thinks the relationship is going. Be honest with each other.

4. Your account overdrawn is something you need to tell your parents and I don't know if you work, but it may be time to find a job if you don't have one. It is also time to be a little more realistic and mature- if you have no money then I don't think you should be spending money to see a boyfriend who has a full time job. Let him come see you.

5. Listen to your doctors and your therapist. Get checked - you may have a chemical imbalance which can cause depression. Please take your medication, and focus on getting better.

6. Become involved in your school and help others. What helped me get through the first year was knowing that there were others like me who were having trouble with classes, the people they lived with, and who were feeling homesick. It was fun getting together and just trying to find the humor (or lack thereof) in it all. After a while, things settled and we survived. So will you. :)

Good luck and please keep me posted. I am here for you :) BIG HUG

Answer 3

 Firstly, brave you for taking this step to share your problems  

I think you should go back to your GP and explain how you're feeling. If you find antidepressants aren't doing it for you, then I'm sure she can get you referred for counselling. You can probably access counselling services for free via the University too, if NHS proves slow.

As for missing so much uni work ... if you want to, it is possible to stay at university when you haven't gotten off to the best of starts: believe me, I've been there and come out the other side, so wanted to extend a little hope your way! I really understand how daunting it is to physically go and talk to the right people about it, and I don't know if you've maybe arranged a face-to-face meeting with your department already to discuss. But I'm fairly sure that if you go in, explain where you're at, and provide a letter from your GP if they ask for it, you will be able to come to some arrangement. They will easily see you're being genuine and not someone who just partied too hard and couldn't be bothered. If it can reassure you, I was able to get a retrospective concession on a big heap of uni work myself after missing loads (submitted NONE of my third year projects) when my son was born. A friend of mine who had depression was able to get huge extensions on her work, sit her exams later, and was given quite a bit of support in catching up. Don't be shy about asking your GP for a letter either if you need it.  You might find it easier to talk to her on the phone first about it? But please don't worry. She won't say no and make a mess of things for you when you're clearly trying to get the help you need to pick yourself back up.

Glad you have a boyfriend and a friend you can share with and depend on. Please remember they're there for you for a reason: because they believe in you, and love you for the person you are and the great things they see in you. You can't be a failure if you succeed at maintaining relationships with awesome people. As for making heaps of friends at uni ... well, it's not the be-all and end-all some people make it out to be. You have quality; quantity, you can take or leave. But as you get better and feel less anxiety, you might well find you feel more outgoing and confident and ready for new friendships. 

I don't think you should opt for a full-time job unless you're dead set on dropping out this year and starting back in Sept/Oct instead, because without experience and with just A-levels, you probably won't find a job you'd like to stay in long term, which seems a shame. However, maybe some part-time work would be a good excuse to 'force yourself' to get out and about and do something different, little by little, if you think that would be helpful - perhaps tutoring kids in one of your A-level subjects is a good option if you haven't worked before? Would also probably help on the money front.

Now I don't know your parents but chances are if you bite the bullet and tell them you're overdrawn at least, they'll help you fix it - either by loaning you some cash or helping you come up with a scheme. Sometimes it's the parents who are the least lovey-dovey with their children who can be the most awesome with 'practical' problems with this. They might shout or say it's stupid, but long-term it's better you tell them than struggle on alone and have it get worse and worse. As for telling them about your boyfriend ... well either divide and conquer and tell Mum (Dad?) first, or keep just dropping him into conversation when you guys speak, and they will eventually work it out. And in the time it takes them to do so, they'll have time to come to terms with it. Remember that if they helped you a lot to get to uni, they love you very dearly, even if they aren't good at showing it ... and I truly believe they will want you to be happy.

Explaining to them that you have depression might be easier with another supportive person around: a sibling or other relative, maybe? However you do it, it will be a weight off your shoulders if you can find a way to let them know somehow: even if it means sending an email or letter, then waiting for their call. Finally for uni, it will be easier to tell them if you've already made yourself a new action plan of sorts first and checked out with your department what you can do now to get back on track, if that's what you want to do. But I can't push this option enough: your education is important and I just get the feeling you'll be able to do great things with it :)

Take care of yourself and all the very best with this. You'll get your life back on track pet.

~S

PS. It's probably easier to see your GP at home but ... it shouldn't be a problem to register with new GP in Bristol ... any info you need should be obtainable from the surgery where you're registered already. You're over 18 so they should not need anything you have to ask from your parents. Go elsewhere if that surgery make it difficult for you ... plenty more docs in the sea :)

Answer 4

THESE ARE THE 3 POWERFUL PRAYERS EXORCIST USE TO DRIVE OUT EVIL - You Can Use It Too - CatholicShare

https://www.catholicshare.com/these-are-the-3-powerful-prayers-exorcists-use-to-drive-out-evil-you-can-use-it-too/#axzz5aJS8bqNa

1. Anima Christi

Soul of Christ, sanctify me; Body of Christ, save me; Blood of Christ, inebriate me; Water from the side of Christ, wash me; Passion of Christ, strengthen me; O good Jesus, hear me; within Thy wounds, hide me; let me never be separated from Thee; from the evil one, deliver me; at the hour of my death, call me and bid me come to Thee, that with Thy saints, I may praise Thee forever and ever. Amen.

2. Prayer Against Malefice from the Greek Ritual

God, our Lord, King of ages, All-powerful and All-mighty, You Who made everything and Who transform everything simply by Your will. You Who in Babylon changed into dew the flames of the ‘seven-times hotter’ furnace and protected and saved the three holy children. You are the doctor and the physician of our soul. You are the salvation of those who turn to You.

We beseech You to make powerless, banish, and drive out every diabolic power, presence, and machination; every evil influence, malefice, or evil eye and all evil actions aimed against Your servant [name of person/s]. Where there is envy and malice, give us an abundance of goodness, endurance, victory, and charity.

O Lord, You Who love man, we beg You to reach out Your powerful hands and Your most high and mighty arms and send the angel of peace over us, to protect us, body and soul. May he keep at bay and vanquish every evil power, every poison or malice invoked against us by corrupt and envious people.

Then, under the protection of Your authority may we sing, in gratitude, ‘The Lord is my salvation; whom should I fear? I will not fear evil because You are with me, my God, my strength, my powerful Lord, Lord of peace, Father of all ages.”

Yes, Lord our God, be merciful to us, Your image, and save your servant [name of person/s] from every threat or harm from the evil one, and protect him/her by raising him/her above all evil. We ask You this through the intercession of our Most Blessed, glorious Lady, Mary ever Virgin, Mother of God, of the most splendid archangels and all Your saints. Amen!

3. Prayer for Deliverance

My Lord, you are all powerful, you are God, you are Father. We beg you through the intercession and help of the archangels Michael, Raphael and Gabriel, for the deliverance of our brothers and sisters who are enslaved by the evil one. All saints of Heaven, come to our aid.

From anxiety, sadness and obsessions, we beg You. Free us, O Lord. From hatred, fornication, envy, we beg You, Free us, O Lord. From thoughts of jealousy, rage, and death, we beg You, Free us, O Lord. From every thought of suicide and abortion, we beg You, Free us, O Lord. From every form of sinful sexuality, we beg You, Free us, O Lord.

From every division in our family, and every harmful friendship, we beg You, Free us, O Lord. From every sort of spell, malefic, witchcraft, and every form of the occult, we beg You, Free us, O Lord.

Lord, You Who said, “I leave you peace, My peace I give you,” grant that, through the intercession of the Virgin Mary, we may be liberated from every evil spell and enjoy your peace always. In the name of Christ, our Lord. Amen.