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+2 votes
Im scared. I have no one to go to. Everyone in my life would either say it was my hormones, I'm being dramatic and they would even get angry at me. I've been like this for almost two years. I started cutting near the start but made myself stop when someone saw them in p.e and I had to make some stupid excuse. I started again and this time it's worse and I'm more careful not to be caught out. The first time I started was to take all my feelings away. Now I cut because I need to feel something. I'm going completely numb and I don't know why. I don't feel anything anymore only fear and that scares me and makes me cut even more. I've even planned my suicide and I'm going to do it in the summer. It would be more convenient for everyone. It means when people's life's continue after summer holidays they don't have to pretend to care anymore and I'll be completely forgotten about. I started taking pain killers and they help when you take just enough to make everything go fuzzy but still let you be in control. I'm not sure what I'm going to do until summer but there is no way I can tell anyone i my life because they just won't understand. This is my last hope and I hope someone, anyone, is listening. They don't need to help, I just need to know someone has listened. Then I can die happy. Thankyou.
Country: Scotland

17 Answers

+1 vote
Profile Photo by Pares (470 points)   1
Best answer

I'm not going to pretend to know exactly how you feel - I mean, everyone's thoughts and emotions are different, right? But I have some idea. I'm not going to dump the details on you, but I've been some scary places in my head, and the worst part is that I don't know why. But so far, what's keeping me going is that I have some people who I've told about at least some of what's going on. One friend in particular, he was the first I told and he's helped me out of some of my darker moments. He doesn't pretend to understand, and that's okay, because whether or not people understand everything that's going on isn't what's important. What's important is that the people around you - parents, friends - they'll stick by you, and help you however they can.

My particular friend, he's got a knack for saying the right thing at the right time. So I'm going to share the essence of what he said once, in case it helps: "This isn't an inextractable part of you, nor is it your fault, or anything like that. It's just another illness, a ****** up one, true, but an illness. Something you can beat. It's not like people are going to hold sneezing against you when you've got a cold, right?"

Essentially, I want you to know that people are there to talk to. And you never know, if you open up even a little maybe you'll find someone who'll help you float. I mean, read the responses on here. People care, people will listen to you if you need them. If you want to talk to me about anything, go ahead, I'll listen, and I'll help if I can.

I hope you can find the people who'll keep you afloat. If you do, maybe send a response in September, just to let me know? Because I give a ****, really. If you aren't there to drop me a line, you won't be completely forgotten about. I don't know your name or anything, but I'll remember the person who reached out for help on Find Angel.

I hope you find happiness, relief - whichever path.
0 votes
Profile Photo by HOPE ANGEL24K (66k points)   7 11 38

"I'm afraid to tell anyone because I'm a teenager and people will blame my hormones or say I'm being dramatic and probably even be angry at me." You don't need to tell everyone, you just need to tell your parents, and ask for seeing a doctor/professional. They can help you understand what is going on. It maybe hormones, and it maybe not. No matter what's the problem, they are trained to help you.

You are in the right direction for sharing how you feel here. Please don't stop here, keep telling people around you your true feeling, and keep asking for professional help! All you are feeling is temporary. There is a great future waiting for you to explore ...

Please never give up! You are not alone, you can talk with us anytime. Meanwhile, please call the helpline:

Breathing Space (Scotland) at 0800 83 85 97


0 votes
Profile Photo by caple (140 points)   1
hey I will listen to you and try to help you feel something besides fear. I have been in your shoes before. I tried to kill myself three times and got caught all three times. I chose to hang myself. I was picked up by friends and one time my Dad. I could find no reason to live and felt as if I was in everyones way. I always felt like everyone around me was having fun enjoying their lives and I was always on the outside looking in. I found Jesus. And at this point you may think what can he do for me? Well let me tell you he can and does make a difference in life and heart. Can I ask if you have been saved or do you believe in the Lord? Do you know killing yourself is an unforgivable sin? Start reading a Bible and you will find answers. The Lord can put peace in your heart, end your lonliness and bring a smile to your face. You can soon realize there is something bigger and better in the Lord Almighty. I really hope you will take this advice and try picking up a Bible, find a good church and go and listen to what the preacher has to say. It always seemed to me that when I was at my lowest and went to church that the message that day was just what I needed. I also was a cutter. I used razors, glass and broken plastic to cut myself. Now that I have turned my life over to Jesus I have over come that part of my life. Oh don't think I don't still have the scars as a constant reminder of where I was and how far I have come. Trust in God and you will find peace. I will be praying for you to overcome your problems and that the Lord will work on your heart. GOD BLESS!!!
There is no such thing as an unforgivable sin.  That is NOT to say that ending it all is the answer, just that there is nothing in this world which God cannot forgive, providing we realise where we've got it wrong and turn to Him.  We all do wrong things all the time, and God and Jesus, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY LOVE US. If you ask Jesus or God for help from your heart, they will answer you.
0 votes

There is a God how ears you. You don't really want to kill yourself. you do care about yourself you just don't know how to love yourself. but there is a God how loves you. Today is my 1st time ever looking at this site. I want you to find a church and just sit there. let God do the work or watch late night there are churches on channals 40 or something let God guide you. My arms are open given you a big huge. you are loved.heart

+1 vote
Profile Photo by Jones ANGEL14K+ (15.6k points)   3 7 24
i, like others who have replied to you, offer a ear to listen to you, and an outlet for you to reach out no doctor or anything and i dont know any fancy medical clap-trap to explain how youre feeling blah blah, but im sat here waiting for you to email whenever you like.

it may not be pretty and it may not be an overnight thing, but we can be a team and eventually put a smile back on your face. im not going anywhere, so would love to hear back from you and to get to know you a bit.

that's all id like to say for now, but be strong and know youve got some good friends on this site just an email away.
0 votes
It sounds as if you've painted yourself into a very dark corner and although it'll take some effort and some guts to get out of it, you absolutely can. Maybe (first steps) it would be helpful for you to think of how to change your frame of mind. Think of things that you enjoy or have enjoyed in the past; films that made you feel postive emotions; made you laugh or made you excited or inspired ( Some psychologists even prescribe certain feel good films to depressed patients) revisit places that you loved,  look for books that lift you up, music that takes you to a different, lighter place. Seek out friends (perhaps not the obvious ones) who are kind. You could even start collecting ideas or bits of writing or photographs of things that make you feel good and start keeping a journal that you can return to and look at when you're in a bad place.  Maybe you could start a project; take up painting, write a novel, start a website, do something to help others, start ... anything. Although this all might sound a bit simple sometimes we have to look outside of ourselves for hope because our self talk is so dark that we can, when we listen to ourselves, talk ourselves out of feeling hopeful. As a young person you have so much opportunity before you; you can be or do what you like; right now the pages of your future are blank; choose something wonderful to write on them. There are some websites like Rookie Mag, which are especially for young people, there are stories and journal entries to read that are written by young people feeling exactly you do. And don't forget; there is no law that we have to get life just right, there's really no 'they' who expect us to be something we don't want to be. We make it up as we go along, so don't feel that you're failing expectations (your own or others) because in reality nobody really knows how to do life 'right'. You have to choose your own path, the one that's right for you. And please don' t ever think that the loss of you; a totally unique and special being would be 'convenient' for anyone. The very idea is a crime against ... everything.  It's likely that you're loved very much more that you realise, sometimes parents and other people are amazingly **** at showing it. Beauty and wonder and interest and friendship and contentment are out there waiting for you (not all at once and maybe not just yet but they are there) just hang on OK? Do you know that the likelihood of being born and actually existing are practically zero? That makes you very special! Next time you look in the mirror remember that, you are unique and a miracle! ***
0 votes
If we would all listen to each other, no one would get into these lonely places. Listening is so painful that most people run from those in pain, hoping things will fix itself. No one feels they have the answer. If only they knew that "listening" IS the answer. Im listening. Don't give up hope.......someone is listening!
0 votes
hey! please don't carry through with suicide. I have recently lost a really good friend to suicide. She didnt leave a note so none of us can be too sure why she did it. Obviously she was hurting a lot, just like you. BUT please i can assuure you that people care about you. Think about everyone close to you you will be leaving behind. You might not think they care, but they do. If you kill yourself you'll never know. I wish my friend was still here to see how many people are hurting because she isnt here anymore. Talk to someone about how you are feeling. x
0 votes
Hi my friend

You are screaming in silence !!!!

You want help but you don't get it, and I think you suffer of SAD because Scotland is dark and cold even in the summer time.

I think you want to live desperately another life, but stop cutting yourself please you are a girl and scars aren't attractive, I now regret I did it, I would give everthing to go back on time and be able to change my life the way I want it, with no scars with smooth skin, you are only depressed go to see your gp and tell the way you feel, do sport or go to the gym it helps a lot plus give you a nice figure.
0 votes
you are so much stronger than most people. What you are enduring is heroic. We are here not only to support you, but to be inspired by you. We can't tell you to "feel better" or anything that simple-- because what you are going through is more than most people understand. But the fact that you are here, that you are sharing with us, is a sign that you are STRONG. You are a survivor and a force to be reckoned with. You walk through a dark valley, but you are never alone. We are with you, we have your back. Thank you for sharing and thank you for trusting and inspiring us. I am very proud of you-- you are a testament to the great strength of this species. Keep going. One foot in front of the other, that is all you need to worry about for now.
Pray to Jesus to give you strength thru this. Pray to the Virgin Mary, she is mother to us all. Tomorrow may be the best day of your life you don't know Gods plan for you. Stop taking so many pills. Volunteer take walks read the bible You can do this. God bless you get counseling if you need it. I am praying for you
0 votes
I cant pretend to know how you feel as everyone is different, but I do know the despair of feeling alone, even when I am surrounded by people.

I have everything but at times feel I have nothing, when I lost my daughter Morag I lost my soul, but life goes on. I beleive  what is meant for me will not go past me - so all the trials and tribulations that life thrusts at me are for a purpose, what can I say - you are loved and will be loved because life is meant to be about us, about caring, living and loving. As a fellow human being I LOVE YOU
0 votes
You are a miracle of life , find a way to teach yourself how to live this life take a few moments everyday to look at the simple and beautiful things around and remind yourself that you are one of these wonderful and beautiful things . step by step believe in youself
0 votes
Profile Photo by Pearson (180 points)  
I'm 17 years old and I too have had suicidal thoughts in the past, I overcame these with having very good friends and I tell you now I am so glad that I never went through with it.  Everyone says that 'life is hard' or just to 'grow up' but really we do get emotional and doubt ourselves at times, the way I look at things is that however bad we feel at this time.... good things are totally bound to follow! things will get so much better :)
0 votes
Profile Photo by robison (140 points)   1
i know this is a little late but look i went thru the same thin i have scares up and down my arms and legs i have them on my chest! my girlfriend left me last week and i wanted to start cutting again but how i see it you only have one reason to cut...... you dont know how to voices it. i did not know how to do it myself but as i talked to people about my past and the things i have done i come to find out that there are people who care and will listen to you. i am one of those people talk to me tell me all about it let it all out please i am here for you
0 votes
I just wanted to simply let you know that someone is listening to you way across the ocean in the USA. You're not alone and You're worth fighting for!! Never give up... Whatever it takes... I believe in your ability to heal and find some sort of peace with yourself and in yourself. Positive thoughts and Prayers being sent your way!!
0 votes
Profile Photo by M-C ANGEL2000+ (2.2k points)   1 3 14
You survived 3 the 3 times that you tried to die. You know what that is saying to me? God wants you to live! He won't let you leave this world. Enough said.
0 votes
Dear to whom it concerns suicide is a mess that others have to clean up in which is generally the people we love. When you think of suicide remember this and it should be of help to not do it. However it is all up to you no one else. But really think whether it is what you want. It is also is a sin in Gods eyes. So yeah life might get hard here but would be worse in hell. Try thinking of these and hopefully then you will see that suicide is not the answer. Try looking at all the good in your life even in a bad situation. As seek and you shall find. I also prayed that you gain all you need so have faith and it will be so.
From a friend.

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