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+1 vote
I guess this mess started when I moved out with my boyfriend. I got really depressed because a coworker of mine called me wide load. I'm so quite and shy. It hurt me real bad cause I lost 65 pounds in the past two years. I worked really hard but I started working a lot and didn't have the energy to exercise. I still ate my vegaterian diet but in a few months gained most back. I have anorexia and don't eat. Why am I so fat?
I cried for two days after he said that. I drank a lot and after a failed suicide attempt, admitted myself into the hospital. A few days after I got out, my grandmother pasted away from lung cancer. I started abusing pills again and quit my job. We are broke now. can't afford to eat, get my prescriptions, see a docter, or pay bills.
I started making stuffed animal MLP's and work really hard on them. I make them by hand cause I can't afford a machine. I hoped to sell them or keep them if I loved them. No one will buy them. I look at others work and I'm so sad I can't do the same thing? I tried to buy one but she wanted too much for her. I just want a pony of my own. They make me happy.
Then I rescued two baby bunnies I found that nest got destroyed by my boyfriends dog. She got one and swallowed the poor thing whole. I watched in terror. I blame myself for not saving that bunny. I tried to save the other two. I sang to them, fed them, and even tried to take them to the Humane Society. They wouldn't take them. The next day, they died. I blame myself.
At this point, I've was off my meds cause I couldn't afford them. I couldn't sleep without my insomnia meds for 2 weeks, didn't have my depression meds, or my hormone inbalance meds. I started to get dizzy cause the lack of sleep and not eating. Blackouts, crazy thoughts, hallucinating and fainting. I was done. I wrote my note and said my goodbyes. I climbed on the chair, had the rope around my neck, then I just really thought about what I was doing. I got down and called a talk hotline.
That same day, my sister calls me and tells me our dad has esophageal cancer. It didn't hit me until two days later that he might die.That he was going to suffer. That my our mom would be all alone. I started to cry. I prayed for the first time in over 18 years. Please don't let him suffer. Please Don't leave my mom all alone.
I love my dad. we had are problems in the past, mostly due to his drinking, but he was a wonderful provider and worked his fingers to the bone. He is also very kind and gentle, underneath his hard exterior.
I'm finally back on my meds and saw a docter. My sister is due anyday now and is having a baby girl. I know now I have to be there for them. I'm just confused, scared, and lonely. I don't want to kill myself but I already feel dead. I'm dieing inside. What do I do?
Country: united states

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4 Answers

+1 vote

Hi you sound like a nice caring young lady, you have been through alot in life as have I and thought I might be able to offer some help.

Firstly I would just keep going forward like you have been you did great not doing it and called the talk hotline and going to the hospital. So please keep going forward in life dont look back, your on the road of recovery you have chosen the good path to go forward and getting off the bad path. You need to take little steps off the bad path like pills any drugs seek help there go without if you can or get help sooner than latter.

I hope your Dad is ok I don't know what sort of cancer he has but any cancer isn't good I would take natural remedies like papaya you can buy a plant and eat the leaves drie them out and make tea. You can eat the fruit and the seeds. and coconut oil is also very good for alot of things. Your dad needs you, there are other natural alternatives and medication these days I think there very close to a cure. 


When you said you made stuffed animals it reminded me of the joy that I got when my sister who made me a toy it was a penguin it was a beautiful gift she was in hospital and made different stuffed animals for all of her younger siblings as it turned out we had a family friend and it was his birthday and we had no present to give so I offered up the best present my pengiun the funny thing was I didnt get to go to the party my little sister and older brother got to go, I am sure he would have loved that pengiun.

If you havn't got any medication I know some natural alternatives 1 Deppression - Lavender essential oil one drop on a cotton ball to place in your pillow or smell/inhale oil from the cotton ball when needed. or some lavender flowers out of someones garden just 2-4 wrapped in a hankie or in your pillow, Rose Geranium essential oil is also good for depression and balances mood swings, eases pmt, insect repellent it is good for alot of different things.   

I just had an idea for you and your creative skills enlightened you could make penguins with a heart on there chest with a mesh over the heart so people could place a couple of drops of there own essential oils for deppression or breathing or other needs I think they might sell. small enough for a key ring or to place in handbag and larger ones for children to cuddle and big kids at heart like alot of us. lets face it who doesn't have a cute teddy bear on there bed.

Dont feel bad about the dog eating the rabbit that happens alot I had a dog that eat our rabbit in the house.

So try not to worry about the past yesterday and think about today and your future with your friends and family and new friends and new family.

So start a new chapter in your life and call it  ( GOING FORWARD )

Hope all goes good for you.

from someone that cares.angel

If you want to talk about any problems I am here to listen.

Here are some contacts from the Revival Fellowship

Fresno US Pastor David Elliott (559)301-9957 for prayer

Athens US John Lawson (706) 783-3868 for prayer

San Pedro US James Seixas (310)519-7560 for prayer

Just let me know if you want me to have some prayer for you.

thank you. Things are getting better. The caner my dad has is esphogus. It didn't spread so that's good news. I'm not sure if I can make a penguin but I can make a pony with scents. Thanks for the idea and the support. Best wishes.
0 votes
Hi there.


I'm sorry your co-worker's words had such a negative effect on you.  That was a terribly cruel thing for her to say.  Obviously I don't know how much you weigh or what size you are, but I can promise you there is a world of people who find bigger women (and men) beautiful and sexy.  We don't experience this opinion much in day-to-day life because we mostly only hear about celebrities or models and the like, and the media portrays any weight gain of theirs as terrible.  (Online you will find many people who express being more attracted to these A and B-listers when they have more weight on them.)  A lot of women believe they need to put down bigger ladies because it's all we ever see and hear; the attitude is, unfortunately, ingrained in them.  It tends to make them feel better about themselves, or else they're vying for attention or laughter and believe the only way to receive it is to be mean.  It's pitiful and one day they'll likely learn this.  In the mean-time, most have little or no idea how much their words hurt the people they're spoken about.  To anyone without a mind clouded by judgement, your extra weight does not make you ugly.


I have to advise an increase in exercise if you do want to lose weight again.  Not eating is often not enough - please don't think it's only you who has this problem and therefore there must be something wrong with you.  It's not and there isn't.  I read an article once about how anorexia can actually prevent people from losing weight, but I can't recall the reasons listed.  I do, however, remember a Psychology class which discussed the need for exercise in weight loss; how we should actually begin exercising at least two weeks before we begin dieting.   I know you mentioned being too tired to exercise because of work, but perhaps you could start again if you're no longer in employment?  There are plenty of individual activities and also regimes for you to do at home if you're too embarrassed to exercise in public at the moment.  Don't forget, exercise also releases endorphins in your body, which may help to restore some of the hormone balance in your brain and hopefully make you feel a little more positive.  Endorphins are also released due to love and orgasms; our brain needs such neurotransmitters in order to keep a healthy mental balance.


Do you have a passion for MLP in general or only the stuffies?  A family member of mine actually decorates pony dolls as the My Little Ponies and either sells them or does "swaps", meaning they send their work to a fellow artist and receive a doll in return.  This could be something to consider for both financial and personal reasons.  If you could paint the figures well enough to sell, you'd earn a little money and could start to swap for free.


That said, I understand that it must feel awful not to have succeeded in selling your work so far.  When we create something and it goes un-appreciated, it can be heartbreaking.  However, it can takes years for people to hone a craft.  One day you might be considered one of the internet's best MLP stuffed animals maker, but for now it's either something you must keep practising or something to give up.  The person whose MLP you wanted may have been at her work for years, or may be lucky enough to have a very natural talent.  What counts with you is your passion.  You had the courage and conviction to try something despite not having much experience or the best materials.  If you keep going, it shows your determination.  If you stop, that's all right, too, because I imagine it would only mean you'd try to find something else you can do, which demonstrates a range of interest and an ability to be versatile.


As for the rabbits, you did everything you could.  It can take just one bite for a dog to end a rabbit's life (even if their death comes later); they were - unfortunately - lost before you had a chance to even try.  You mustn't blame yourself for something out of your control.  You acted in a very caring and compassionate way; in a way most people wouldn't.  I know it must've been very hard to witness and then to deal with their deaths after believing they might have a chance, but you have to try and put it behind you now.  Like the person before me said, dogs biting or eating smaller animals is quite a common occurrence and it isn't something we should put upon ourselves.  Again, you did your very best; much more than most would.  You weren't expecting your boyfriend's dog to hurt them, and it isn't your fault the Humane Society wouldn't take them afterwards.


It sounds like you're trying to get yourself back on track.  You stepped down from the chair and sought temporary help.  You chose not to die.  You still had fight left in you, and that's wonderful.  Outside of the battle going on in your mind, you're about to face many ups and downs.  The birth of your niece could be life-changing.  I have a niece of my own and she's the brightest ray - ball - of sunshine ever to bless my life.  If anything could save me, she could, without even knowing it.  Children somehow have the power to bring us happiness and hope in our darkest of moments.  I'm not claiming this will definitely be the case for you, but you may find it so.  Just...look out for it.  Leave your heart open to her and see what happens.


On the other side, there's your father's cancer.  I can't imagine being faced with the possibility of soon (a lot sooner than expected) losing a parent you're close to.  I don't want to lie by telling you the survival rates are fantastic, but we know treatment for symptoms nowadays is much better than it used to be.  I'm sure your dad will receive the best available health care from his doctors and they will do everything possible to ease any pain.


I hate to say this, because it seems like a very strange offering of consolation, but couples rarely die together; one half is always like to pass before the other.  It's extremely difficult to think about, even without the possible reality of it being near.  We must consider the support the living parent would receive from friends and family, and how these days there are support groups for people going through similar experiences, as well as one-on-one grief counselling for those finding it particularly difficult to cope.  Your mother, although she might feel it much of the time, would not truly be alone.  She would find comfort.


Please re-consider whether you feel dead inside.  To be dead is to not exist; to be nothing - but I hear so much emotion behind your words and experiences.  I also hear the same fight in you that made you step down from the chair and pick up the phone.  By posting here, you're asking for help the way you did then.  I hope that means you want the help, which in turn means you want to live.  You still have at least a little hope and determination inside of you, which to me means you're very much alive inside there, even if sometimes you feel blank.  (The empty feeling is one of our mind's defence mechanisms to prevent us from feeling too overwhelmed with emotion.)
Thank you so much for your comment. Your words are amazing and really made me feel better.
My weight has always been an issue. I'm learning to deal with it. I feel dizzy if I don't eat but sick when I do. Can't win, lol.
My dads cancer didn't spread to anywhere else in his body and he is getting chemotherapy soon. I'm coming to terms with the whole thing.It was just such a shock.
My sister had her baby girl yesterday. She had to have an emergency c section. her and her baby are fine now.
Thank you again for your kind words and because of them I am stronger now.
0 votes

yesGlad you did not kill yourself for that would be a waste of a lovely person. I to have had suicidal tendencies in the past and I regret every minute of them. What helped me to not be suicidal anymore is the knowledge of knowing that suide is a selfish way to be. For yeah you fix youself but it's what you leave behind that has to suffer and lets face it who would want to make others suffer. Also God is a fantastic listener and can work miracles. If you need something ask him through his son Jesus Christ.

I wish the best for you

from your new friend Beccheart

0 votes
Profile Photo by dolphin007 ANGEL24K (309k points)   7 7 12

1. Anima Christi

Soul of Christ, sanctify me; Body of Christ, save me; Blood of Christ, inebriate me; Water from the side of Christ, wash me; Passion of Christ, strengthen me; O good Jesus, hear me; within Thy wounds, hide me; let me never be separated from Thee; from the evil one, deliver me; at the hour of my death, call me and bid me come to Thee, that with Thy saints, I may praise Thee forever and ever. Amen.

2. Prayer Against Malefice from the Greek Ritual

God, our Lord, King of ages, All-powerful and All-mighty, You Who made everything and Who transform everything simply by Your will. You Who in Babylon changed into dew the flames of the ‘seven-times hotter’ furnace and protected and saved the three holy children. You are the doctor and the physician of our soul. You are the salvation of those who turn to You.

We beseech You to make powerless, banish, and drive out every diabolic power, presence, and machination; every evil influence, malefice, or evil eye and all evil actions aimed against Your servant [name of person/s]. Where there is envy and malice, give us an abundance of goodness, endurance, victory, and charity.

O Lord, You Who love man, we beg You to reach out Your powerful hands and Your most high and mighty arms and send the angel of peace over us, to protect us, body and soul. May he keep at bay and vanquish every evil power, every poison or malice invoked against us by corrupt and envious people.

Then, under the protection of Your authority may we sing, in gratitude, ‘The Lord is my salvation; whom should I fear? I will not fear evil because You are with me, my God, my strength, my powerful Lord, Lord of peace, Father of all ages.”

Yes, Lord our God, be merciful to us, Your image, and save your servant [name of person/s] from every threat or harm from the evil one, and protect him/her by raising him/her above all evil. We ask You this through the intercession of our Most Blessed, glorious Lady, Mary ever Virgin, Mother of God, of the most splendid archangels and all Your saints. Amen!

3. Prayer for Deliverance

My Lord, you are all powerful, you are God, you are Father. We beg you through the intercession and help of the archangels Michael, Raphael and Gabriel, for the deliverance of our brothers and sisters who are enslaved by the evil one. All saints of Heaven, come to our aid.

From anxiety, sadness and obsessions, we beg You. Free us, O Lord. From hatred, fornication, envy, we beg You, Free us, O Lord. From thoughts of jealousy, rage, and death, we beg You, Free us, O Lord. From every thought of suicide and abortion, we beg You, Free us, O Lord. From every form of sinful sexuality, we beg You, Free us, O Lord.

From every division in our family, and every harmful friendship, we beg You, Free us, O Lord. From every sort of spell, malefic, witchcraft, and every form of the occult, we beg You, Free us, O Lord.

Lord, You Who said, “I leave you peace, My peace I give you,” grant that, through the intercession of the Virgin Mary, we may be liberated from every evil spell and enjoy your peace always. In the name of Christ, our Lord. Amen.

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