Just 2 little cuts
I need help all you do yell at me you never tell me good job or good for you. For the first time in my life I actually thought of suicide. While I was in the shower with all my problems “just 2 little cut on my wrist and everything will go away, it will just all stop” , the only person I could think of to make me stop this idea was dad. Only cause when I talk to him about stuff I feel like he’s the only one that will understand me. If pressure was an object you could see, you all would be able to see how its all crushing me. I can’t take any more, its just too much. You think your doing the right thing but your just making things worse for me, I can’t be the perfect daughter you want, even when I try I’m still not good enough. Nana tried helping but she just said she’ll talk to you which i don’t want her to do because then you will just want to talk to me and you are definitely the last person I would want to talk to. I act strong and I know I’m not, I know I don’t have the muscle and what you call “being a porter and ******* it up” isn’t right, thats just bottling up my feeling which helps in no way whatsoever. I’m in tears but you taught me to be too tough so I try to stop when I know that doesn’t help. I’m not a porter, I’m a maskell and I’m proud. but you make me want to hide that, you want me to be tougher, to be smarter, to be...perfect. another thing it that everytime I try to do something I like and you might not like then you bring me down with the idea you tell me all the negative things, you never support me if you don’t like the idea, I feel like even when I’m down you just try your best to make thing worse or make me feel worse about something. You never give me the brake I really need. Now I’m just excited to move out, because I know I hate you and that you ARE the bad guy. You see me crying here and what do you do you yell at me, give me the point that you're disappointed in me. Just because I’m the youngest and you're most likely last child doesn’t mean you can put loads of pressure on me to not mess up. Every time you yell at me I feel like just giving up and forgetting about it will make it all go away and stop but I know it doesn’t it just makes things ten times worse, the only thing I really wish is that for you to see thing my way, but you never do and when we “talk” you don’t listen you keep your opinion to yourself and never agree with me whatever I tell you goes in one ear and right out the other. I don’t know how dad can stand you but I know for sure that fifteen years with you is enough for me. I’m still sitting here trying to think of something to help me but everything I think of I know just how avoid it. Like going to a teacher nope the first few things I said they would just have to call you or talk to someone else and say I have a “problem”. But I just want to talk to someone who will help me without going to you and without going to someone else. I say i want to go home when I’m out just because it supposed to be my safe place but with you there I never feel safe or open. Just 2 little cuts thats all it takes...I’m hurting so much and no one see it or they don’t care enough to do anything, I put a smile on my face so no one knows how much I’m hurting, I feel like no one really knows me and every time I meet someone who might I never get to talk or see them for a long time. I never really happy anymore, I’m just sixteen...I’m just a kid I can’t keep up anymore. I want someone to read this so they know what’s bothering me and won’t have to ask questions but like I said there is no one I can trust to give this to, just 2 little cuts on my wrist and its all gone, its all over, no more crying for me, no more pressure, I won’t have to try to be perfect for anyone but myself anymore.