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Just 2 little cuts
I need help all you do yell at me you never tell me good job or good for you. For the first time in my life I actually thought of suicide. While I was in the shower with all my problems “just 2 little cut on my wrist and everything will go away, it will just all stop” , the only person I could think of to make me stop this idea was dad. Only cause when I talk to him about stuff I feel like he’s the only one that will understand me. If pressure was an object you could see, you all would be able to see how its all crushing me. I can’t take any more, its just too much. You think your doing the right thing but your just making things worse for me, I can’t be the perfect daughter you want, even when I try I’m still not good enough. Nana tried helping but she just said she’ll talk to you which i don’t want her to do because then you will just want to talk to me and you are definitely the last person I would want to talk to. I act  strong and I know I’m not, I know I don’t have the muscle  and what you call “being a porter and ******* it up” isn’t right, thats just bottling up my feeling which helps in no way whatsoever. I’m in tears but you taught me to be too tough so I try to stop when I know that doesn’t help. I’m not a porter, I’m a maskell and I’m proud. but you make me want to hide that, you want me to be tougher, to be smarter, to be...perfect. another thing it that everytime I try to do something I like and you might not like then you bring me down with the idea you tell me all the negative things, you never support me if you don’t like the idea, I feel like even when I’m down you just try your best to make thing worse or make me feel worse about something. You never give me the brake I really need. Now I’m just excited to move out, because I know I hate you and that you ARE the bad guy. You see me crying here and what do you do you yell at me, give me the point that you're disappointed in me. Just because I’m the youngest and you're most likely last child doesn’t mean you can put loads of pressure on me to not mess up. Every time you yell at me I feel like just giving up and forgetting about it will make it all go away and stop but I know it doesn’t it just makes things ten times worse, the only thing I really wish is that for you to see thing my way, but you never do and when we “talk” you don’t listen you keep your opinion to yourself and never agree with me whatever I tell you goes in one ear and right out the other. I don’t know how dad can stand you but I know for sure that fifteen years with you is enough for me. I’m still sitting here trying to think of something to help me but everything I think of I know just how avoid it. Like going to a teacher nope the first few things I said they would just have to call you or talk to someone else and say I have a “problem”. But I just want to talk to someone who will help me without going to you and without going to someone else. I say i want to go home when I’m out just because it supposed to be my safe place but with you there I never feel safe or open. Just 2 little cuts thats all it takes...I’m hurting so much and no one see it or they don’t care enough to do anything, I put a smile on my face so no one knows how much I’m hurting, I feel like no one really knows me and every time I meet someone who might I never get to talk or see them for a long time. I never really happy anymore, I’m just sixteen...I’m just a kid I can’t keep up anymore. I want someone to read this so they know what’s bothering me and won’t have to ask questions but like I said there is no one I can trust to give this to, just 2 little cuts on my wrist and its all gone, its all over, no more crying for me, no more pressure, I won’t have to try to be perfect for anyone but myself anymore.
Country: United States
    

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3 Answers

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expectations create the biggest hurdles in life. usually what we expect of ourself is the tallest hurdle to jump. Nobody is perfect nor are they ever going to be. The best you can do is love and give that love to others. And love yourself. you sound very emotionally advanced and sometimes feeling so many emotions and so intensely- is overwhelming. its s gift. sometimes a hard burden to bear but when u see it help someone else- its worth it.

Also there is a weekly advice column that always helps me when i feel hopeless. www.astroanne.com

Hang in there, its the hardest things in life that make the best learning experiences, you can get thru this and be smarter, happier, and feel more loved- changing how you feel starts with changing how you think. instead of thinking about how much hurt or hopeless you feel, trying instead thinking of what you could learn from this feeling that will change you for the better.
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For what this may be worth. You are a deeply wounded person who needs love and affirmation and care. Getting away from emotional abuse and neglect is likely a wise step in my opinion if you've tried so long looking for someone who believes in you and builds you up only to shot down all the time. You are unique, special, sensitive, and deserve the best. To be loved, affirmed, cherished and encouraged. O don't know you and my pain isn't the same as yours. But I do understand how you feel and how the cry comes out for someone to be that kind, gentle, steady supportive person for you. There are people out there who do care. The important thing now is not to quit trying. You're worth so much. It would be difficult to re-program 16 years of criticism and rejection. But you are so worth the time and effort to have happier and better things happen in your life. Please don't make the misake of going to everyone with your heart on your sleeve looking for affection. A QUALITY person is worth taking time to shop for. Ultimately, people let us down since no one human being can provide for all our needs. But God can. I'm not preaching, I'm just relating from my experience, simply, what helped me. It's a constant process everyday and not always with big victories. But you CAN be happier and I'll be praying for you. Please take the time and make the effort and reach out for help because you're worth it and there are people people out there who DO care. You have the right, as a human being, to be happy, set goals for yourself, relate happily with other people, and feel proud of yourself. The first step is to get the help and support you need to begin building a more positive life. Think of a sunrise that progressively gets brighter. And please don't give up- you're WORTH it!!
+1 vote
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sweet Jesus, i do not even know what anyone could say or write to you that would begin to help you. i think and am not quite sure, that he is sexually abusing you. if i have this wrong please forgive me. if he is not sexually abusing u something is going on that is causing you so much pain, so much confusion and hurt that you don t even know what or if or how. i want to help you. i am a straight woman, but i want to hold u and rock  the pain away for you. you need to be held and loved in a non sexual way. you need to communicate with a professional for many hours, to talk about anything rally, but mostly to address the hurt and anger. i do hope u know that children and young poeple are meant to be loved and nurtured and prepared to take on the life of a productive adult. you have been robbed of your childhood and your young womanhood. these are the days you should be starting to feel your body changing, your hormones and other chenicals working magic on your body and start the change into the person u will become. with help, which u must get, you can still have a growing up time. about the 2 little cuts.......no way dear, i spent a couple of hours when i was 20 cutting my wrists...i was cutting and looking in at bone, the doctor laughed at me and said i was going about it all wrong. i will make a leap here and say that someone loves you, someone would be crushed without you,  please think of other options to fix your problems.its sounds like you have been dealt a really rotten hand, and its unfortunate that innocents must suffer, i will never understand it. the thing is though, you have no idea what ur future holds, a wonderful spouse, kids if you want, perhaps a career in something u love doing. give yourself a chance. make a list of things that need to be done to get u away from him.i wish i were there, wish i had money to send you, but i will think of you and pray for you. please p;ease find strength. with love.

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