Where are all the others over 40 like me?

Question

This is a very rough time for me. I'm 42, I've never been married and have no kids. Everyone in my family is married with kids - it's a very uncomfortable boat to be in. I happen to be the youngest of four and my siblings are a lot older than me. I feel like people don't respect me now because I am not like them in their boat. I can't stand going to family parties because it reminds me of what I do not have. I also feel like people view me as a child because I don't have these things. I know there are people out there like me, but they are far and few between, definitely not in my family where everything is about family and kids.

My siblings have never really been a friend to me but more like parental figures. I think it would have been a good thing if I would have had children early on so things would be "leveled out" in some respect - that would have been good for me. My mother never encouraged me to...she should have been thinking of that for me...thinking ahead. I take responsibility, but somehow I think she should have been looking out for me that way...But, now we'll never see eye to eye - they'll NEVER treat me as an equal.

I'm stuck in the world of dating (actually there is no dating anymore) at this age and cannot stand it anymore. I have tried and tried to put myself out there...online dating is a joke and has been a big waste of time for me. I try to introduce myself to people and I have a good personality and everything...easy to talk to  but......????

I just can't take this anymore - I feel like things are closing in on me. I also don't have a great career that occupies my time. If I had that it would at least be a good thing under my belt. I just have a job that gets me by. I know there are worse things in life, but not being able to afford to have a child on my own is daunting. Being I haven't "met the right person" this could have been an option, but I could never afford it. I've always wanted to get married and have a child.

I'm worn out...depleted...I'm more than happy to share my dating tribulations and trials with people and admit that I don't like being alone but I don't need dating advice - I've been out there and I'm worn out and turned off!!!

I need HELP for this very uncomfortable, painful time and situation!

Answer 1

Hi anonymous!

It sounds like this is a very unhappy and exhausting time for you.  You're dream is to be married and have children, but it hasn't been working out as you'd hoped.  I'm glad that you are brave enough to talk about what is going on in your life, and I'll try to help in any way that I can. 

It is important to remember that our lives are not all the same--different people have different jobs, views, personalities, and plans.  A lot of the time, we wish that we could have someone else's life in place of ours.  When things don't go according to plan, it can be rather saddening and make us feel like giving up.  Although your siblings and other family members may try to influence you that we are supposed to all follow the same timeline, it doesn't always happen that way.

Although it may not seem like it now, this is the fun part of being an individual.  Being who we are means that we are like no one other person in the entire world.  Therefore, you have a special plan, another life ahead of you, that is not like your family or friends.

To be honest, although it may not be appealing to hear, these things take time.  And the bad part of that is we don't know exactly when they will happen!  You are trying your best in your life, and that's the most you can do.  A lot of life consists of waiting, although it's not very fun to experience.

But there are benefits!  When you do meet the person you will marry, you will get to fall in love.  You'll be able to feel yourself developing each emotion.  A lot of people wish they could fall in love with that person all over again, and you will have the chance to do it for the first time!  No doubt, your siblings will then be thinking that the grass is greener on your side rather than there's.  It's all a matter of perspective.  A lot of the time, we feel like the odd man out.  But there is always a time that comes for us to experience and indulge in new things!

You sound as though you don't like your job very much.  Are there other jobs in the area that you may like better?  It's important for us to feel happy in our lives--jobs being a big part of it.  You should be able to work in an environment that you enjoy.  Maybe taking on a new work place might be better for you.  You might find yourself happier, and it's even an opportunity to meet new people, make new friends, and maybe even find some dates!

Right now, all you can do is keep living.  Live for you!  What sort of things do you like to do?  Where have you always wanted to go?  Maybe you can take a trip or get away for a while.  Just have a time to think about yourself.  You should be happy, you deserve to be happy.   Try doing some things that you like, and indulge in a new journey of finding yourself.

Also, it's important to remember that God and Jesus will always love you.  They have a magnificent plan for your life, although it may not seem like it right now.  You are very important to them, and they'll be looking out for you.

You'll be in my prayers.  I'll bet you'll met "the one" soon!  

God Bless!

-Sivs

 

 

Answer 2

hi

it is a sad situation where we feel these things due to the pressures and expectations of society - WHAT? you're over 40? notmarried? no kids?!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! This is a crazy world we live in where youre judged on what is "normal" and whoever doesnt fit into the mould is an outcast.

i think the main thing with anyone without kids in their 30's or 40's is what to do to fill the void. we look at our friends with kids and while they wouldnt swap them for the world, they're mostly bored and tired all the time, but at least this gives them purpose! for those of us who dont have the routine a child brings, its important to get some other things to focus on.

volunteering, joining clubs, making new friends etc all become more important as we all need a purpose. this is easy forparents as they now have a "project" to bring their children up, but identifying a "substitute" for childless people is essential.

i'd focus on this and get make some changes, take some new things on and get comfortable with yourself. the rest will fall into place, and the relationship will then probably follow on quite naturally. dont worry about that too much. get your affairs in order, make some newpositive steps and things then go back into perspective.

i hope it goes well for you and id love to hear back from you!

Comments

I am with you.... I have always been alone.  However, I do have kids.  Sadly enough they are my crutch.  My siblings have been more parental to me as well.  I cannot talk to them without getting "lectured". I do not have the financial stability that they do because they've always have two incomes and have invested.  I am about to become evicted with my children after awaiting determination from a claim filed with the EEOC and continuously and desperately seeking employment.  I cant figure out where I went wrong in life.  You have described exactly how I feel.  I cry all the time and I want so badly to get my life together but there is always some obstacle that prevents me from succeeding.  If there is bad luck, it belongs to me..  Imagine if you were in my shoes, one bad job after another because no one takes me seriously because I look like Im in high school, am good looking, big ***** and a good personality but career wise, I am a threat, disrespected, overlooked.  I haven't been on a date in over 10 years.  I stopped.  Why bother?!  The only sex I have is with myself except the one time when someone from work came to my home and forced me to have sex with him and threatened to have me fired.  I was fired for reporting it anyway.  I have no money, no one to call and no one cares. I wish everyday I could just leave my kids because I think I could actually get back on my feet.  Its such a horrible thought.  I am a horrible Mother for thinking these things but its true.  Their Dads just live their life as they choose and contribute little and absolutely no time.  I have no life whatsoever and no friends.  I am 42, I am smart, kind, good-looking, I am a good friend to all but I cant find it in return.  Nobody loves me, not even my kids.  All I hear is, "I want".  Be thankful it is just you and not you, your 3 kids and a pit bull.  I want a great job, a few good friends, a vacation once in a while, a car that doesn't break down every other day & looks like a bucket of bolts to get me all the way to my destination and forget the man...  Cuz I dont need someone to question where I was, how much did I spend or ask my why Im not coming to bed just because he went.  Nor do I want to pick up after some man who dribbles all over the toilet and leaves the toilet seat up which I will have to clean up later along with all the clippings of hair from shaving all over the sink.  And watch him grow frumpy "fat & grumpy" as he ages as I still look good, thinking to myself, "eww, gross".  I haven't seen one man in my age group that is remotely attractive and worth crying over.  I am happy not being married.  My unhappiness stems from not being as successful as my siblings.  And sadly, I couldn't call upon them to help me right now because they probably wouldn't answer or would just talk to me to gossip with the others later.  I love my kids and until the last few years have done pretty well raising my kids alone.  It has always been us and we've kind of been thankful for that because you never know what will be brought to the table when choosing a man.  However, my struggles have made me very unhappy and withdrawn from my kids as I realize we are all going to be sleeping in the car very soon.  Yes, the car that doesn't run well most of the time.  If you are lonely... me too!  I will be your friend and whenever you feel like you missed out on having kids, you are more than welcomed to come over and assist me with the "Mom!  he wont leave me alone".  "Mom, can I have $100"?  the screaming and pounding of something being thrown in the house (right now) and having to scold them 1000x a day, everyday.  I am going nuts!  If you are happy with your job, at least you have one you like.  A man.  They are overated.  If you are going to have children, you should do so soon and you would be surprised at what you can afford.  When you have kids, you have a tendancy to pull rabbits out of a hat.  There are so many frivolous things we waste money on (Starbucks) that if done so in moderation or cut-out completely.... you have the means to support a child.  Where there's a will there's a way.  I have done it by myself and I do not make a large salary.  I have done okay for me.  I have managed.  I've splurged on occassion and had to do without some too but my kids have never done without until now.  What a slap in the face. Wait until I tell them we're moving..... into the car.  I say, go for it....  A nice one night stand would do the trick.. j/k  Children do fill up that empty place inside.  I guess thats why mine are spread out in age. 19-12-6.  With your kids, you suddenly have your "own family" and your own things to do and just cant always make it to the family events but when you do... it does seem more like adulthood when attending with children.. Talk of children replaces the so when are you going to find Mr. Right and settle down.  Its so forgotten!

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well, whether you have kids or not(!) its important just not to be labelled "a parent". yes having kids is undoubtedly a rewarding and beautiful blessing, im a firm believer in keeping your own personality intact. I have loads of friends who after having children have just become a parent - their old personality has disappeared, whether that's their choice or they just get so involved with the upbringing, its hard to say. I also have other friends who trytheir hardest to keep a part of themselves for who they really are. you are still you, it doesn't matter what else is going on in your life.

keep a hold of your core. remember who you are and continue to develop that independently from your duties as a mother. that way, all your eggs aren't in one basket and you are multi-layered.

remember, im always here for you. how are you feeling today? how would you feel about trying to get a "plan" together to focus on you for a bit. give yourself a pampering! youre special and deserve it. x