Please read the following very carefully and pay close attention, for the following advice will help to turn your life around.
Firstly, there is in fact a safe way for you to help heal your bipolarity, and that is by taking the following health food supplements: magnesium, Omega 3 oils and a vitamin B complex, but make sure that the vitamin B complex contains niacin (vitamin B3). Hopefully, these are all available in Amsterdam in large quantities to see you through a course of treatment for a few months, but I don't know how much money you have. The magnesium and vitamin B complex will also help to reduce your migraine problems, particularly vitamin B6, which is vital to help you absorb the magnesium, and vitamin B9. The Omega 3 oils will help your mental health, too. You should also start taking glycine and vitamin D, which will help with your bipolar disorder. Remember to take all these supplements (Omega 3, vitamin B complex, vitamin D, magnesium, zinc) twice a day for the next few months, and things will improve.
You also need to look at your current diet. Does it contain fast food, coffee, cigarettes or (God forbid) drugs? If so, stop using them RIGHT NOW. These will only make your symptoms worse. Assuming you are on a food assistance program, think about choosing foods which provide a balanced diet with the recommended daily allowance of key vitamins and minerals, which will help the supplements improve your mental state.
Finally, if you say you are indeed spiritually open, please consider visiting your local church and explain your story to the priest. Ask for a personal copy of the Bible if you can, and carefully read through it. Your suicidal feelings will gradually begin to go away, providing that you follow the following steps:
1). Accept that you have been powerless in your life so far.
2). Only a power greater than yourself can restore you to sanity.
3). Make a decision to turn your will and your life over to God.
4). Create a full list of your life experiences, in the form of a long list, including all past mistakes and bad decisions which have led you into this situation. You must be completely honest, and this list will take up many pages.
5). Admit verbally to first yourself, then to God, and then to another human being the contents of this list.
6). Be ready to allow God to help remove these flaws.
7). In prayer, ask God for help in removing these problems from your life.
8). Create a list of all the people you may have harmed throughout your life, in any way large or small, write down exactly what you have done to harm them, and be willing to make amends to those people.
9). If at all possible, make direct amends to those people by peaceful means, and ask for their forgiveness.
10). Buy a diary, and write down each day anything wrong you have done to yourself and others, and verbally admit it to yourself and to God. Any recurring thoughts and regret about your past should also be written down, and verbally admitted to yourself and to God.
11). Seek to improve your contact with God with at least two prayers each day, and pray for knowledge as to his will for you, and the strength to carry it out in your lifetime.
Following these steps should help you achieve a spiritual awakening that has been missing in your life so far, and will help you on the road to recovery from your present state of mind.