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to put it into the most basic terms i was 6 years old when my cousins told me to do them sexual favors since them ive been raped 4 times and i feel like ive lived in the twilight zone because many people...neighbors and others have sexually assaulted me or flashed me. ive been suicidal since i was 8 years old but pussied out too many times to mention... i have gone through with suicide a few times and enjoy tourchering myself and starving myself..ever since 7 or 8 years ago ive been on many many hard drugs which ive stopped since 6 months ago but i want to go back. i was institutionalized last year for the first time. i feel i need to live there again and leave the last people i have in my life in peace  ..i got into a bad car accident and my shoulder is still in alot of pain and a hard something 6 months after my car accident still sticks out of the top of my shoulder. i have a bf who doesnt talk to me or care about me...i have no job or anyone to talk to or have money to eat...i am a very weak person and literally given up on everything ive started. I am a failure because i have 0.00 motivation to live or do anything at all or get out of bed or my house...i just want to run away and i rely dont think im going to live much longer. life is now impossible more than it ever has been. im 23 im not attracted to women at all but im starting to feel like my mother couldnt have a child for a reason and her pounding on the bible gave her a living breathing joke...which i dont want to be anymore...i need to not exist in any form ever again. I dont know if i will be alive soon

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1 Answer

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Profile Photo by goodwill ANGEL24K (33.8k points)   5 12 59

I am sorry you have gone through so much. But YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Come here and talk to us. You are not a failure. Even in your lowest points are you subconsciously clingling to life. You are a fighter. 6 months is LONG time to have stopped all drugs cold turkey! You should be very proud of yourself. It is not an easy thing to do. If you feel you need to be instiutionalized, well by all means commit yourself. There is nothing wrong with it. You have gone through so much and it seems you were never really allowed to talk about what happened to you or to actually heal. Before you could get over one incident, you were hit with something else. Those that should have supported you and protected like your mom preferred to hide behind her bible. Let it go. Her issues are not your own.

I may be wrong, but it sounds like you have a lot of hate along with the hurt pent up inside you. Instead of letting it out, you are keeping it inside and you are wrongfully blaming yourself. Please go to counseling. Of course, you can always come here and talk with us, but a professional can really help. Your doctor may decide that medication may help. Your shoulder can be fixed with surgery. It probably healed wrong or you have excess scar tissue. This can be solved with minimally invasive surgery. It may also be time to cut your losses and end all the toxic relationships in your life. If your boyfriend does not care for you, then you do not need him in your life. It may be, however, that right now you do not care nor do you love yourself so it is hard to accept that others do care and love you.

You have never been a joke. You are only 23 and for most of your life you have been numb on drugs. You have now stopped the drugs so all these feelings are rushing in, and it is making you feel everything all at once. It is no surprise that you do not want to do anything. The human brain can only process so much ... Take a deep breath and deal with it all in small chunks. You may have to talk yourself into living another day or even another hour, but there is a reason you are still here. You are a fighter as I said. Continue to fight. You are stronger than you think. I would also suggest you volunteer somewhere - it will be very rewarding. Perhaps when you start to feel better, you can join the site and share your story. It will help others in similar situations. Please don't despair. Don't be so hard on yourself. After everything you have been through, a truly weak person would not be on this site seeking help. You have plenty to look forward to and there is still much life for you to live. Good luck we are here if you want to talk
thank you so much for getting back to me...i nearly broke up with my bf today/yesterday and its giving me mixed effects...i feel its a step in the right direction instead of wasting my heart on him. it also might have been to early to throw away...he didnt call me back like he said he would. i feel like hes looking for any excuse to blame the failing relationship on me because its my fault my life is this way and the fact im jobless and live my life entirely in nothingness creates my loser personality. im all set with his bs though. he asks why i do this to him when he tells me he is very vindictive to people he hates...well i might as well get out of it when i still can and focus on myself im completely done with dumb highschool drama...if he wants me let him find me other than that im done wasting my time. after the fight we had today we might technically still be together after 5 months...something tells me it just doesn't matter with him...and maybe not look into it too far
Profile Photo by goodwill ANGEL24K (33.8k points)   5 12 59
The problems of a couple always require two people. There is no point in blaming each other. It will not solve anything and It will not change anything either.
You are not a loser. You are going through some real tough issues and emotions right now. Give yourself a break. And please try to envision a better future for yourself. Yes, you are not where you would like to be now, but it does not mean you will be stuck there forever. Start thinking of all you want to do and experience, and things will start to work themselves out. You can share them with me, if you feel comfortable.

What do you mean by "vindictive"? Is he violent? I hope he has not been violent with you. You are a unique and beautiful individual, worthy of love and deserving of respect. Do not let ANYONE belittle or humiliate you. You know him best, but someone who is a mature adult, and who truly loves you, would understand that you need a little space right now. You need to focus on all the turmoil you are going through right now before you add a serious relationship to the mix. If it is meant to be, you guys will find a way back to each other. And, the relationship will be that much stronger and rewarding. If you can love yourself more, and understand who you are, then you can truly love and give yourself to another. Be patient and just wait and see.

Indeed, you do not need this drama in your life. You are not being selfish by trying to get well. Explain it to him. Tell him it is nothing personal. You just need a little time - does he know all that has happened to you? It may be very scary, but perhaps you should tell him everything. Again, you know him best and you know what kind of relationship you are in...It is pretty obvious to tell when a relationship is toxic. Sometimes, we just do not want to admit it.

Please keep me posted... BIG hug :)

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