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I never understood how anybody could find themselves feeling suicidal.
Today, it clicked.
I am pretty sure I have a form of OCD called Dermatillomania. I have always suffered with obsessive needs to carry out certain things. For example, for months I scratched my scalp incessantly. For a period of time, I pulled out my hair. One time I used to constantly have to clean beneath my fingernails or else I couldn't concentrate. However, for the past 3-4 years, I think, I have picked desperately at the backs of my arms. My skin is scarred and reddened by the action, the scabs oh so visible to anybody who dare look.
My mum, well, she has an extraordinary way to make me feel ashamed of everything I am, and about this habit that I cannot break. Everyday I have to wear long sleeves to cover the damage I've done. My goodness, the way she looks at me: I wish I could stop, but nothing has helped. Nothing.
Everything I am good at, I am bad at. I can't help but see myself as failing, falling rapidly into nothingness. The life that already seems decided for me is not one I want, I don't know.
I just don't really know anything at all, anymore.
Country: england

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1 Answer

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Profile Photo by goodwill ANGEL24K (33.8k points)   5 12 59

NOTHING has been decided for you. If it is not the life you want, then take back control. Turn things into the life you do want. Have you been to a doctor? Are you receiving any kind of treatment for your condition? I would also strong urge you to get counseling. Maybe your mom can join you so you can learn to talk to each other. If you do not feel your mom will change then maybe it is time to give each other some space.

Be confident. This is a medical condtion. It is an illness. Don't let her judgments get to you. It is beyond your control and if she cannot be understanding then that reflects negatively on her not you. Failure is a normal part of life. We all fall. You just got to dust yourself off and pick yourself up. Again, medication and therapy can help. You know what the problem is so now you just have to figure out the treatment.

It is impossible to fade into nothingness. Everything on this eart has intrinsic value, including you. You belong in it as much as your mother does or anyone else for that matter. Don't be so hard with yourself. It is going to take time. Stress also makes it worse so again maybe being close to your mom is not the best right now if she is going to add to your stress. I think talking about your problem can help you get through it. Write it out. Keep a journal and distract yourself so you are not constantly thinking about it... I hope it all works out Don't give up.

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Samaritans (Ireland/ROI) at 1850 60 90 90
1life (Ireland/ROI) at 1800 24 7 100
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