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I’m Amanda, Im 28 years old and I have Dissociative Identity Disorder and am in therapy. On Monday evening I had major dissociative episode where I was completely ‘out’ and whatever occurred during the time space I have no awareness or remembrance of. These ‘blank times’ happen occasionally, and are generally a part of my life. However this time it appears I have been lead into a situation that has turned very complex and traumatising. From looking at my text and facebook message records it appears an alter of mine that I have no co-consciousness with has been ‘messing’ about with a male friend of mine, pretending to be me. I don’t know what has happened previously, but on this occasion something must have been different because the ‘red flags’ have gone up in my mind and I have been alerted to the fact that the ‘lost’ time had happened, and that something had gone down during that time which would affect me, and the rest of my internal system. Having discovered a blood stained baby wipe and injuries to personal areas, certain ‘mental images’ have begun filtering through the internal chaos. I have checked my phone and I know that this male came to visit me at my home Monday evening, whilst I was dissociated. It seems this alter has got so far into a sexual relationship that I have no want or desire for, (i’m happily with somebody else, with a none sexual relationship, by choice), and on this Monday has obviously gone too far and found herself in a situation out of her control and thus ‘dissociated’ herself and ‘passed’ the situation to one of the alters with whom I have a little co-consciousness, the alter who was created in childhood to ‘smile, obey and look like you enjoy it’. The male involved must have come up against some resistance or otherwise the injuries couldn’t have occurred, especially as some seem to be related to friction or tearing around the entrance. I don’t think they went ‘all the way’ - I can find no evidence of a ****** or ***** in the house.      I just don’t know what to do. I thought this male was my friend, he knows about the dissociation and he knows that I just don’t do sex. Is he in the wrong? am I? is my alter? I’m so confused, and so triggered by the discomfort and the flashes of feelings im getting through from the 2nd alter mentioned.     My partner thinks I should go to the police, I just don’t know. I know that I am still getting traces of blood from a couple of the more painful areas, and I just don’t know if I should or want to seek help or not.
Country: UK

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2 Answers

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Profile Photo by dolphin007 ANGEL24K (309k points)   7 7 12
Verses in the Holy Bible about anxiety and depression:

1 Peter 5:7 ESV / 4 helpful votes

Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.

Helpful Not Helpful
Proverbs 12:25 ESV / 4 helpful votes

Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad.

Hebrews 13:5-6 ESV / 3 helpful votes

Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” So we can confidently say, “The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?”

Philippians 4:9 ESV / 3 helpful votes

What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

Philippians 4:6 ESV / 3 helpful votes

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

Philippians 4:4 ESV / 3 helpful votes

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice.

1 Corinthians 10:13 ESV / 3 helpful votes

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

John 3:16 ESV / 3 helpful votes

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.

Matthew 6:25-34 ESV / 3 helpful votes

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

Psalm 91:1-16 ESV / 3 helpful votes

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler. You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day,

Psalm 23:1-6 ESV / 3 helpful votes

A Psalm of David. The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

Verses in the Holy Bible about helping others:

Hebrews 13:16 ESV / 2,268 helpful votes

Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God.

Philippians 2:4 ESV / 1,544 helpful votes

Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Luke 6:38 ESV / 1,136 helpful votes

Give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.”

1 John 3:17 ESV / 1,019 helpful votes

But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him?

Matthew 25:35-40 ESV / 848 helpful votes

For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was ***** and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or ***** and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’

James 2:14-17 ESV / 697 helpful votes

What good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can that faith save him? If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and filled,” without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that? So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.

Galatians 6:2 ESV / 594 helpful votes

Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.

John 15:12 ESV / 507 helpful votes

“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.

Matthew 5:16 ESV / 492 helpful votes

In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.
0 votes
Profile Photo by Polchies ANGEL3000+ (3.8k points)   1 3 4
Firstly, I am sorry for your situation. D.I.D can be almost impossible to deal with because it makes a person feel like she/he has no control over their bodies or their minds. D.I.D is one of the most unpredictable illnesses today, mainly because so little is known about what causes the illness itself. D.I.D stems from a break in the brain, mainly after a traumatic event at some point in your life. An event which was too much for you to register yourself, causing your brain to create an alternate person within your  mind. Some people who live with this illness have explained it like having an evil twin  who only appears when you least expect it. You have to remember, this alternate person was created by you, therefore it can also be mustered up by you. If your alternate self was created to deal with a traumatic event that you yourself were unable to handle, then it serves to believe that this will be the most likely time your alternate self will manifest itself throughout your life, coming out in occasions and situations which are highly stressful. On a side note, you stated that this alternate self was created to plaster on a smile, and act like everything is okay. This is highly unusual in a case of D.I.D, the majority of these cases the alternate self is created to be the "muscle" for all intensive purposes. People who create an alternate self often do so because they themselves are too soft hearted or passive and so their alternate self which becomes existent during an extremely traumatic event would normally be the more hostile and aggressive version of you, the "person" you don't have the strength to be. I mean this with the greatest of respect and in no way mean to slander or demean you because as with other mental illnesses, you cannot help or control your D.I.D episodes alone. However, there are always two sides to a person, and someone suffering with D.I.D or any form of alternate state illness has the condition where both sides of them manifest, depending on any given situation. Have you considered the idea that although you are in a healthy and steady relationship that perhaps deep down you are questioning this relationship, or just settling down in general? Do you have any doubts about the man you are with at all? You have to remember that when you live with an alternate self illness such as D.I.D you give the power to this alternate person. For example: a young girl was molested by her stepfather for years and years. She was scared to say anything, believing that no one would understand or believe her. Eventually, the abuse became too much for the young girl to handle, so she or rather her brain in a desperate attempt to save her created another person inside of her, a stronger version of her. The young girl ends up killing her stepfather one night when he comes into her room, only for the girl to have no idea what had happened the following day. Her alternate self seen a situation which the girl herself was too weak to take on personally, and so the alternate self stepped in and did what it felt like the girl wanted to do but was too weak to do herself. This could be the situation you are dealing with right now as well. If you have been having any doubt, even the slightest ones about the person you are currently with or about settling down, your alternate self could perceive this as a situation they would handle better then you are and manifests itself to deal with this. This could explain texts, phone calls, sexual behavior and activity during an episode, the alternate self is living out what it believes you want but don't have the strength to carry out yourself.

 Have you considered mirror therapy? It isn't offered in every area and it is quite a controversial and fairly new therapy, but, I believe it would benefit people that live with D.I.D and other dimensional disorders.
 Mirror therapy is just as it sounds. They will place you in a room made of mirrors, while you are in an episode. They force your alternate self to reveal itself and to come to terms with the fact that it is your face that they are looking at. With most cases of split personality disorders, the other personality is extremely narcassitc, believing that you created them because you are too weak to deal with things and that is why they are there. Forcing them out and forcing them to stare at a face that isn't "theirs" (although we know that these alternate personailities don't actually have features they are often so self centered that they believe they do) will cause the alternate self to question their appearance, their role.

 I hope you found this somewhat helpful and as for where to place the blame in this situation, you shouldn't be quick to place blame anywhere when dealing with D.I.D because although this is your body, you don't always have control over the actions it involves itself in. To be able to place blame, you would have to be logically sound which during these episodes you are not, therefore you cant blame yourself. If you have proof that the guy involved (not your partner, but, the other guy) in any way capitalized on your condition to take advantage of you then yes, that could be considered sexual harassment or rape and should be reported to police as soon as possible, but, if this guy is not aware of your condition or has done nothing to make you believe he took advantage of the situation or of you then it is probably best not to throw blame at him either. This is always a very difficult issue and illness to deal with and everyone you come into contact with always plays a part in the effects of the episodes, you just have to ensure that you make certain of everything that happened the best you can once the episode is over. I wish you all the best and I am here anytime you need to talk, if you should so choose.

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