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Im 33 yrs of age in the Uk, I have been on anafranil (USA) clomipramine (UK) since having problems with work- since taking the meds I have been thinking of suicide in drastic ways- like an obsession. Constantly thinking this thought. I dont want the thought but the thoughts there which confuses me thinking I must want to do it as my brain is telling me. Maybe I do- I do not know I just feel lost. I feel like Im not in reality or maybe I am and the people what I used to be like eg- going to work/going out are in some sort of delusion. I am scrutinising every part of my life and feel lost , A lost soul. I have been on ******/Diazepam which seems to help initially despite when coming down from this drug. By the way I have stopped the clomipramine as i thought it was making matters worse. IE: Not wanting to go out, Socialize- do "normal " things. It dont seem to matter anymore. Bills again they dont seem to matter. I could be handed a massive pay cheque and it dont seem to matter- its all very irrelavant when I come to think about it. I dont have a very good family structure and the only person whats been my rock is my gran whos 82 whos extremely ill. Im thinking hold on until she goes then do something drastic to myself. I,ve tried to get myself sectioned or at least placed in hospital for my own safety  but they wont do this the local authourity - instead they say its OCD  and just anxiety (Just they say) . I am praying to god for a miracle but no releif there . Im thinking I must be a terrible person or I actually dont want His help, either way I dont feel a thing and question His whole existence. I dont even know why Im writing this. I just dont want my nan to die eve though she,s reached 82 and suffering from vasc dementia and possible cancer- The medics dont want to investigate due to age and treatment outcomes. She is the only person whats really cared for me and now I am losing her although I have lost some of her already due to dementia. I really hate waking up cos every second of every day is a nightmare. I wished Jesus/God/ some higher power would just visit me or give me a sign. I know suicide devastates peoples lives as I found my mums boyfriend hanging when I was eleven- I think this is why I sometimes feel the way I do. I dont really like people anymore I dont think and feel as mentioned earlier ...well just lost. I will say I stopped the anafranil despite clinicians advice and yesterday and part of today I cried with things... In some respects I feel thats a release and the meds where just masking things. Infact I think they have made matters worse interms of logical thinking, I was,nt suicidal until I was on this medicine and Ive been on various ones over the years- all seem to make me think nasty evil thoughts so best I come off them . I am on Diazepam which does help short term-   Im just using this to help with withdrawal of the anti deps started on 8mg 6mg, and intention to go to 4, 2 then 1 and 0.5 and stop. I just cant think positive and when i do it seems fake- Life seems fake and terrifying. I wished God would help. It makes me so mad to hear ppl say they feel the holy spirit and I never do. Any advice appreciated.
Country: ENGLAND

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Hi from America!!!  I feel like I'm going through the same things you are.  I'm not sure what kind of a doctor you're going to, but I told mine that the drugs I was taking made feel worse than I was originally.  We just keep trying new ones.  But honesttly, I don't like taking them.  I'm not sure if I'm allowed to mention this or not, but I take Tramadol every day.  It keeps the fog out of my head and makes me feel better.  Also, do you go to church?  If so, are your churches open during the day?. I ask this because over here where I live, the churches are only open during services because of crime.  Isn't that sad?!?!?  I mean of all the places you would consider safe would be a church.  Anyway, if yours are open, just make it a point to go there for about an hour and just be quiet. Listen.  Answers will come to you.   Don't kill yourself.  I always and firmly believe there is a reason why we are here. I know it sounds corny and silly, but I mean it from my heart.  I mean, you never know what's behind the corner. Just keep trying and praying and most important, be quiet and listen.  Right before you go to bed, grab a cup of tea, turn off the lights, light a candle, and sit quietly.  Talk to your angels or to God or to a loved one who passed away...and you'll be guided in the right direction.  One more thiing I forgot that I found helps me....a journal.  I just write anyuthing I want in it. I doodle, I just write one word sometimes. But I find it helps. I carry it with me all the time.  I'll be walking along and something hits me and I'll just write it down.  Try it!!!  Please hand in there and let me know how you're doing.... I'm sending positive thoughts your way !!!   :-)
I pray for you both, so hard at times. I had miscarriage lately, cant trust by fiance who i am supposed to be marrying in 40 days time. head all over the place. I want to hug you, I hope all turns out well for you xx
I appreciate the comments- Yes its me again who wrote the original post. Tramadol Yer been on that recently too. I believe it works on same receptors as ****** although dont quote me. I felt relaxed by it and chilled me out and put me to a semi coma like state- unfortunately or fortunately I developed severe  and I mean severe itching although I was taking above prescribed limits but I see why You do take it regardless of right or wrong.  I would advise not to take it but then again if Your like me You will do whatever gets You through- who am I to judge. I have stopped all meds- Diazepam too even before my original stop off point, I am currently in bed at 1700 hrs Uk time and just well worse than ever. I am just trying to rest and ride this through- Hopefully once withdrawal is done I will start feeling better and thinking more rational/ positive. I just dont know what I am thinking or feeling right now. Its terrible. I am thinking am I mad for meds not working then i look at some website in America and England what question these drugs  and their effects- I wont mention what actions have been caused by individuals on drugs but its easy to guess what I mean. Im actually thinking these drugs do make people go off the rails and it is all one marketing ploy-  It gives me some kind of re -assuarance that maybe this is the case and if I get myself off them then I will eventually come right , and then again I question why I went to docs in first instance.  I know for certain Im just glad I get my meds on the " NHS " in England around £7.85 per lot of meds cos If I was in states Id be demanding my cash back . I only a few months ago was thinking like lets go to Miami for my Holidays/Vacation next year and now its like why- I think I have trully cracked up. Hope Your both OK though but in regards to last comment if You dont trust Your partner is there any point getting tied. I cant say too much though as Im with a girl who I dont really like anymore but its someone to visit when I do go out- sounds horrid that but maybe thats just my mental state at min. I should be there this eve but I can,t be bothered. Hugs to all- Chris/- topher :-).

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