Ok, so I am going to try to keep this short, but you are asking a lot of heavy and theological questions so bear with me :)
1.How to love yourself
The easiest way to do this is to stop the cheap highs
You don't need the otc drugs or the cigarettes or the alcohol. For whatever reason, you feel guilty afterwards. Chew some ice or some gum every time you get a craving. Every time you are feeling down go out with friends as you have been doing or watch a movie, listen to music - do something that makes you feel good. There are going to be days when you will feel sad. There are going to be days when you will miss your friend, and there will be days when it will hurt. It is normal. Pain is a part of life just as joy is. Everyone goes through it. But you cannot run away from the pain and self-medicate. It will only come back stronger, and you will end up in a vicious cycle. This is why I strongly urge to get back into therapy. You never know unless you ask, and I am sure you can work something out so you can continue your program. Get checked by a doctor. You may also have a chemical imbalance, which can make you feel worse.
Try to find purpose in your life
You need to find something that gives you purpose, that gives you a sense of connection to this world. I would suggest you volunteer. You can volunteer with gay teen organizations, an animal shelter, or even a soup kitchen. Anything that allows you to help others. It will also give you a new perspective. It will let you see that your situation is not as dire as you think.
Be informed and get educated
Remember, it is through pain and suffering that we gain understanding and compassion. It is perfectly fine to have self-doubt. We all do. I would suggest you think of at least one good thing a day about yourself. I am sure you can find it. Write it down, let them build up. Read them when you feel down. Try to find at least one thing too every day to be grateful, and write it down. If you are not too embarrassed, ask your friends to give you in writing the things they like about you. It is all about changing your mindset. I have been there. I am telling you from experience. Complete your education. It doesn't have to be a 4 year degree, but find something that you love doing and work towards earning a living with it. You have so much potential and you have the ability to fight for your happiness. Please fight.
Break free of preconceived notions of God and find your own
God is not telling you to hate yourself nor is he saying you and your friend cannot be together. This is a decision that you and your friend have made. Perhaps, you and your friend have been indoctrinated but break free. Work on yourself and gain the confidence to talk to your friend. Make him see that there is no reason for him or you to hide who you are. God is not punishing you; you are punishing yourself. I know that loving yourself sounds simple enough but it is one of the hardest things to do. I think part of the reason you dislike yourself is because you have stopped loving God. Do you think because you are gay means you cannot love him? He still loves you, and he will be there when you are ready to love him back. I still just think that the Christian faith you were raised in was simply too conservative. I grew up in California, as well, and I went to Catholic school all my life yet nothing about my faith tells me you will end up in hell simply for being gay, or that you and your friend can’t be in a loving relationship and still have faith in God.
Stop the hate
Hate is never a good emotion to have so let it go. I can understand your hatred, but realize that the hatred and anger is directed at whatever Christian church said you had to change and fit into a certain mold. It is easy to blame God. But if you do that, then you have made your situation worse. If you place the blame on God, only God can solve your problems, and how will that happen especially when you are not talking to him? There are consequences to your decisions. Every act you make has led you to the place you are now. You alone are responsible for the life you have. It is hard to take responsibility and accept that a lot of our unhappiness has been caused by us. It is even harder to accept that we can change it, especially when it is so difficult to figure out what things are within our control and what things our beyond it. But think how much easier the solution becomes – you are no longer dependent on God or anyone else to take action in order to improve your situation.
Buddhism is a religion based on the premise of cause and effect, and perhaps this is why it appeals to you. Being Buddhist and believing in God is not mutually exclusive. In fact, Buddhism evinces a benevolent creator. It calls you to find your path and reach enlightenment - full acceptance of yourself. It is more a way of thinking than a set religion. You do not need a set religion to continue to believe in God. It is perfectly normal to question the Christian faith you were raised in, especially when that faith is telling you are "bad". But remember, this is just one interpretation of Christianity. And you need not decide whether it is right or wrong, only that it was wrong for you. You need to find a worldview and a notion of faith that works for you. If you have some time, check out The Buddha in Your Mirror by ***** Hochswender, Greg Martin and Ted Morino (Middleway Press).
3. Delaying the inevitable.
We are ALL delaying the inevitable. We all die. True, you may avoid the pain, but you will miss out on all the joy if you kill yourself. Think back to when you first posted on here ... had you done it then you would have missed out on the time with your friend. Imagine what you may miss out on if you decide to end it now. Your time with him is not the highlight of your life or the only good thing that will ever happen to you. My goodness, you are only 20! You want to be able to look back and say you fought the good fight!
4. Programs in California
You may qualify for medi-cal and welfare assistance. It all depends on your income. A welfare office will be better able to help you. With Obamacare as well, you can get health insurance at very little cost to you. Check out http://www.healthcareandyou.org/state/california/
to see what health insurance options are available to you. At 20, the monthly price is very low. You may also qualify for EDD and SSI, it all depends on your condition and how permanent it is. Go to www.edd.ca.gov and www.ssa.gov . To qualify for SSI you must be made permanently disabled. For EDD you just need to be temporarily disabled. You may still be able to collect EDD and work/go to school. It all depends on what your doctor says. You would only qualify for unemployment if your employer let you go, not if you quit. You are also entitled to Cal Grants (money free of charge) to go to school. Both UC’s and Cal States have Psychology clinics open to the public. You just got to search those closest to you. If I think/find anything else, I will let you know.
So I hope some of this made sense and I hope you find a reason to continue to fight. Again, sorry for the long post. … really long post …