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I'm a 20 year old gay male. I have a job that I enjoy, but after that's done, I spend the rest of the day (and the weekends) thinking about dying. I just wish I could end it all. There are two things that have kept me from killing myself: I'm very religious and I believe that will end in hell (place that is not heaven). But I know that it's just a matter of time before my desire to die overwhelms my desire not to go to hell (place that is not heaven). I'm going there anyway for being gay (I hate it about myself, but I don't know how to change it).
The second thing that has kept me alive is my best friend. He loves me and I love him too but we can never be in a relationship; he's not gay and, again, religion. The problem is, he's leaving the country very soon and I won't be able to see him for 6 months. We talk and see each other every day, but he's leaving and I don't have the money to stay in touch over the phone. I'm afraid that this will push me over the edge. I'm just barely hanging on as it is.
Also, I have an eating disorder that developed in high school and my family constantly makes fun of me for it. I've tried self-harming and I liked it so I'm worried about where that will lead. I don't drink because I don't have the money but I can get over-the-counter medication pretty easily for a cheap high.
I hate myself and my friend is really the only thing keeping me alive.
I don't know what to do.
Country: USA
    

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4 Answers

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Profile Photo by HOPE ANGEL24K (66.1k points)   7 11 38
edited by HOPE
I will try to address two of your concerns:

Please google "Am I Going to Hell for Being Gay?" for more detail explanation. The answer is NO.

Also, you said you hate to be gay, but you don’t know how to change it. Suicide or self-harm won’t help you solve this problem you are facing.

The American Psychological Association states that “Homosexuality is not a mental disorder”. There are many ways to cope with this problem and to change it through force of will alone may be only one of them. You still have control on many other aspects, which may help you better cope with this problem. There is HOPE and you can find it as long as you are alive and don’t give up!

“He loves me and I love him too but we can never be in a relationship; he's not gay”, so this is a relationship problem, and I don’t think you have to connect it with sexuality. Look at it from a new angle; it may be not as complicated as you thought. And you may have known many solutions to this problem already.

You said that you are “very religious”, but you keep using the word hate. Maybe you should step back, and really challenge your attitude toward yourself and this world. Maybe all your problems will be solved gradually when you begin to embrace LOVE instead of hate …

Please never give up believing and living!!!!

God loves you!!!
+1 vote
Profile Photo by faith ANGEL22K+ (22.4k points)   3 7 36
Hi, you say you enjoy your job, that’s a positive, you have a best friend that loves you that’s a positive, and you are a loving person that’s also a positive. So you have positive in your life.

Teens to 20, are the most difficult times for emotions and you’re all over the place while you are finding who you are, and what life has in store for you. First you must be strong as this is a testing time for you. You are worried about what people say, don’t be.

 

Gay people are the most loving people I know, and they can give so much love, try loving yourself a little more. Accept your self; no one hates you, so why do you want to hate yourself.

Surly you can email and write to your friend when he’s away to keep in contact, phones can be expensive I know.

As for your family making fun of you, talk to them and tell them how it makes you feel, I’m sure they wouldn’t do it if they know how you feel.

 

You say you don’t know what to do……Well, start to love yourself for who you are, ask your god for guidance, Channel your mind and energy to make your life happier, talk to someone about how you feel.

 Like Hope said, change your thoughts from hate to love.

Please feel free to message me back, I care about you, and would love to hear from you……..Faith
by  
How do I love myself? Everything about me seems wrong...
I get that finding myself can be difficult; I'm trying my best. But I'm stuck in a bad place in my life and I don't see a way out. I know it could get better, but I'm always so unsure that it will. If I get out of this mess I'm in, who's to say that what's waiting for me isn't just as bad or worse? I'm barely hanging on, but maybe that's the best I can hope for.
I don't understand love. I don't feel it from God, only condemnation. And even my parents, who are supposed to love their children, never did. They abused me when I was younger and told me that I was a failure when I got older. I don't know how to feel love towards myself.
by  
Hi, Ok, how do you love yourself………by not hating yourself and everything about you. You say you are trying your best, I believe you are.

You have had a bad past, but that is now the past. You must try and start from now and change things for a better future. I know you feel unsure of what the future holds for you, but push negative thoughts out of your mind by immediately replacing them with a positive thought. You must not keep punishing yourself. You must not blame yourself for the past. YOU are not to blame.

Please tell me what makes you happy. What would make you feel better? Do you find being able to put your feelings on here helps you?
I would love to hear back from you. I care about you………..Faith
by  
I don't understand how to change the things about myself that I hate, but I can't stand thinking that those things are who I am.
It does help to post here because I can say some things that no one else around me will hear. It's nice to know that somebody cares. And maybe I'll get some help. I don't think I actually want to die, it's just that ending it seems like the only way sometimes.
Also, even though it might sound bad, reading other people's postings, and the answers you give them, helps too. It makes me feel better to know that I'm not the only one going through this stuff. Like maybe I'm not some horribly messed up person.
I don't really know what makes me happy. Sometimes things that used to make me happy just don't anymore. And realizing that makes me even sadder. Sometimes I like to write, but I don't think I'm all that great at it. There's someone I know who's way better. I guess eventually I'll find something.
My name is James, by the way, but everyone calls me Jamie.
by  
Hi Jamie, thank you for your reply message.
I don’t think you realise that you are in the process of changing things right now, by coming on here and putting your feeling down takes courage, and will take some of the pressure of your shoulders.
 It is not easy to tell the people close to you how you feel sometimes. Please feel free to tell me what you want and get these feeling out of your system it is all a part of releasing your negativity, and will make room for positive thoughts to replace the negative, it is all a part of changing the way you think and feel about yourself.
 Try surrounding yourself with good and happy things, look for the things that will make you smile. It will take time Jamie but I am sure you can do it.

Yes you are right, what you are going through at the moment you are far from being on your own, but I think you have the strength to pull through, and when you do, maybe you will be able to help others get through by being an angel yourself, just think what value you would be to be able to help others come through these dark times. You have a life just waiting for you Jamie, and I know you can do it.

You come across as not having much confidence in what you do, like the writing.
If you write from the heart and not set your target to high, don’t try to hard at being the best. You do not need to prove yourself to anyone other than yourself. If you are happy with what you do then that is all you have to do.
 You are not on your own thinking your work is not good enough; in fact 90% of talented people think that about themselves.
Please tell me what you like to write about, I would like to know. By the way I can’t do anything like that; I don’t think I could do without the spell check that’s for sure.

Well Jamie I do care about you, and I want you to keep going towards the good things that will come to you. What I would love to hear one day not to far away is that you are getting your self confidence back and hear that you see a bright future for your self.
Take care of yourself. please keep in touch, I am here for you……….Faith
by  
I don't understand why I'm feeling like this.
Every so often there's a glimmer of happiness or hope (usually when I spend time with my friend) but then I'm right back down in the darkness. I want to make this stop. I don't understand why I feel like this.
by  
Hi Jamie, It sounds like you are in love and you are afraid of loosing him. Love hurts at times. Try not putting all your life in to just one love, most of us can get hurt by loving too much.
 Is your friend aware of how you feel?.
 
Hang on to the times you get the feeling of hope, and work on making them last.

Try not to hang all your hope on this one friend.

One day Jamie you will feel better, keep fighting these dark feelings till you beat them.

Message me when you want, I will be here……….faith
by  
He does know that I love him. I can't help but love him and he's the reason I stay alive. The problem is that he's not gay and, even if he was, we both know it's wrong. I want to spend the rest of my life with him but I know we have no future.
What do I do?
Profile Photo by faith ANGEL22K+ (22.4k points)   3 7 36
Jamie I don't see what's wrong with loving someone, whoever it may be, we are told to love one another,so how is it wrong.
You are not the only one that feels the way you do. Life is made up of all sorts of emotions love, hate, sad, happy, what you have to do is get a balance. as you experience different feelings you will become more able to deal with life.
I know you feel that this love for your friend is the only reason to be alive at the moment, but Jamie you are far more important a person to let these feeling control you, If only you could enjoy the love you have instead of hating being in love, then I am sure you will feel better about the future.

People love people wether gay or not makes no difference when it comes to hurt or if one loves and the other doesn't the gender has nothing to do with it. I think you should stop worrying about being gay and start thinking more about accepting that life is not a perfect path. Please stop beating yourself up over this, start to live your life without the guilt, and you will find your future awaits you and will be a happier future.

I have to say that It is difficult to accept what I am saying for you at this time, and that is why I ask you to hang on to any good times and times you feel there is hope.  At 20 yrs old you haven't given yourself a chance, I would love to hear one day that you are in control of your emotions and living a happy life.
Please keep in touch with me and let me know how you are feeling as often as you want.
Take good care of yourself Jamie....Faith
+1 vote
Profile Photo by goodwill ANGEL24K (33.8k points)   5 12 59
Hi Jamie, I hope that after so much positive messages you are feeling a little better about yourself. Believe me when I say you are not incurring the wrath of God because you are gay. Your orientation or sexual preference is irrelevant to him. Being gay is not sickness; it is not a disease. You are simply born that way and I find it very hard to believe that God would create you only to condemn you. I think you probably just live in a very small town with very close-minded views. Religion is meant to bring you closer to God not separate you from him. Talk to God, pray, read the bible but don't judge others and don't judge yourself. There is no room for hate with God. Your parents may just have an incorrect notion of what love and God's love really is. ...As for your friend, you don't need money to talk to him. Email is free. Skype is free. If you have a webcam and a pc, which I am sure you know at least someone who does you can call via the net free. You just both have to join. I don't really know what your situation with him is, and I don't want to get your hopes up, but it may be that he too is struggling with these feelings for you. He may just be too afraid to share and maybe he as at a stage where he is not ready to accept. But like i said, i don't want to get your hopes up, and maybe he just sees you as a friend. You are young. You are confusing your crush with the actual love you feel for him as a friend. ... As for family, they can sometimes be the most supportive and sometimes the worst critics. I am not sure how much help it would do if you actually talked things out with them since they don't sound very rational. I will however suggest that you see a therapist or talk to someone. You know your family best so I don't know how effective this will be, but you should tell them you don't deserve being made fun of. If they disapprove you, then really they disapprove of themselves. It has been scientifically shown that being gay is biological, meaning it is genetic, and they made you. They also raised you. As for your body issues, find a center to help you. I know a lot of your issues stems from the fact that you are having a hard time accepting yourself. We all do. Everyone has self-doubts and everyone struggles with their identity- some people are just more honest about it. If you like to write, then you should write! so who cares if others are better at it than you - there will always be someone who is better, but you are not in competition with them. you just need to do what you love and the rest will fall into place. like i said, you are young and everyone is different. maybe you just need to take some classes... i don't know if you are in school but you need some creative outlet. without it, you are going to continue the self mutilation, which you should not do. it helps no one! i don't know what your personality is like, but if anyone saw me as a failure i would PROVE THEM WRONG. Prove all these people wrong. Don't let them get to you or into your head and convince you that you are worthless simply because you are different. You are not worthless, and you are not a horribly messed up person. You also feel depressed because you are not eating. Your brain gets all nutty and all kind of emotionally altering hormones are released when you don't have proper nutrition.

If you and your friend love each other, there is nothing wrong with being together. You are not hurting anyone. Again, God would not have put that love there if it were so evil. Like I said, I think you are just in a very closed minded environment and once you get out you will be able to breathe. Don't let others dictate your life. Yes, it won't be easy if you guys decide to be together, but you will have each other. Family, friends may never talk to you again, but that is their loss. You have done nothing wrong. Life is too short for you to worry about what others think of you. It's sad that so much hate is associated with God. ******, the Inquisition they killed millions in the name of God. This is the same corruption of his message of love. ... I hope this helps and if you need to talk just write back :)
by  
Wow, you said a lot. In response to your first sentence, I do feel better some of the time. I'm just having a hard time getting through those times that I don't feel so good.
It doesn't help that I feel sick from not eating anything, but I feel way worse when I do eat (or even think about eating).
You're probably right that this is one source of my problems, but I don't know how to fix it.
I'm having a hard time convincing myself that things can possibly get better. Right now, I'm kind of in a cycle where I'm trying my best to hang on; most of the time I succeed, but sometimes I fall. But I'm not sure how to get out of this place where I am. I feel like I've trapped myself. Again, I'm just not convinced things will get better. How can I be sure that it won't just save me a lot of pain to end things now? At least it would be on my own terms.
Profile Photo by goodwill ANGEL24K (33.8k points)   5 12 59
Thanks for getting back to me. Trying to kill your self won't save anyone any pain. Instead, it will CREATE pain. Think of your friend. You guys seem close and likely have been good friends for a long time now. Think how much his death would hurt you. What makes you think that your death won't hurt HIM so why would you want to inflict such pain on him? And it sounds like the last thing you want to do is hurt him.

If there is one thing that is certain in this life and that we all have in common, is death. But, no one knows precisely when death will come. It is not up to us to decide when we will die. It's not easy ending a life.  What if you try and fail? What then? How do you deal with the aftermath when you are struggling now? You will most definitely be in a much worse position than you are now. You say you are religious, then know that your life belongs to God. Only he knows when your time is up, and it will not be at your hands. So believe me when I say any attempt on your life will NOT be on your own terms.

You say that you feel like you trapped yourself. The good thing about that is since you created the trap, you are also the key to getting out. It can be as simple as keeping a prayer journal. Every time you feel these dark thoughts write them down and then ask God to take them away. We all fall. It's just part of life and part of being human. You just pick yourself up and continue to fight. I know that is not easy, but it is part of maturing. It is through suffering that we learn compassion.

As for food, your stomach is shot and you are going to have to slowly reintroduce food to it. I still strongly urge you to get professional help with your anxiety towards food. In the meantime, I would suggest a microbiotic diet (all liquid diet). It usually consists of blending a bunch of veggies with some fruits into a smoothie, instead of actual meals. It is packed with nutrition, rich in protein and is quickly absorbed by the body (for a while this was all I could eat). You may even be able to trick your brain to see at as "water" since it is a liquid and not food. The point is you have to get some kind of nutrition in your system. If you continue to starve yourself, you will begin to irreversibly store fat and your stomach will grow, and eventually you will lose muscle. You don't want that... I am sure too it doesn't help that you are using meds to get a cheap high. Everytime you do that you are doing serious damage to your stomach and your digestive system.

Things will get better. I don't know what your plans for the future are career wise, but I would suggest you go to college, if you are not in college already. And if possible, move out of the town you are in. Gain a new perspective. I think you would greatly benefit from talking to other gay people. Check out www.glnh.org. They do alot of good work and help gay teens cope with many of the issues you are now dealing with it, and may even be able to provide you with free resources in your area. Again, hope this helped. As always, feel free to write if you need it. :)
by  
Hi, I know its been a little while and I don't know if anybody is still responding to this thread, but I'm back.
Remember how I said my friend was leaving the country for 6 months? Well, he left today. So far I'm not actually too broken up about it. But it's only been a day and I can already feel myself slipping back into some of my self-harming patterns. I'm having trouble eating (more trouble than usual) and I've been thinking about cutting again. I was feeling a lot better before he left, but now I'm afraid I'll start to fall again.
What do I do to stop that?
Profile Photo by goodwill ANGEL24K (33.8k points)   5 12 59
Don't do anything silly like hurting yourself ... It solves nothing. Think instead that 6 months will go by really quickly. Maybe you can set a date to go visit him. I'm sure you will have a lot of fun. You can save little by little so can go. And again, you can always email/Skype/etc... I know it's not the same but it's pretty close. Think that he would not want you to hurt yourself so for his sake try to eat and don't cut yourself. I still think a professional would really be very helpful in battling the anorexia... I'll be here if you want to keep talking
by  
Here's the thing: I'm in lust (the word I'm trying to say rhymes with rust, but starts with an L) with him. Not love, lust. I do love him, absolutely. But at the moment, it's lust. It consumes me and all I want to do is tell him, tell somebody, tell anybody! But I can't. I know it's wrong, and he knows it's wrong. I feel like telling him would help, but I'm afraid he would leave me. I don't know how to make it stop. Do you?
Profile Photo by goodwill ANGEL24K (33.8k points)   5 12 59
So you are attracted to him. Your human - it's normal. I think you are so obsessed with it because you think it's wrong. I completely understand your fear. Does he know you are gay? All I can say is learn to accept yourself. Being gay is not a disease, and you are going to be attracted to other men. Again, I think you are simply in a very closed minded community, and that is part of the reason you feel so bad. I know you will feel better if you tell your friend but you know him best, and maybe neither one of you are ready yet for that. Sharing your feelings here should be a big help. If you join the site you can message me if you want a lil more privacy, but it's up to you. Again, you are not inherently bad simply because you are gay. I would suggest you get in contact with a gay hotline - there are many out there. It will be a huge help since they will perfectly understand what you are going through hope this helped ;)
by  
He knows I think I'm gay, but I'm pretty sure he just thinks it'll pass. If anything, he would just want to help me get past it if I told him I was attracted to him. I'm afraid he might leave me to help me avoid temptation.
I don't think I can accept myself like this. I know it's not a disease, but being gay is wrong. But I love him so much. I don't know what to do about this. On the one hand, I know that staying away from him for awhile would probably help me spiritually. But I might slip back into deep depression and I don't know how I could handle that without him. He's the only thing that saved me last time. What do I do???
Profile Photo by goodwill ANGEL24K (33.8k points)   5 12 59
First, stop hating yourself. Being gay is who you are and there is nothing wrong with it. If others can't accept it that is their problem. Your feelings of attraction to other men are not going to disappear. Just be yourself compassionate and kind. Forgive those who have hurt you and move on. People put you down when they are insecure about themselves. Again, I urge you to seek a gay hotline. It would really help you to hear and know about other gay people and how they cope and are happy. I have friends that are happily married to their partners and who have found a way to MAKE friends and family accept them for who they are. Be strong. You can get through this.

It may help you to tell your friend you are attracted to him. I'm sure you are dying to tell him. And explain to him the same thing you are telling me. You don't want to lose him and if it bothers him you can keep your feelings to yourself. It's natural that if he has been such a good friend and has treated you so kindly that you would feel something for him. But, he too is going to have to learn to accept you. Let him know that your "gayness" is not going away, and as a good friend he should understand that. I'm not sure if either one of you are ready for that though. I would talk to him and tell him how much you appreciate him in your life. I don't know how honest you want to be about your attraction. It all depends how comfortable you are with sharing. If you feel you are not ready to tell him then take your time. But eventually you will have to be honest with him. It's hard I know it's really hard. Please contact the national gay help center http://www.glbtnationalhelpcenter.org/. It is anonymous like here. If you are afraid that they will find you have been to this site on your computer just enter the address in a google search and clear the history after. You really just need to love and accept yourself. Once you do that everything else will be an easy fix. Be confident. Remember you are a beautiful human being and that God put you here for a reason. He also made you gay for a reason. Pray it may help you reach the right decision for you. God doesn't hate you for being gay so why should you hate yourself for it?! Good luck, as always I'm here if you want to talk ;)
by  
I don't just think its wrong because other people tell me it's worng. I honestly believe that God forbids this behavior, these attractions. I cannot be a Christian and accept a gay lifestyle. I understand that these attractions aren't just going to go away, but the right thing to do would be to fight the temptation.

Regardless of that, I told him. He knew, but I was clear about my feelings. He felt the same way I do: that it's wrong. I think it's possible that he's fighting a similar attraction, but I know it can never happen.
He wants to remain friends and do what he can to help me, but he said it would be better if I didn't have these feelings for him.
I know he's right, but I don't know what to do without him. He's my life. But I honestly don't know how I can just get rid of these feelings without cutting off all contact. And I don't want to do that. Not only would I do badly, but I can't honestly say he would be ok if I left either. And he's way more important to me than I am.
I don't have a future with him and I don't have a future without him. I'm not suicidal right now, but I just can't wrap my head around a future at all. What have I got to live for?
Profile Photo by goodwill ANGEL24K (33.8k points)   5 12 59
edited by goodwill
I am exceedingly proud of you for telling him- that took real courage and I doubt a lesser man would have been able to do it. I can only imagine how hard it was to speak so honestly and yet you did it! Seriously, you are my new hero! ;)

With that said, I am sorry but I cannot believe in a cruel God. Why would God place these feelings of love in you, and then say they are wrong? It is intolerably cruel, and it makes no sense with God's message of love. I understand Christ's message to be one of love and tolerance. Being gay is biological; it cannot be changed. Like gender, you are simply born this way. Why if you are created in God's image would he disapprove of you? It is very sad to me that two people like you and your friend who clearly seem to love each other cannot express your love for one another over some societal norm.

I am not trying to tell you to do one thing or the other- only you know what your comfort level is. But it seems perhaps you are not quite ready to accept the fact that these feelings will not go away. And they should not have to disappear in order for you to be happy. It would not be better if you didn't feel this; simply easier for both of you. It is always easier to fit in, but that does not mean it is better. Say you or your friend were to marry women while being in love with each other. True, you would fit in but I guarantee you that no one in that scenario would be happy, even God. If you can't be yourself then you are living a lie, and that clearly goes against God. I have never seen the commandment thou shall not love... Try and remember too that the bible was written by human hand, in a different time. Women were considered property and procreation was important since  children provided a free labor supply.

In terms of a future with your friend, I am not sure that will ever progress further than a friendship. Believe me, it truly saddens me, but I got to be honest. He seems to be in even greater self denial than you. I do think, as well, that he is attracted to you but he is so wrapped up in the notion of it being wrong that he refuses to acknowledge it. I do believe that you can stay friends. You need not talk of your attraction if it makes him uncomfortable. However, he needs to accept you as you are. You can't get rid of feelings, even if you break contact so there is no point in staying away from him. Despite everything your family has done to you, I am sure you still love them. Even though you may not like them, the love won't simply disappear; in part that is why it is so painful when they hurt you. Same with your friend. The feelings will not go away simply because you cannot see him.

Again, please believe me when I say being Christian and being gay are not incompatible. Pray that both you and your friend learn to accept yourselves and one another. He is your first crush, and you will likely always feel something for him. But honestly, you need to meet other gay teens. You are not alone out there. Who knows, maybe you will find love with one of them.... You have so much to live for. Just because your gay does not mean you should have to settle or endure a life sentence fighting "temptation." You can still live a full life, get married- yes to another male- and have kids- you can adopt. So not everyone will accept you or like you, but remember not everyone accepted or liked Christ during his lifetime. Even now some people have a hard time accepting him, or worse twist his message to condone hatred of others. Please try to meet with others; you will soon see that you are not alone. You are not an anomaly and you definitely do not need to change or fight who you are.

Finish school and try to move out from whatever small minded town you are in... Travel, see the world and open up your eyes to a new perspective. I am in no way telling you to give up your Christian faith. It is clearly important to you. I am Christian too, and though I am not gay, I cannot possibly think that God would knowingly condemn so many for no other reason than being born.

It's clear to me that both of you need each other so for now my best advice is to stay friends. Perhaps, some day he will be ready and the friendship can turn into something more. But I don't want to get your hopes up. This still seems a ways from happening. I still think you should hang out with other gay teens, but I really don't know what your community is like or even if you are ready for everyone to know you are gay. Good luck... I think you are doing great and so glad to hear you are not suicidal. You really do sound so much better than when you wrote your first post. As always, I hope this helped and I am here if you want to talk... Sorry for the long reply ;)
Profile Photo by goodwill ANGEL24K (33.8k points)   5 12 59
Hey Jamie,
I hope you are doing well. Have not heard from you in awhile and truly hope that is because you are feeling much better ;) I hope to hear from you soon. As always, I am here if you want to talk.
by  
Hi,
This is going a long posting, sorry. It’s been awhile and a lot has happened. Things are better and worse.
First, I just got back from visiting my friend abroad. We're friends with benefits now, but we agreed on a time when we will end things. We know things aren't going anywhere, but that's ok with me for right now. We both still completely love each other. I've been depressed since I got back because I won't see him for a long time again.
In other news, I entered a program for my eating disorder. My insurance gave me a limited-time agreement, which recently ended, so I'm really missing that support too. But the good news is, I don't have nearly as much of a problem with food as I used to. However, I came out of the process with all sorts of new diagnoses: OCD, PTSD, GAD, and severe depression (although I had that diagnosis before this). I'm working on that stuff, but I really don't have the money to get the therapy recommended. Especially since I had to leave my job temporarily to enter the program. I don't know for sure if I can get my job back, but I'm hopeful.
In addition to all that, my parents are kicking me out of my house in a matter of days. They told me yesterday on the way home from the airport after I got back from visiting my friend. I’m really really scared that I’ll fail and be homeless. I don’t have male friends, besides my best friend and I wouldn't feel right asking to stay with one of my girl friends. Besides that, I wouldn't want to impose either. So it’s sink-or-swim time, but I’m terrified. My parents made it very clear that they will not help me out financially under any circumstances, so I don’t have a fallback (*fall* I have no idea why this is censored *back*) either.
So that’s all the new stuff. Also, I’m still not ok with my homosexuality, though I think I've made some peace with it. I kicked my otc drug habit while in my program, but I've essentially replaced it with cigarettes and alcohol, which are luxuries I can’t afford after I move out. So I think I have some hard times ahead of me. And it may be hard not to go back to the cheaper option. My self-harm urges have been really high, but I've only followed through once in the past months. Still, it scares me.
My religious beliefs are in chaos right now, but that’s a topic for another posting. I’ll just say that I’m incredibly confused.
I don’t know who or what I am and I don’t know how to figure it out. And what if I figure it out and I hate what I am? That’s pretty much the case now, but what if I confirm it?
I don’t think I have any future here. Usually when I feel suicidal it’s because I hate myself or I’m in so much pain that I just need to end it. I am in pain, but when I think about suicide now, it different. I’m considering killing myself because I just don’t have anything to live for. There’s nothing life has to offer that I want. It would just be convenient for me to kill myself. I could avoid all the pain in my future and die with the good memories of my time with my friend on my mind.
I just don’t understand. Where did the beauty and pleasure in life go? I feel like every single thing I do is just one more delay. Nothing makes me happy and there doesn't seem to be any way to avoid plunging back into depression again. Is there something I’m doing wrong? Is there some way out of this? I need help.
Profile Photo by goodwill ANGEL24K (33.8k points)   5 12 59
First off, good to hear from you and I am happy you got to see your friend again. Now, take a deep a breath and just relax a little. You are thinking of all your problems all at once and you are getting terribly overwhelmed... One step at a time ... What state are you in if you do not mind telling me? You can call 211 to find out if you may qualify for some state programs. Do a google search and find your nearest welfare office. Try to make an appointment or plan to be there the whole day to talk to a social worker and see if you can qualify for assistance. There is no shame in getting assistance. You paid taxes when you worked. You may also qualify for housing programs, but again this all depends on your state. Have you given school any thought? Financial aid helps with living expenses as well. Virtually every school offers therapy and medical treatment for its students. Also, there are many universities, special programs that have psychology clinics and you can get treatment at little or no charge. Maybe you can ask the people from the program you just left if they can't continue with treatment in exchange for work. Explain your situation, and tell them you are willing to be a mentor to new members, and do admin work, etc... whatever they need so you can continue treatment. Don't lose hope. ... where there is a will there is a way. You are just going to have to hustle a little bit.

Right now you are dealing with a lot of emotions. You physically expressed your love for your friend and you had been obsessing about it for a real long time. You are going to feel the loss of the connection even more so now. It is normal. There is nothing wrong with you. These other diagnoses are just labels. The solution is the same for all of them - love and accept yourself. Pretty simple but hard to implement. Baby steps...when you get the urge to self-harm come here, and talk it out with us. Join the site and we can message each other privately if you prefer... I am not a professional therapist, but sometimes it helps just to write things out.

The confusion is natural. You are questioning everything, including your whole existence and this is a direct consequence of growth. Every functioning responsible mature adult questions his/her existence at one point or another. It is a logical conclusion of becoming an adult and gaining new perspectives. You do not need to know who you are just yet, you are still on the path to figuring that out. You are a kind and sensitive soul so I have no doubt that you will love who you are in the end. And I know you will be able to help others in your same situation. You have plenty to live for...fight!

I know it is hard asking for help, but we all need it from time to time. Ask your girl friends if they cannot house you at least until you find work. They know you are not taking advantage but really need the help. You are only a failure if you do not try - I know that sounds very cliche and I am sure you have heard it a thousand times. But you will never know what you can accomplish until you try. If you fall, just pick yourself up. Don't think of things in terms of winning or failing - things are never that black and white. Set some short term goals... break things up into smaller chunks so you deal with them more effectively. I would start off by making a list ... I know this sounds silly but it will get you thinking of what you may want to do in life, and the steps to get there.

The only thing you may be doing wrong is overthinking things. It's ok. Things are going to be ok. I would suggest you ask one of your friends if they can put you up for now. It's not permanent and I am sure they would love to help.  Next, I would suggest you do your research. Find out the nice areas and how much rent is and what you think you may be able to pay. Perhaps, one of your friends may be looking for a roommate. When you do get a job, really budget things out. Cut the cigarettes and alcohol... Alcohol is just a bunch of empty calories anyway, and cigarettes cause all kinds of health problems. Neither are worth the price. You do not need any kind of stimulant in your system... You just kicked the habit of abusing otc meds so don't let that go to waste. You can do it - I have full faith in you. Hopefully, you will get your job back, but if you don't - get the want ads. Check out the usajobs website - it lists all available government jobs... I am sure you will find work.

You just got back and got hit with being kicked out so it completely caught you off guard, which is probably also why you are freaking out a little bit. Not much you can do right now - and a lot depends on whether you get your job back. No point in worrying about all this right now. Pray about the whole thing. Don't give up on God... you can give up on religion but never on the belief of God. You do not need a religion to pray. He will listen, and does love you.

Stay strong. I am sorry this was a long a reply and I hope it is not adding to your feeling of being overwhelmed ... need a recap? lol Here goes ... If I were in your situation, I would do the following:
1. ask a friend to crash at her place- temporarily
2. call my old job and see if I can get it back/ find a new job - I would still look for a better job with better benefits
3. try to work out some arrangement so you can continue with the support program you had, which proved to be very successful
4. figure out how much money you need for a place of your own, including the security deposit, and budget monthly expenses... asking a friend to be a roommate may not be a bad idea. You may not want to be completely alone.
5. figure out possible careers ... think of things you love to do.
... I think this is a good start. As always, I am here for you. Good luck Jamie. BIG HUG!
by  
State = CA.
Ok, I may have the job & apartment situation under control.
But you said the solution is to love and accept myself. I don't know how. I know I've asked this before, but how do I love myself? It's not like I can somehow force myself to love me; it wouldn't be real.
The only thing that makes me feel good is alcohol and cigarettes. And hanging out with my girl friends, but I don't want to feel like a burden and keep begging them to spend time with me every night. But I don't want to get rid of the alcohol and cigarettes. Or, if I do, I want to go back to the otc stuff. Because, even if it's chemical, I want something that I can count on to make me feel good. But even when I drink and smoke, I feel guilty about it. Not because of the substance abuse, but because I know I'm spending money I don't have.
As for God, what if I hate Him from making me gay, giving me someone to love who loves me back, and then destroying that possibility? I don't know if I believe Christianity because I was indoctrinated in it or because it's actually true. I've studied all major religions intensively and the only one that truly appeals to me is Buddhism. But I don't know if it appeals to me because there's no god I have to obey. I just don't know what's true anymore.
I don't think I want anything to do with God. It's been a long time since I've loved him. But maybe I think I hate him because I want someone to blame for my life circumstances.
Either way, I have no idea how to love myself and nothing makes me happy. Everything I do is just a delaying tactic. Delay for the next hour, delay for the rest of the day, delay until the weekend, delay until Monday, delay until the end of the month. Delay until I ultimately give up and commit suicide. Why not save myself the pain and kill myself now?
Profile Photo by goodwill ANGEL24K (33.8k points)   5 12 59
Ok, so I am going to try to keep this short, but you are asking a lot of heavy and theological questions so bear with me :)
1.How to love yourself
The easiest way to do this is to stop the cheap highs
You don't need the otc drugs or the cigarettes or the alcohol. For whatever reason, you feel guilty afterwards. Chew some ice or some gum every time you get a craving. Every time you are feeling down go out with friends as you have been doing or watch a movie, listen to music - do something that makes you feel good. There are going to be days when you will feel sad. There are going to be days when you will miss your friend, and there will be days when it will hurt. It is normal. Pain is a part of life just as joy is. Everyone goes through it. But you cannot run away from the pain and self-medicate. It will only come back stronger, and you will end up in a vicious cycle. This is why I strongly urge to get back into therapy. You never know unless you ask, and I am sure you can work something out so you can continue your program. Get checked by a doctor. You may also have a chemical imbalance, which can make you feel worse.
Try to find purpose in your life
You need to find something that gives you purpose, that gives you a sense of connection to this world. I would suggest you volunteer. You can volunteer with gay teen organizations, an animal shelter, or even a soup kitchen. Anything that allows you to help others. It will also give you a new perspective. It will let you see that your situation is not as dire as you think.
Be informed and get educated
Remember, it is through pain and suffering that we gain understanding and compassion. It is perfectly fine to have self-doubt. We all do. I would suggest you think of at least one good thing a day about yourself. I am sure you can find it. Write it down, let them build up. Read them when you feel down. Try to find at least one thing too every day to be grateful, and write it down. If you are not too embarrassed, ask your friends to give you in writing the things they like about you. It is all about changing your mindset. I have been there. I am telling you from experience. Complete your education. It doesn't have to be a 4 year degree, but find something that you love doing and work towards earning a living with it. You have so much potential and you have the ability to fight for your happiness. Please fight.

2. God
Break free of preconceived notions of God and find your own
God is not telling you to hate yourself nor is he saying you and your friend cannot be together. This is a decision that you and your friend have made. Perhaps, you and your friend have been indoctrinated but break free. Work on yourself and gain the confidence to talk to your friend. Make him see that there is no reason for him or you to hide who you are. God is not punishing you; you are punishing yourself. I know that loving yourself sounds simple enough but it is one of the hardest things to do. I think part of the reason you dislike yourself is because you have stopped loving God. Do you think because you are gay means you cannot love him? He still loves you, and he will be there when you are ready to love him back. I still just think that the Christian faith you were raised in was simply too conservative. I grew up in California, as well, and I went to Catholic school all my life yet nothing about my faith tells me you will end up in hell simply for being gay, or that you and your friend can’t be in a loving relationship and still have faith in God.
Stop the hate
Hate is never a good emotion to have so let it go. I can understand your hatred, but realize that the hatred and anger is directed at whatever Christian church said you had to change and fit into a certain mold. It is easy to blame God. But if you do that, then you have made your situation worse. If you place the blame on God, only God can solve your problems, and how will that happen especially when you are not talking to him? There are consequences to your decisions. Every act you make has led you to the place you are now. You alone are responsible for the life you have. It is hard to take responsibility and accept that a lot of our unhappiness has been caused by us. It is even harder to accept that we can change it, especially when it is so difficult to figure out what things are within our control and what things our beyond it. But think how much easier the solution becomes – you are no longer dependent on God or anyone else to take action in order to improve your situation.
Buddhism
Buddhism is a religion based on the premise of cause and effect, and perhaps this is why it appeals to you. Being Buddhist and believing in God is not mutually exclusive. In fact, Buddhism evinces a benevolent creator. It calls you to find your path and reach enlightenment - full acceptance of yourself. It is more a way of thinking than a set religion. You do not need a set religion to continue to believe in God. It is perfectly normal to question the Christian faith you were raised in, especially when that faith is telling you are "bad". But remember, this is just one interpretation of Christianity. And you need not decide whether it is right or wrong, only that it was wrong for you. You need to find a worldview and a notion of faith that works for you. If you have some time, check out The Buddha in Your Mirror by ***** Hochswender, Greg Martin and Ted Morino (Middleway Press).

3. Delaying the inevitable.
We are ALL delaying the inevitable. We all die. True, you may avoid the pain, but you will miss out on all the joy if you kill yourself. Think back to when you first posted on here ... had you done it then you would have missed out on the time with your friend. Imagine what you may miss out on if you decide to end it now. Your time with him is not the highlight of your life or the only good thing that will ever happen to you. My goodness, you are only 20! You want to be able to look back and say you fought the good fight!

4. Programs in California
You may qualify for medi-cal and welfare assistance. It all depends on your income. A welfare office will be better able to help you. With Obamacare as well, you can get health insurance at very little cost to you. Check out http://www.healthcareandyou.org/state/california/ to see what health insurance options are available to you. At 20, the monthly price is very low. You may also qualify for EDD and SSI, it all depends on your condition and how permanent it is. Go to www.edd.ca.gov and www.ssa.gov . To qualify for SSI you must be made permanently disabled. For EDD you just need to be temporarily disabled. You may still be able to collect EDD and work/go to school. It all depends on what your doctor says. You would only qualify for unemployment if your employer let you go, not if you quit. You are also entitled to Cal Grants (money free of charge) to go to school. Both UC’s and Cal States have Psychology clinics open to the public. You just got to search those closest to you. If I think/find anything else, I will let you know.

So I hope some of this made sense and I hope you find a reason to continue to fight. Again, sorry for the long post. … really long post …
by  
First of all, thank you for always responding to me. When I’m really down, it makes me feel good to know that if I post, someone WILL respond. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to thank you, but please know that I am truly grateful. Thank you.
I’m going to try to respond to some of the things you said.
“Break free of preconceived notions of God and find your own.”
I don’t have much of a problem with this, but what if I’m wrong? Christianity tells me that if I decide on my own God, I will go to hell. I've pretty much already resigned myself to this, but choosing your own God or your own interpretation of God is the one unforgivable sin. So what if I’m wrong?
“I think part of the reason you dislike yourself is because you have stopped loving God.”
Why? That doesn't make sense to me; can you please expound on it?
“Every act you make has led you to the place you are now. You alone are responsible for the life you have. It is hard to take responsibility and accept that a lot of our unhappiness has been caused by us.”
I think this is true as well, but my therapists keep telling me that (for example) the abuse I suffered as a child was not my fault. I have always thought it was, but they've worked hard to convince me otherwise and I’m trying my best to believe it. I don’t really understand how to reconcile that lack of control and the possibility of happiness. Normal people get unhappy, and if I don’t have control over my life, how can I possibly expect to be happy? But at the same time, everything I've tried hasn't led to happiness either. So maybe it’s something wrong with me. It’s a thought I always try to stay away from, but how can someone be this unhappy if there isn't something wrong with them?
“True, you may avoid the pain, but you will miss out on all the joy if you kill yourself. Think back to when you first posted on here ... had you done it then you would have missed out on the time with your friend. Imagine what you may miss out on if you decide to end it now.”
I am honestly questioning whether years of pain and suffering are really worth the occasional couple of days or weeks of pleasure. I’ll get to see my friend again over Christmas, but then it’s right back to long-distance. And it doesn't look like that will change anytime soon. And even if it did, he can’t be a permanent fixture in my life. And even if he could, I can’t place all my dreams of happiness on him. It’s entirely unfair to him and it’s more than anyone can live up to, so it won't even succeed. So I still don’t see what there is for me in the future. I’m not actually suicidal at the moment, I’m calmly considering this. And it scares me that my logic can’t figure out a reason for me to live.
The final issue I’m struggling with is coming from current circumstances, rather than your last comment. I feel like I am a burden to my friends. Even when I spend time with them, I feel like they just hang out with me out of pity, rather than any actual desire. So anytime I ask one of them to do something with me, I feel bad. If they say yes, I feel momentary relief, but then I feel bad again for putting them through the burden of spending time with me. If they say no, I feel like they are justified, I continue to feel bad for bothering them, and I feel worse about myself because OF COURSE they would say no! Who would want to hang out with me??? I wouldn't want to hang out with me! In fact, that’s why I ask people to hang out so often; because I can’t stand being alone with myself. There isn't really a question here, but I would like to know how to move past this thought pattern, if possible.
Profile Photo by goodwill ANGEL24K (33.8k points)   5 12 59
Hi
Good to hear from you. Please come here anytime you want … no need to apologize and no need to thank me. I know you need to talk to someone… We are here for you :)

GOD:
You are not deciding or creating your own God. You are only developing your own spirituality. When you find your own truth, you will know. There are many branches of Christianity, many different faiths, but no matter what religion it all falls under the same God. I refuse to believe that only one set of people know the “true” God and are the only ones who will be saved. I think you are too good and kind-hearted to be wrong. Be yourself and don’t go around harming others or clinging on to hate and you should be fine. Just remember that God is love so love yourself and love others. You can only be wrong when you start to think you are God, when you act like God passing judgment on others and condemning them. Check out … It is on the Salem Witch Trials, and that is just one small example of a religious group imposing judgment on others. Innocent women and children were killed in the name of God.

The whole point of life is to learn and grow towards a more spiritual path. You are fighting your path, and it is making you unhappy. When you resign yourself to thinking the only place for you is h*ll, you have created your OWN h*ll. If you are absolutely certain that is where you going, then why would you want to hasten your trip there (kill yourself)? Why wouldn’t you want to make the most out of this life? Don’t be so cryptic and dark. You are not going to h*ll. If you truly want to move past this thought pattern, you need to start thinking differently. You need to start imagining a future for yourself. When you resign yourself to a dark place, you have made your life pointless. In turn, when you feel life is pointless, it makes it UNBEARABLE to be alone. But at the same time, you feel you MUST be alone. You continue to punish yourself.

It seems like God has been a huge part of your life. At one point, you loved him. For some reason, you believe that you cannot love him now because you are gay. Your subconscious feels the loss; it is like losing a good friend. You have a void and the hate has crept in… You don’t want to hurt anyone else, which speaks so highly of you, so you hurt yourself. You feel you need to be punished because you are not “normal”; because you have distanced yourself from God. It seems like for a long time your identity was tied to your Christianity, and now you simply feel lost. It’s ok. Continue your spiritual journey, and let go of the pain in a healthy way.

YOUR FRIENDS:
I am sure your friends do not see you as a burden. I don’t see you that way, and I hardly know you. I am sure they love to spend time with you. Be grateful you have such good friends. You are not pitiful and you are in no way an object of pity. Stop over-analyzing things. They have fun and enjoy your company just as you enjoy theirs. When they say they can’t hang out, don’t take it personal. Call someone else or do something that makes you happy. You really need to start thinking of ways to be more positive. Try to see the good in your life. You have found a place on your own, you have a job, you have great friends and you have experienced love. You are intelligent and caring and deserve to be happy so continue working with through your issues.

It is very smart to not place your dreams of happiness on another. You control your own happiness. If he can’t be a permanent fixture because of HIS ISSUES, then don’t shut yourself out to meeting someone else. True, he is your first love and will likely always have a special place in your heart, but you can still find someone who will love you unconditionally. Besides, you never know what might happen. You cannot unilaterally decide something will fail. When you do, again, everything becomes pointless and once again you are stuck in a dark place. You are worrying about things that have not even happened yet, and may not ever happen. You are going to go insane. No situation is hopeless… It is perfectly ok to ask for help. Continue with your treatment and rely on your friends as a support. You will become closer to them, and let them know you will be there for THEM in their time of need.

RESPONSIBILITY AND CONTROL:
Your abuse was in NO WAY your fault. I do not for a moment mean you caused this on yourself. Unfortunately, you encountered a diseased sick person who took advantage of your innocence. There are things that are beyond our control. A lot of what you feel is tied to the abuse. You have the urge to punish someone for what occurred and unfortunately, you are the only one involved who is nearby and so you punish yourself. In many ways, you probably still feel like that scared child who had no control to prevent or stop the abuse. But you are no longer that scared child. Do not let your abuser continue to hurt you.  My point is that you are ONLY responsible for those things that are within your control. Yes, it is hard to sometimes know what it is you can and cannot control, but you still have to be proactive. You may not be able to control certain events/aspects in your life, but you CAN control how you react to them. Sadly, you were abused but you have the power to decide how to deal with it. You can continue to be a victim or you can fight and regain control. Fight. Maybe you can volunteer with a child abuse organization and help to end the abuse. Educate others on what happened to you, and how to best reach and help those who have gone through what you experienced.

There is NOTHING wrong with you, but you seem to desperately want it to be so… This too is likely because of your abuse. You have blamed yourself for so long you automatically assume something is wrong with you. Change your perspective. Everyone experiences unhappiness – it is simply part of life. Without the bad we would not appreciate the good, and we would never learn and grow. Continue your therapy and believe in yourself. Learn to let the past go, and focus on the good things in your life. Again, YOU need to believe you have a future, and stop worrying about the what ifs. Bad things happen to the best of us. But you can decide what to do about them. Right now, you are deciding to simply not try anymore. You have decided you will go to h*ll when you have no proof of it, and you have decided that you will never be happy. Please do not be so pessimistic. Make some different decisions. Decide to have a future. Decide you are worthy of love. Decide you are deserving of happiness. You may continue to struggle in life, but you need to believe that you can get through it. Really, I think you will start to feel much better once you decide you will have a future and find some goal to work towards.

You have plenty of reasons to live; you just have the wrong perspective. You are only 20, and there are so many things you can do. If you cannot logically find a reason at present, then give yourself one. Live for others, to help others, for your friends … As always, I hope this helped and I am here if you want to talk  :) Please keep me posted
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Profile Photo by goodwill ANGEL24K (33.8k points)   5 12 59

Hey

I have not heard from you in a while .... just checking how you are doing? It has been a little over a year since you first came on here... I hope you are doing a whole lot better. Just wanted to share these links with you - Hope it helps www.lgbtcatholics.net , www.blessedsacramenthollywood.org/mlg

I hope you are doing great. Please let me know :)

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SUICIDE IS NOT A SOLUTION | DO NOT PREDICT YOUR FUTURE | LIVE IN IT
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