What is the point of this life? I've lived 27 years of my life in a state of depression really. Earliy as I remember was since I was 5 years old so make that 22 years ago since I was 5 and always seeing my mom cry everyday because my dad would beat on her. I was young and naive. I had no clue that he was beating her but always seeing her so sad seemed like something I myself have adapted as my own feelings for life. My dad was wonderful to me but I rarely saw a reason to be happy. I grew up traveling a lot so I have no friends even now because people make me feel so insecure even if they aren't trying to. Most of the time they just judge me like I'm a plague of sadness that they might catch if they stay around me too long. I've been bullied most of my life as well as made fun of. Even my younger brother took part and has stabbed me twice in my life. The first time was with a fork when we were little and the second was with a knife when we were teenagers. He's always had a temper problem. I think he was diagnosed with bipolar or something. My mom left my dad around when I was 7 and even though he beat her I didn't know and I thought he was the best thing to happen to me in such a sad life. I lost him forever it seemed like. When I was 11 my mom got remarried and I was raped by her husband's cousin who was in high school. I felt pretty messed up since then. I began seeing things sometimes well a demon I think and I've been drawing all my life mostly things that frightens me like death really. I first thought about killing myself when I was 10 actually. I tried to hang myself in front of my mom. She cried but never got me any help. I have no idea how she couldn't guess I was depressed. My family all thought I was just slow which they'd say behind my back which my brother would tell me after they'd do that. I resented them all of my life because they were so fake and dishonest in front of me. I always have been honest to everyone. Maybe a bit too much sometimes but that's they way this world should really be. I lying is for people who can't except themselves for who they are. I do hate myself but I would never compromise my words or who I am to appeal to another person. I been honestly depressed all my life and I can't help it if that's how I view this world. I just don't belong. I have hobbies obviously since I draw and I also play video games cause to me its a n escape to a different world which I still suck at living in so its still kinda depressing really. I mostly suck at everything except for drawing and math. Everything else I flaw completely in. I can't talk to girls without having social anxiety so I usually make excuses when girls do approach me which is like all my life. I did marry but am separated cause I seem to attract girls who think sex solves everything. I really don't care about that kind of stuff cause life is overall miserable. I've served in the military for 5 years just to get kicked out when I had one more year left to serve if I wanted to leave. I did want to leave though cause they made me stay in afghanistan when my grandfather died. Not to mention afghanistan was also a time my wife was cheating a lot since I was gone. I hated that place and wanted to shoot anybody who got on my nerves but I didn't cause honestly I didn't even want to shoot the enemy cause they were people too. I thought about shooting myself a lot out there. Even wrote a song about wanting to die which I actually tried to follow through with just last year. It was a messed up failure really. Made me feel even more messed up and that maybe I might have caused some brain damage. That was around when I caught my wife red handed and plus I was having images in my head about smashing someone I worked with's head in with my steeltoes. I decided that I just don't belong here. Since then I been really looking for a reason to live but I just don't know. I don't even really feel anymore. It's like I've grown numb to all feeling and numb to this life. I see no reason to exist when I am now out of work cause I left to my home state when I left my wife which has been almost a year and a half now and its cause I am starting to have anxiety around people in general even when going to the store not to mention any interviews. People think I'm off a little bit or a lot, my uncle thinks I'm gay cause I'm not interested in girls anymore which is just my preference to actually be alone, and when I'm alone I still have to face hating myself. I'm going to online college right now and my grades are good. All "A's" but no sense of accomplishment seems to measure to my life's entirety. Not even making it through bootcamp seemed like much to me and I saw lots of people not make it. I have bad sleeping habbits and I sometimes don't eat cause I want to punish myself and sometimes i do eat healthy cause I haven't ate in awhile by choice. I try to listen to music that says something positive and is uplifting. I've even prayed throughout the years cause God's all I've got really.
