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Profile Photo by Alex (120 points)   1 2
Hey, my name is Alex and i`m 14 ... a little young don't you think to be doing all this. Well i`ve been building up to this for a whole 8 months. I appologise for any spelling or grammer mistakes but if i go through and correct it ill end up changing it so you dont get the message correctly.

Ok, where to start .... erm, my family is fine no problems there, my friends are ok but i have a tendency to be a bit of a loner I always prefer to just think and talk to myself. I have a gf, sorta. we only just started dating in writing this, but i aint no love god in fact im pretty freaking ugly and thus lonely. Well sorta, i THINK, to put emphasis on the think. That i have a seperate conciousness to my own, like an over-ride switch but also a background programme... like it just puts a different aspect on things and i have no idea when it started but i noticed it recently, but felt like it for a long time, since i can remember. It has a tendency to do things that are me like aggressive or mean, or stuff just to get attention or a reaction, but then tries to cover it up by erasing it from my mind and it takes extra effort to remember them, and therefore making me tired-er and therefore it happens more. I do/did self harm and i do it now and again but. The reason im here is just for advice.... i mean i get councelling and stuff and as much as i hate it people try and help me, to no avail usally they just get ****** at me and then we are worse than the start. I have pulled some pretty bad stuff in my life, ive even nearly killed someone to make them better, it worked FYI shes fine and now gets help for her problem but durin that time where i had to let my bad out to put pressure on her, i had less of all the bad stuff <when it wasnt needed> and really i started to notice who i really was. And i hated it its all him not me all them things i said where my reputaion and i hated it and if the aggression wasnt in there im sure i would have been bullied. But while i wasnt being bullied by anyone else i was being bullied by him. Flipping my mood making me feel horrible it all happened, and still does. To give an example it makes me feel really really bad to not compliment a woman if i think they`re pretty, about as much as it does for you to kill a cat (for example). I just need some guidence i mean i dont wanna be lonely forever, and i dont feel hope or achevement i act it but nothing internal. and i would reather die than grow old feeling notingbut heartace and nothing and lonlyness.

So i guess if you have an answer or just wanna give your opinion then i will answer you. I just need some guidance and if anyone, god forbid, has ever been where i am now would speak up even some help on how to improve stuff... even the little things I would be unbelievably and eternally greatful, cos i just wanna try cos at the end of the day, quitting is to stop me from losing me and to protect people from him. No matter what you say thats my opinion unshaken by anyone, sorry.

Thank you Alex
also at : lolpik999@*****.com
Country: UK
    

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1 Answer

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Hi Alex,

Sounds llike you have alot going on.  Yes, for a young guy, you are carrying alot of emotions. I hear that you struggle with the thoughts that pop into your mind.. You are being honest and that super important.  Glad to hear that family and friends relationships are good. That's awesome. But I also hear that you struggle with these thoughts. Sometimes, journalling your feelings actually helps you get a sense of control and power over them.  There is a small part of you that wants this struggle to be resolved. You matter! and that's why you took the time to write this post. So, I would suggest that you take it a step further and begin a journal. Write about some of the good days, and yes, also the bad days. But remember that you matter enough to let your loved ones know how you feel and be around them when you feel lonely.

Alex, you are young enough to have so much to still experience but old enough to take some control of negative thoughts, be well, take one step at the time.

Good luck, you are on the right road!

Peace,
Profile Photo by Alex (120 points)   1 2
hey
im sorry to pick with your advice cos its great but... only if you feel things ... im just empty, i only act and thats on half guesses of what i should feel, which can be a very bad formula for reactions .... im just sick of all the **** mounting up against me .... its been bad the last couple of days .... especially today which by chance has to be Christmas :/ im not on the right road at all ... there isnt a moment where i dont think about doing it ... its like being imprisoned inside your head you can either think or control thats the only two options or sometimes neither.... i feel so detatched from everyone like im so excluded ... and what pisses me off the most is people think i do it for attention but i hate anyone even looking at me ive been sat on my bed crying for the past 2 hours about my friends and how worthless i am .. its true that every living human is good but im not living im just an empty vessel carrying him and i dont want to posses that kind of evil. The way i see it i just need to sop it, if i go its nessesary. If i stay a few more people will sleep easier. Its just, the pressure builds and i feel trapped inside myself unable to escape anywhere, like im always being watched and controlled by him ... im sorry if you dont got an answer to this ... or if it broke your one ... its just .. its been a long day and no offence but i think its better ranting at adults <hopefully> that ill never likely to see rather than freinds i have to meet most day s ...
Alex :/

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