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Pretty much since Feb this year things have gone downhill at an alarming rate. But before all that I should tell you I've dealt with severe depression since I was 13. I am 31 now. Though I saw a thearipst or two when I was 16 because of other issues but they didn't help much because they didn't build any trust and I managed to tell them what they wanted to hear. So eventually they didn't see the point of needing to see me. Pointless to do that when I really did want help even back then but whatever, I digress. In Feb I lost my job, due to the company no longer being willing to work with me due to my unknown medical issues that made me miss work at random.

Now bills have more than piled up from that, had to move in with family. Who probably don't even realize that they're emotionally abusive and have been since I was a kid. It's constant 24-7 harping from family about how I can't do anything right, how I don't talk to the doctors, how I have too many bills, how I don't have a job. Though I have unemployment right now it's about to run out and then the insurance I have will be coming out of pocket and that money may last a month or two for that.

I'm isolated from everyone due to the medicine I'm on from the doctors. I can't be with friends. I can't go out. Tried to apply for assistance with SSI but was denied because it was said I could work. The stress, financial trouble, emotional abuse and isolation all lumped on top of everything that's been unresolved for years. I think all those previous thoughts I had about suicide will become more than that. I don't just feel worthless it's almost engrained into my psyche. I'm tired, mentally, emotionally and physically. I want it to stop even if it means taking myself out of the equation.

I know it sounds cynical to say this now but I don't want pity. And I don't want the whole "You've got so much to live for." I don't. I really don't. The fact of the matter is so many people would be much happier if I was dead. Heck I bet they wouldn't even realize I was dead for a few days with how invisible I am to everyone. So geez. What is my question anyway? I guess... would it still be considered suicide if you're already dead on inside? I'm not sure it would be.

sincerely yours,
Country: united states

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3 Answers

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Profile Photo by faith ANGEL22K+ (22.4k points)   3 7 36
Hi, my name is Angel 'Faith' and I live in the UK. it's just before midnight, and I thought I would check on here before I sleep. I have read your message and have to say. I would like to  try and help you ?
I can see from your message that you do not want all the 'Hang on it there answers'. So I say to myself how can I help this person. Will you give me a chance please. The reason is I care for you even though I haven't met you, if you will give me that chance, I would like to hear back from you.
There are a few things to deal with here, but I must ask you to put aside any thoughts of suicide, you are better than that.
Sure you are tired, who wouldn't be after all you have dealt with. I need to try to understand  where you at this moment. I have also suffered depression, which is now under control ,and I am living a normal life, so it can be done. But knowing where you are at this time is important to help you.
I have read your message over and over to see how I can try to help you. If we can get you back to a state of mind that is stronger than it is at the moment, then all the other issues of work and money etc can be dealt with better,but let's  make you priority first, you need your strength back first.
You say you have moved back in with your family, do you have a husband/wife, and do you have any children ?
What is the doctor treating you for at the moment ?
What do you feel you want to change to make you happy.
I am here for you if you want me to be. Sometimes just having someone who cares and willing to listen, can be a help. Please message me anytime.......................Faith
0 votes
Profile Photo by goodwill ANGEL24K (33.8k points)   5 12 59
You are not the undead. As long as you are breathing you are ALIVE. I wish I had some magic words that I could tell you and all your problems would go away. Unfortunately, it does not work that way. You may have to really struggle and fight just to live through the next hour, but it is worth it. I am sorry so many bad things have happened to you. You may not have anything to live for now, but that does not mean it will be like this forever. I am sorry if this sounds a little harsh, but if my death made others happy, I would WANT TO LIVE just to not give them the satisfaction. Make yourself visible again. You have no control over what others will do, but you can control your actions. Don't let others get the better of you. I completely understand your predicament, I TRULY DO, and why you would feel you have no way out. I would strongly urge you to seek professional help, and try to be honest. You sound pretty smart so I can see how you could easily tell doctors what they want to hear, but it will not help you. Maybe you can even convince your family to join you in therapy. It may good for you guys to learn how to better communicate with each other.

As for work, I am not sure in what state you are in, but there are laws protecting you. If you have a disability, by US federal law they must provide reasonable accommodation. I would suggest you contact an attorney to help you with perhaps a wrongful termination suit, and help you file for SSI. You are entitled to appeal the decision. Many attorneys have a free initial consultation, and if they decide to take the case will only take a fee if you receive a settlement. It couldn't hurt to try. You would be no worse off than you are now. As for bills, you have some options. You can call each creditor individually and tell them your situation. Often, companies will accept less than owed, especially if they believe you will file bankruptcy. Your other option is bankruptcy. Again, ask an attorney in your state, or legal aid. You may even check online on how to file.

The insurance system is awful in the US, and yes very expensive. Shop around. You may actually find an insurance company that will allow you to continue treatment cheaper. Check online if there are any other state assisted medical programs you may qualify for. Finally, I would suggest going to a free clinic. You need to continue treatment. Please don't do anything stupid like attempt against your life. You are not worthless and suicide is never the answer. I hope this helped. Hope to hear from you again.
0 votes
Profile Photo by dolphin007 ANGEL24K (297k points)   7 7 12

1. Anima Christi

Soul of Christ, sanctify me; Body of Christ, save me; Blood of Christ, inebriate me; Water from the side of Christ, wash me; Passion of Christ, strengthen me; O good Jesus, hear me; within Thy wounds, hide me; let me never be separated from Thee; from the evil one, deliver me; at the hour of my death, call me and bid me come to Thee, that with Thy saints, I may praise Thee forever and ever. Amen.

2. Prayer Against Malefice from the Greek Ritual

God, our Lord, King of ages, All-powerful and All-mighty, You Who made everything and Who transform everything simply by Your will. You Who in Babylon changed into dew the flames of the ‘seven-times hotter’ furnace and protected and saved the three holy children. You are the doctor and the physician of our soul. You are the salvation of those who turn to You.

We beseech You to make powerless, banish, and drive out every diabolic power, presence, and machination; every evil influence, malefice, or evil eye and all evil actions aimed against Your servant [name of person/s]. Where there is envy and malice, give us an abundance of goodness, endurance, victory, and charity.

O Lord, You Who love man, we beg You to reach out Your powerful hands and Your most high and mighty arms and send the angel of peace over us, to protect us, body and soul. May he keep at bay and vanquish every evil power, every poison or malice invoked against us by corrupt and envious people.

Then, under the protection of Your authority may we sing, in gratitude, ‘The Lord is my salvation; whom should I fear? I will not fear evil because You are with me, my God, my strength, my powerful Lord, Lord of peace, Father of all ages.”

Yes, Lord our God, be merciful to us, Your image, and save your servant [name of person/s] from every threat or harm from the evil one, and protect him/her by raising him/her above all evil. We ask You this through the intercession of our Most Blessed, glorious Lady, Mary ever Virgin, Mother of God, of the most splendid archangels and all Your saints. Amen!

3. Prayer for Deliverance

My Lord, you are all powerful, you are God, you are Father. We beg you through the intercession and help of the archangels Michael, Raphael and Gabriel, for the deliverance of our brothers and sisters who are enslaved by the evil one. All saints of Heaven, come to our aid.

From anxiety, sadness and obsessions, we beg You. Free us, O Lord. From hatred, fornication, envy, we beg You, Free us, O Lord. From thoughts of jealousy, rage, and death, we beg You, Free us, O Lord. From every thought of suicide and abortion, we beg You, Free us, O Lord. From every form of sinful sexuality, we beg You, Free us, O Lord.

From every division in our family, and every harmful friendship, we beg You, Free us, O Lord. From every sort of spell, malefic, witchcraft, and every form of the occult, we beg You, Free us, O Lord.

Lord, You Who said, “I leave you peace, My peace I give you,” grant that, through the intercession of the Virgin Mary, we may be liberated from every evil spell and enjoy your peace always. In the name of Christ, our Lord. Amen.

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If you or someone you know is in an emotional distress or suicidal crisis, please also call:
The Lifeline (US) at 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
The Hopeline (US) at 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433)
National Domestic Violence (US) at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
National Sexual Assault Hotline (US) at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)
Victims of Crime Connect (US) at 1-855-4VICTIM (855-484-2846)
Boys Town (US) at 1-800-448-3000
Dial 211 (US) at 211
The Trevor Project (US) at 1-866-488-7386
GLBT National Hotline (US) at 1-888-843-4564
TRANS Lifeline (US) at 1-877-565-8860
Crisis Text Line (US) Text START to 741741
Samaritans (UK) at 08457 90 90 90
Mind Infoline (UK) at 0300 123 3393
Rethink Mental Illness (UK) at 0300 5000 927
Breathing Space (Scotland) at 0800 83 85 87
Samaritans (Ireland/ROI) at 1850 60 90 90
1life (Ireland/ROI) at 1800 24 7 100
The Lifeline (New Zealand) at 0800 543 354
The Lifeline (Australia) at 13 11 14
NGF Hopeline (Philippines) at (632) 804-HOPE(4673) or 2919
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