You have no right to decide when your life should end. How dare you say you are beyond hope?! Deep down not even you believe it. You wouldn't be here otherwise. Cuss me out, tell me I don't understand but I'm not saying this to be harsh. I say it because I care. Life is hard; life is pain. But remember it could be worse. Have you read some of the posts here? Be grateful you don't have some debilitating illness. Be grateful that at least your problem is within your control. You are the key to fixing it. Im sorry if this may not be what you want to here, but you are the solution to your problems. Focus on the good in your life and let go of the past. It's in the past, you can only change your future. Use your pain to turn it into something good. Use your suffering to become more compassionate and help others. I would suggest volunteering. I can tell you from experience that you will feel better and realize that your life does have purpose and meaning. It is selfish and cowardly to want to end your life when you can so easily make a difference in the world. You sound like a very intelligent and reasonable person. Don't give up.
For whatever reason you have so much rage pent up, you need to vent. I don't know if you are just mad at life in general, or if a specific incident triggered it. Either way, you would greatly benefit from professional help. There is nothing wrong with asking for help. It is not weak or cowardly. It is only weak if you refuse to seek help because you fear what others may think. I know it can be hard to ask for help. I have been there, but know that you are STRONG enough to accept you have a problem and realize you can't do it alone. It's ok. No one will think you are weak, especially those closest to you. Believe me. I'm very good too at hiding my problems from friends and family, and thought as you did. I didn't want to burden anyone with my problems; I didn't want to seem weak. But when I finally asked for help, I immediately felt better. No one thought I was being a baby or weak; instead, I got the support I so desperately needed. It also brought me closer to friends and family.
Try and remember that you would not wish death on loved ones. So what makes you think that taking your life would be ok? You say you hurt for having lost people in the past. Think of that hurt, and realize that you will be inflicting the same pain on others if you selfishly decide to take your own life. I am sure you would not want to inflict that kind of pain on anyone. I hope you realize that death is not a solution; it will only add to the problem. There are people with cancer and other deadly diseases who cling to life and don't lose hope. You may think your situation is hopeless, but it isn't. Don't lose hope. Life is worth living. If not for you, for others. Again, I strongly urge you to seek therapy. No one need know, and remember that sessions are confidential. You can also always come here and vent your frustrations. It is perfectly normal and human to have fears, to be angry. But don't let that fear and anger dictate your life. You are strong enough to continue the fight. Hope this helped ;)