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Ok... I guess iv had alot of change, when I was a teen things happened to me that I still carry with me no matter how hard I try to forget or try to take positive things from them, my step dad who I stopped contact with completely at 19, im now almost 34, was very difficult to live with, he made everyday living hard for myself & my mum & brothers, my mum left him when I was 17, but I left home at 15 but it was so bad, he would bully my mum & I & was violent on occasion, I ended up living in a hostal for a yr before going to Scotland to stay with my grandparents but I was a difficult girl & they got sick of me & sent me back, there was just to many things I felt I had to hide from them, at 14 I lost my virginity because I was raped, by a older male who I knew, not well but I knew him, it took me 2 weeks to tell anyone but I told my mother, I was taken to a centre and did a video interview.... But no one ever told me the out come, I can't talk to my mum about it because our relationship is to damaged, al I no is it went to court but I was never told the out come, over the years while I have been out & about I have seen the man who did this to me a few times, I just walk away very quickly, I don't even think he recognises me, thank god.... Before this at 10 I was sexually assaulted by my swimming teacher, I told my mum, the police came to my house & wrote everything down & he was fired, he was an instructor at a childrens home where the pool was also used for puplic lessons, all I know is he was sacked, also at 14 I stopped caring about myself, I started sleeping with boys & got pregnant, my mum forced me o have a termination, it was the anniversary of that yesterday, I can't forget because its also my step dads birthday, at 17 I ment a boy also 17 & we started a relationship, again I got pregnant, I had a daughter at 18, she's 15 now, my relationship with him was strained, he went into the army when my daughter was just 4 months old, he just left, we split for 3 yrs but when he was home on leave after the 3 yrs we git back together, but he was cheating so I ended it only to find I was pregnant once more, I told him but he didn't care & I didn't c him for almost 2 yrs, I did my pregnancy alone, I had my 2nd daughter who is now 10, she has aspergers syndrome, she was diagnosis at 6 years old, once again I git back together with the father of my girls when my 2nr child was a year old, he had left the army by now, we married but he always cheated, he had 2 sons with another woman, he doesn't see them, I tried to sort out visitation but the woman was difficult & after time I couldn't find her, she kept moving, he wasn't intrested in seeing them anyway, he last time I sorted out seeing his sons he had an affair with her, this was in 2011, when I found out she moved, took her boys and no one has seen ir heard from them since, I stayed with him, I was used to his cheating but inside something in me was dying, in June 2013 I got drunk one night and almost slept with someone else, I felt so guilty I told my husband the next day, he is an aggressive man & scares me when he gets angry, never hit me but would put holes in doors or walls, he would scream at me & threaten me, he was calling me a dirty slag & after a week of it I some how got tge strength to end our marriage, he moved out, but within 2 weeks he had a girlfriends, who he is still with, they live together, we had another daughter in 2006 she is 7 now, the apple of her dads eye, he was there all the way through everything with her so there bond is stronger than the bound he has with the other 2, I moved house after my marriage ended, but I struggled, started to drink, I would cry all the time, I wanted to die...still do, I let my daughters go live with there dad, his new girlfriend and her 2 young daughters, their there still, im completely broke, I can't find a job I have little or no food in so trying to see my daughters was spratic, now my ex has said I can't see them anymore, he told me I should just kill myself & **** off out there lives.... My money issues R so bad im about to move into my brothers house, its a massive house & my mum & other brother live there to... My 15 year old hates me, she swears at me, screams at be, she's angry but i didn't send her to stay with her dad, she told me she was going she chose to live there before i sent the younger to, and thats where i am now..... That's upto today, and i just written this...
    

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1 Answer

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So much heavy baggage you are carrying. A wise person once said, we all have a childhood that we spend the rest of our lives trying to overcome! I know for me that rings true. One area I see serious pain is a rape that was never dealt with. No healing, no empowerment, no peace have you attain from that horrible violation. It is never too late to go to a rape crisis center to get emotional help and healing. I also see a woman who is desperately trying to make a long list of her hurts, disillusionment and regrets. So many experiences where you see only your failures. But there is no such things as failure unless you stop trying. When all you see and focus on is negative, all you will accomplish is poisoning your heart, spirit and mind. This will lead to hopelessness. I would certainly suggest counseling for you. Please seek it. A counselor will help you sift through all of your pain and disappointments. It took me several counselors before I found the one I worked best with. For me I needed empathy, encouragement, permission and accountablility from a counselor. A good counselor will help you deal with what is yours to deal with. Help you let go of what you are not responsible for. And finally come to a place of forgiveness for those who have hurt & failed you. But the hardest person I had to learn to forgive was myself. You know when we look back on our past, especially someone who is 34, we judge and see all the things we could have, should have but did not do. You forget you are looking back at your past with the eyes, knowledge and wisdom of a 34 yr. old woman. When you were living those experiences at 14, 15, 17, etc. you were dealing with them the best you could. I think it was Dr. Phil who said something very powerful. He said when looking back, "You would have done better if you had known better." You did the best you could at that moment in time. That was a huge piece for me when I did my work with my counselor about the anger I discovered I had towards my mother.  You see, my mother would have done better if she had known better, If she had been better equipped by her parents. Once I finally got that into my heart I could forgive her. But I still had to acknowledge the hurt, frustration and pain I felt. My pastor said something equally powerful and true, "You cannot heal what you refuse to feel." You must face it, reveal it, acknowledge it's impact on you and then you can heal it. And the best thing you will find is you will be able to take what was good where now you only see bad. I have so much empathy for you. I didn't share your childhood, but I know the pain of my own. I didn't start working on my baggage until I was 32 1/2 yrs. old. Once I was aware it took me several years to work up the courage to go to work on my hurt and pain. I feared what else I would find. I had become resigned to this is who I was going to be the rest of my life. I didn't know who I would become and sadly I was more comfortable staying right where I was in the mess.  But I can tell you what a friend said to me that gave me the courage and little desire to face it. "Don't you know if allow God to move out all the pain and hurt you will have more room for Him, love and goodness. I want that. I want that so badly. So I went to work. It was probably some of the most difficult work of my life. But oh the things I learned, the wisdom I gained, the grace developed in me and the compassion that now flows through me to others was worth all I had to go through to get healed! One encouragement I want to give you about your daughter. My father was an alcoholic when I was a child. He loved the bottle more than he loved me. That cause me pain that grew into anger, hatred and resentment towards him. But as I did my work I came to a place of forgiveness. My father and I healed our relationship. I was 42 years old. He became a better father to me as an adult than he did when I was a child. I was also able to look at him with understanding, because I was an adult with some tough life experiences of my own. I had him as a father for the last 15 years of his life, and I stood at his bedside when he died completely and freely loving him. I miss him as I write this to you. Had you told me that when I was 31 yrs. old, I would have told you no way in Hell would I ever forgive my father. Thank God I was wrong. There is always hope. It is never too late to heal an important relationship. The one thing I admire my father for was he never gave up. He never stopped trying, and he took all the hatred I dished out. He forgave me for being too young to understand. Don't let go of your daughter no matter how hard she pushes against you. Give her time to grow up. Give her time until she is 31 or 42 to figure it all out. There is hope. And it isn't over until you take your last breath! Stay in her life the best you can. Don't miss birthdays. Don't miss telling her you love her. She may act indifferent or impervious to it. It still goes into a child's heart. A child always wants their parent no matter how good or bad that parent is. Get help. Please dear lady, seek help. I finally went to a Christian church. I was raised Catholic, but would never go back to that faith. But I did have a friend who encouraged me to attend a Christian church. One that taught grace not works. I found some of my best support there. But more importantly I learned about God. A good God who was crazy about me. Who is so in love with me even when I can't stand myself. In His Word, the Bible, it say in Jeremiah 31:3 "I (God) have spoken to you in the past saying, 'I have loved you with an everlasting love and I have drawn you with loving-kindness.'" It was the first time I ever knew I was truly and deeply loved. I had never known anyone who loves was everlasting, and I needed to be love so much! There is a lot of healing in God's Word. I know that is where I have found mine. I pray for you to have courage and come to a place of peace.

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