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I can't stop thinking i'd be better off dead

+1 vote
4,986 views
asked Feb 26, 2014 by anonymous  
To everybody else i'm the happy, fun girl that doesn't take things too seriously and doesn't think too deeply. This is the persona I have built over many years to conceal my true feelings of deep inadequacy, fears of abandonment and trying to block out years of physical, mental and emotional abuse.

I am gentle and I am kind and the only thing stopping me from killing myself is fear of hurting my loved ones and fear of god. I know its not the answer and I know there are others worse off than me but I can't help thinking that death is the answer. Every day I commute about 40 miles to work on the motorway and I keep thinking what if I just let go of the wheel, I don't know why i'm writing this and telling a bunch of strangers this. I don't think these feelings will ever leave me, but I wanted to write this and to let those of you reading this who are feeling like ending things know that I will try to get things right again tomorrow, I will smile again tomorrow and so will you. Being beautiful, being smart, being successful isn't what gives you courage, carrying on, feeling imperfect in a world that wants us to be perfect is courage, hanging in there, alone in the darkness, in the deepest night of despair is what gives us courage. Reading your posts make me feel like i'm not alone.
Tonight I light a candle for you all, let my little light shine into your darkness, let a strangers love for you give you the strength to try again tomorrow and may god grant you serenity and peace of mind in the hope that one day we will all smile again and mean it.

my love to each and everyone of you that suffers with these feelings ***
Country: uk
    

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10 Answers

0 votes
Profile Photo answered Feb 26, 2014 by HOPE ANGEL24K (61,970 points)   6 11 36

I see the light, feel your strength and love ...

The sun is under tremendous pressure and it is burning inside, but it keeps sending us light and has his "arm" around us all the time.

 

God bless you, Angel!!

........................................................................................................................................................

+1 vote
answered Feb 27, 2014 by anonymous  
I dont know you and you dont know me. But once in a blue moon you enounter someone that trancends words and all meaning. After reading your post i have to thank you for your strength and honesty. Please do not let your percieved inadaquacies cast a shadow and bring down some one as rare as your self. Never let go of that wheel. As selfish as this is for me to say and i'm certain i am not alone in this sentiment, we are not ready to let such a light go.

One lost soul to another i wish to simply thank you.
commented Feb 27, 2014 by anonymous  
Sometimes we find strength in our darkest moments and I'm so glad that my words resonated with you,  I thought it would just get lost much like my spirit but if yours is lost and mine is lost perhaps in this special little place in nothingness we are both found...

I guess even when we feel certain of it none of us are truly alone in our suffering, thank you for being my reason to smile today xx
0 votes
answered Oct 16, 2015 by anonymous  
I just wanted to let you know that as I am writing now that's exactly how I feel now that I'm better off dead than alive, I feel like I keep trying to succeed and make my late mama proud of me the harder I try the more I fail and stamble.  My heart is over clouded with so much pain I feel like a walking ****** already. I pray but all this pain I feel like god don't love me he don't listen to me, course if he did my heart, my soul wouldn't be so much wounded and clouded with pain and sorrow. I don't even know which pain is worse than which. Heap story of my life.

Thank u for this post
South Africa
commented Jul 31, 2016 by Harsh but true  
People act like they care. Truth is they probably do but if you were gone they would get over it. A mass suicide would be the best way to go. It would make more of a statement for why or when your gone and people would remember you more. Not that it matters Because you would be gone.
+1 vote
answered Oct 17, 2015 by BAck2life  
You sound like a great person, please hang in there. You have depression, you need to talk to your doctor first. Please go again, if you have already been. You will need to find someone to confide in and tell them how you have been feeling. I know how it feels to want to end your life, I have been through so much hurt in my life too. The answer is not suicide , could you imagine how you would feel if one of your loved ones ended it all? Think about that for a good few minutes!!, You need to change the way you think, thought by thought, day by day week by week. After you have seen your doctor, Start by waking up in the morning and speaking positive words out load. This might feel strange at first but in time it will help you, trust me, it saved my life!!!!!!! Say, I love myself, god loves me, god has a good plan for my life, I have some problems but god is with me and he will help me solve each one, my best days are ahead of me, I am getting healthier every day, good things are happening in my life, gods love is all around me. Repeat these words over and over again all day, write them down and  carry them with you everywhere you go. It will take time to heal your mind but just keep saying these magical words and pray to god, ask him for help. II pray that god sends his ANGELS TO HEAL YOU RIGHT NOW, I PRAY THIS IN JESUS NAME, AMEN.
+1 vote
answered Apr 1, 2016 by anonymous  
Hello,
Your probably not going to believe this. But I bet most people put on a persona to get them through life. If you went into a pub, for example. Most of them people are putting on an act. They're not showing the real "them" to the wold.  

As you live in the uk,  have you tried asking the doctor to put you on the list to see a councillor.
They are fantastic.  
Instead of blocking out as you say past events. The power of getting  it out, is life changing.

I had something I lived with for decades. Nothing would drag it out of my mouth.  But I had issue after issue.  Year after year...
Then one day I said it out loud to my councillor.  I'm not saying I was better the next day, I think I panicked, first reaction.
But VERY soon after, it went further &  further to the  back of my mind.
So no longer was it at the front with everyday thoughts or the dread I got when I woke up every day.
It was going into my past where it belonged.
 I can actually think of it & not feel ill now.  I would never have believed this possible.

I think you sound like a clued up, lovely person. Who needs someone to help them put things into perspective.

It's possible, believe me.
Many best wishes.
+1 vote
answered Apr 4, 2016 by cyclebreaker  
Childhood trauma and the resulting mental illness is hard enough to navigate without any support. Even tho I have been married for 18 years and have been an excellent wife and mother, I can not catch a break. My husband is narcissistic and insists that everything is my fault. My sickness and the flashbacks/panic attacks, my fault. Every difficulty with the kids, my fault. He shows me no respect, so the kids don't, my fault. Am i supposed to let them walk all over me? When I stand up for myself, only on issues that matter, I am attacked. It is not my job to pick up others garbage, have everything I own be up for grabs wile they remain selfish with their things. Other people in this house are capable of making food and doing dishes. I am invisible. Any needs I express are shot down, no matter how basic. I don't deserve a honeymoon, time alone or compassion. I am the mom, that makes me the official scapegoat for everyone. I am valued by my family as maid, cook and sex slave with no rights to my own happiness. Death seems the only answer as every desperate plea I make to matter to someone falls on deaf ears. I am merely a piece of meat used and abused to fulfill my families needs. Re-reinforcement of the lessons I learned as a child I was trying to forget.
commented Apr 8, 2016 by anonymous  
edited Apr 8, 2016
Hello cycle breaker.
I posted the message just above yours, which I've just read.
My heart sank when I read it. I felt so sorry for you.
Is it possible for you to talk to a councillor.
Reading your letter made me think of my relationship with my husband. Which was bad. He was controlling & bad tempered.
I'm not saying it was as bad as your describing your life.  I don't  know. From my perspective it was bad.
He would put me down, shout at me, call me names.
I dreamt of getting away. But had nowhere to go.
 Plus I had a big problem from when I was younger, before I met him.

A long time after the counciling sessions ended. I was feeling like a huge weight was gradually lifting off my shoulders. So I could see my husbands problems now or why he was 'nasty' .
I couldn't before, I could just see a blackness in my life.
But I now saw a stressed man. He was bringing his stressful job home.
I realised I couldn't change him, by reasoning with him.
So I changed how I reacted round him.  If he shouted I talked back calmly, if it continued I walked out of the room/house.
I forced myself to be cheery, calm, upbeat.
I was doing this for me not him, for my peace of mind, however.
He now is the person I remember from when we first got married. Yes we have a blip once in a while. But it's liveable with now. We all have moments like this.

I'd never expect anyone to stay with someone who is violent though. You never said it was.
But mental cruelty is as bad.

But try look to see if it's fixable. It might be, it might not.
My problem was ALLOWING  my husband/people to treat me like rubbish.
(Cos I'm actually stronger in social situations now)
I was allowing it cos I was so beaten down, with this problem I'd been dragging around for so long.

We sometimes feel we are put on this earth  to help other peoples lives run smoothly,  they're having a ball while we are put upon.
It doesn't have to be like that. This is your world as well & your an important part of it, your an important part of your childrens world, your husbands as well I bet. You are important &  a good person.

If you've had a traumatic problem from way back, is there anyone you could talk to like I did. I really hope so.

Don't feel alone.
Best wishes
0 votes
answered Jun 1, 2016 by anonymous  
May the gods bless you for bringing a spark of light to the darkness.
I've felt so alone in a world so full of people for such a long time, thank you for touching my life and for finding the courage everyday.
commented Jun 1, 2016 by anonymous  
Hey there, it's been a little over 2 years since I wrote that post. Reading it back was weird, it took me right back to those feelings of despair, sadness and loneliness... But I am not that person anymore. For sure I have bad days and there are days where I romanticise about ending it, but I feel so much stronger. I got through the pain and the darkness!! I got help, I went back to my therapist and I tried mindfulness. For the first time ever something helped me. It's was a book by Tara Brach called True Refuge, she has a pod cast too and they are free. Let me tell you that this one simple piece of knowledge helps me even to this day, it's a Bhuddist belief that in life we will experience a thousand sorrows and a thousand joys and these will pass through us and touch us but they will also leave. We should act as guest houses to these sorrows and the joys, accepting them and tending to them as guests when they visit us. Nothing is final, no feeling, no despair, no pain it all ends. The key is not to give up. I'm so glad I didn't give up almost two years ago when I wrote this and I am the happiest imperfect person I have been for a long time. I just want to give you all hope that with the right support and the right knowledge we can take back the power and be in control again. You are all such beautiful special souls, you've already shown you have courage, fortitude and strength because you haven't given up. Light a candle for yourselves tonight my friends for you all possess the power to light up your own darkness. I pray for each and everyone of you. Lots of love and blessings ***
0 votes
Profile Photo answered Jun 2, 2016 by Cherico Resurreccion (140 points)  
You seem like a nice person.. I think your just looking for someone to light things up for you.. death comes for everyone,, don't be eager to meet death this early.. It will come, but first enjoy life the way it is.. life is good,, isn't it nice to have something to remember when your at the after life.. all this will become yesterday and yesterdays become happy thoughts.. smile, feel the wind, the pollution in the air, see the sky.. all this are gifts for you,, make happy memories.. be with someone,, i know i don't know you but I hope you find peace..
0 votes
answered Mar 6 by Bill Burke  
I am feeling the same way right now. I'll say a prayer for you and then maybe we can overcome this feeling of utter dismay.
I hope tomorrow brings you a better day and a smile.
0 votes
answered Jul 6 by Julie  
I know how you feel. I am struggling with  PTSD and Generalized Anxiety. I have really hard times when I just want to end it all and I feel so tired. After reading your post I regained a little strength. We all have hard times and I think if we would just learn to help each other through them, we would all be better off. USA

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