Living a great life, very positive, very progressive, but depressed still. Tips?

Question

I've had severe depression since I was 13 or 14, not sure which now. I'm now 25, living life with my boyfriend of two years, two amazingly sweet dogs, I have a job that pays for food, bills, and rent, and I feel like I couldn't ask for any more. I was raped when I was 13, abused by my mother, nearly killed by my mother, went homeless at 18, and got as far as I did. I'm proud of myself. I'm seriously living an amazing life.
But my depression is chronic. My house is in shambles because my boyfriend works often and I can't get my **** up after I get home from exhaustion at work, thus leaving the house a mess. I sit in front of the computer most days, and realized that's part of what's bringing me down, so I've cut back. I've established a healthy community for myself in a game world. I keep in touch with many friends in real life as well. I've gotten into exercising and have been keeping up with it. I've been telling myself no excuses for ANYTHING and have been keeping up with that as well. I smile whether it's fake or real because I have to be realistic and understand that life isn't bad right now.
I haven't been on medication in seven years. I was on some hard stuff so I'd like not to go back.
All in all, my depression is still there. I'm trying to live with a 1ton weight. I'm doing great. But I'm worn out, tired, and if left alone long enough, my mind eventually just wanders to "if I were dead..."
I have no intention to die. It might be lame but my multitude of suicide attempts all failed. I feel destined to stay on Earth alive. But  I'm sure you can understand that it's unnerving having those thoughts while watching comedy shows or while playing with your dogs or while being intimate.
My depression is seriously butting in everywhere and I think it's time that I ask for some advice and stop trying to deal with this on my own. Any ideas, tips, and suggestions are all welcome. Especially those that can provide me with possible free help from my area (North Jersey, US).
I've been hospitalized numerous times as well, I might add. They were of no help and I do believe I've been at my worst in hospital situations. I'd like not to return and would not like to use the crisis hotline in my area as they disregard all that you say and just immediately send an ambulance to ship you off to the hospital against your will.
Thanks and thanks again.

Answer 1

Hi there,

it sounds as though you are really struggling at the moment. Given how many positive things you are doing to try and find a way out of this dark pit of depression, and how much good stuff you've got going on in your life, it's no wonder you are becoming frustrated and weary of feeling like you are carrying this horrible weight on your shoulders all of the time.

A couple of things struck me about what you had written. Firstly, you mention that you try to put a 'brave face' on for others- you smile whether it's fake or real- because, on some objective level you feel that you SHOULD be happy. I wonder, though, if putting this mask on, pretending to be or to feel something that you aren't, comes at a cost in terms of impacting negatively on your mood and putting a barrier up between yourself and other people. It sounds as though, really, you don't feel entitled to feel as rotten as you do, and hence you feel bad for feeling bad, resulting in a sort of loop of negative emotions.

You mentioned that you experience suicidal thoughts from time to time but that you feel unable/unwilling to contact any sort of local Crisis hepline as you fear that this may result in hospitalization. I was wondering if you had heard of the Samaritans in the UK? They operate as a completely confidential, non-judgemental listening service (so they don't give advice, they just give you space and support to explore your feelings) and their volunteers are used to supporting callers who are experiencing suicidal feelings. There is some more info. about this organisation here: www.samaritans.org . Since you live in the US phoning them probably won't be an option, but they do also operate a free-of-charge email contact service which might maybe serve as an avenue of support for you?

I'll be thinking of you and sending good vibes across the ether (from the UK to the US- that's a lot of ether!).