Dear God, I am writing this hoping you will answer because I feel like my prayers are not heard. It hurts to breathe, I honestly don't think I can take this hurt, anguish, despair, hopelessness anymore. I have lost all desire, I don't have any dreams or passion anymore. For the past three years it has all slowly faded away & now its all gone. You know before then, I always tried to keep a smile on my face, say one day at a time, there's a reason for everything, I always tried to look at the glass as half full not half empty. I can't anymore, it's not in me. I just don't understand, I know that I was never perfect & didn't always make the right choices but honestly after 42 years why can't I have some happiness, some goodness in my life? I just don't understand why I was born, what was the point, the purpose? I know that we are all sinners but I just can't believe that You would create someone to only know lack, disappointment, sadness. All of the little successes in life that most people have & do I haven't been able to experience . I come from a broken home since I was 5, I don't have parents who care about me or anyone for that matter, who really cares about me. Although I could have been married 4 times now I never thought it was the right person. I always thought You would let me know, that I would feel it & know if the right person came along. So I don't have a husband, I don't have children, after working hard for over 14 years at the same family business I no longer have a job & have been unemployed for 3 years & have no income, I don't have my health as 4 years ago I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis & fibromyalgia, I no longer have a car as I had to sell mine to try & catch up on bills a pay the mortgage on my condo (which was 1 life success that I am thankful for, purchasing my condo) but with no income I am now 2 months behind on my mortgage, 3+ months behind on my association fees, no money for electric, food, medication & everything else needed to live & no where to turn, no where to go. My best days are supposed to be in front of me, not behind me & yet I am worse off than I ever was my entire life. All of the things I overcame, the sexual abuse, moving out & being on my own since I was 17, all to lead to this? I don't get it, I am angry, I am scared because all I think of is dying, step over the balcony railing or the bridge & jump, take the knife into the bathroom, get in the bathtub & slit my wrists....I hate those thoughts I am so scared, what if one day those thoughts turn to actions. Please forgive me God I am so sorry & I so desperately don't want those thoughts, those feelings but they are consuming me. Please God, I beg of You to take them away, give me some relief, some goodness, I want to feel & receive the truth of Your word, I always have believed in Your word but have always felt that for some reason I was excluded from Your word, Your blessings. Please forgive me! I feel so dead inside & so confused, I just don't know how I could possibly continue to breathe under these circumstances because after 42 years & 39 of those years trying to have the right attitude & do the right things (not saying I was perfect & didn't make mistakes, I know I did) this shouldn't be, life should not be like this & I am so broken. I just can't make any sense out of anything! Please God, please help me, I don't want it to be to late! My mind & my body hurt & I need the pain to stop!