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+2 votes
long story well not that long considering.. in which even I dont fully know why I am the way I am, good place to start.. the begining..

My Father an abusive man, always taking it out on my mother, most of the time with his fists.. even while pregnant with both me and my brother..  my brother died after only a few days here, for years I've regarded him as the "lucky one" a year or so later I was born.. my mother saint as she is.. stayed with him for a few more years, I know im a tad crazy, you would be to if you were in my shoes.. but him, and his family ugh they are all psycho guess it all started with his mother.. anyways, not my story, where was I, o yeah, I was 5, day he left for australia in which I had not seen him in quite some time, we went out the back, played catch, I dropped the ball, he walked up to me and gut punched me.. I ran inside and hid behind my mother. she told him to get out.. he did.. thank god.. well.. not sure about that.. it may of been better if that was the end of my story.. I started school, got bullied practically from the get go, never stood up for myself, ever. it was hard for my mother, being a single parent and all.. she couldnt exactly force me to take care of myself, and so from a young age I never really did, wasnt long before I started staying home from school, yelling screaming, locking myself away, saw a few shrinks over the years, basically in one ear out the other.. during which time I wasnt a very nice son.. apple dont fall far.. I didnt beat her up if thats what your thinking.. but maybe that would of been better than the mental abuse.. maybe it would of seen me shipped off to somewhere... I hate what if's.. so then.. I had few friends, they saw my abuse first hand, we were young, stupid and.. yeah, I was stupid.. I encouraged them.. not sure when she started drinking wine everyday, but 25 years on and she still is, and I still live here.. I left school first chance, 16 tho if ya think about it, all those missed days, perhaps 12 or 13 really.. got on the benefit, welfare, and 15 years later, here I am.. my mothers all I have.. im the black sheep in the family
and I avoid family gatherings as much as possibly 99% of the time, im talking my mothers brother and his family.. last time I went, I said to my uncle who has a house on the beach, wish I had a house like this, he went nutz, calling me lazy, a dreamer, no doubt, I know this, I've never had any motivation, any confidence, much of anything at all, cept a few decent friends, who have all got their own lives and wives and things now, so yeah there I was, balling my eyes out, well, not balling, but ya know.. few tears, as he ranted on at me for 20 minutes, other family came out.. I bet people on the beach heard, im so ashamed.. so embarresed, well I was, I got drunk that night, it helped, it also helped me get it free due to my mothers sympathy.. I smoked pot for years between 16 and 20 something, I only stopped because I lost my contact.. in the end I consider that to be a good thing.. but shortly after I turned to drink instead, top shelf, once a week kinda thing, it progressed into sometimes 2 or 3 bottles a week.. just recently mind you.. helps wash away recent memorys, and makes me feel good, also it definitly helps me sleep at least those few nights really well.. but besides that, I dont do anything, go anywhere and hardly see anyone, not even my mom, for as long as I can remember, we have never really talked.. maybe once in a blue moon for like a few minutes, in between tv ads, she loves her telly as much as I do, or at least, I used to, now eh. shes a really good woman, been through alot, even before she met my dad. I dont know the half of it probably, dont think I want to, shes almost 70, has smoked and drank wine for well.. at least 30 years.. I'm afraid I'm going to lose her at any moment and I'll still be where I am now, I think my heart would give out, people actually really do die from heartbreak all the time.. I can imagine.. but what if I dont.. then what, I still dont take very good care of myself, mom bought me this awsome, HUGE childrens bible as a kid.. wrote in it and everything, as a mixed up teen, I said to god, show me your face now or I will burn it and never come to you again, It burnt.. well partly, it was huge, I couldnt be bothered and just dumped it in the trash, yup another scar.. ***.. *** heh.. I would still feel the same if it were any other bible but that one was extra special.. I saw this christian thing on tv one morning, this little girl while sitting in a group of other kids asked the pastor during question time, something like would god take me if I really wanted to die, I was shocked at her question, and at his answer abit, he said yes.. true or not, it wasnt for me, tho I dont know at what age I started thinking about being dead, as a youngster late at night I would go into my mothers room crying, wondering about eternal life, or eternal nothingness. neither prospect sounded good to me.. im not sure I ever came up with which I would like more, I pretty much have now.. pretty much eternal nothingness, non existance has my vote. I have been nothing but a strain and a pain to my mother since I've been born basically, you'd think that would motivate me..  I tell her I love her tho I almost never show it, shes always been there for me if I ever needed her, im just stuck, its basically groundhog day, and has been for well.. ever..  as for the 3 or 4 shrinks I saw for a time throughout my life.. I listened, I spoke, I guess I learned, but I never did anything about it.. everytime I have tried to help myself I fail, I last an hour, a few hours, I joined karate for a day.. kickboxing, same thing.. I started chatting to this girl online a few weeks ago.. it started off great, the next day I got drunk, spoke to her, it went even better, a few days later, I got drunk, spoke to her, again it was all good, except for the fact I was forgetting everything we were talking about and I felt I basically couldnt talk to her without as I'd be a differnt guy, more quiet, less talkative.. so anyways, things went down hill and fast.. not surprisingly, but yeah I know its for the best.
if I died now.. I doubt I'd get to heaven.. if I did, I'd still be me, I used to think dying and going to heaven would solve all my problems, I'd fly high in the sky and do all sorts of cool things but now.. I know, I'd still be alone. its strange.. it would seem thats what I've wanted all along huh, I cant say it isnt. but yeah, theres really no point in being here at all, there are huge gaps in my memory.. from the pot, plus the all the drinking, whos to say, maybe there just wasnt much to remember anyway.. as god hardened pharohes heart, I need him to do something similar to me.. cant say I dont often pray he will.. then again, god helps those who help themselves.. I cant really say me being here, writing all this is a form of helping myself, I dont expect an answer or a solution, just a little release I guess.. anyways, thanks for listning to the story of my life, you basically got it all.. if your still here, heh thanks and sorry for wasting your time. ****.. am I really going to submit this.. ugh.. yeah, let me just find and remove that one line..
Country: New Zealand

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3 Answers

+1 vote
Profile Photo by Ellison ANGEL2000+ (2.1k points)   1 6
Brother, no matter what happened to you in the past God has a plan for you. That's why you are here. He wants nothing but good for you. Believe me when I say that everything you're going through and have been through is in a sense a resume for you to help someone later in life. I understand what you're going through. I didn't have a relationship with my dad until I was about 19. Hardly ever saw him. I ran the streets and got in all sorts of trouble, dropped out of school at 15and by the time I was 18 I had been arrested numerous times, had a child, been stabbed, almost killed many times,been sent away to a boot camp for troubled youth. By the time God had gotten my attention I had been incarcerated twice more as an adult. But when God comes you really feel the difference. You have to seek Him because you know without Him something's missing in your life. You have to seek Him in spirit and truth. I've asked to see His face and I havent but I do feel His peace. Even through your trials give Him thanks. He hasn't brought you home yet because He has things He wants to do for you and through you. Your experiences are training for your prosperous future but you have to stop magnifying your problems and magnify God. He is bigger than any situation. You have to put that in your heart and hold dear to it. Faith is believing with all your heart in something unseen. Faith is His only requirement of you. He can make a change but you have to be receptive of it. You have to change how you are thinking. You are more than a conqueror. Everyday repeat that to yourself. Tell yourself "God loves and favors me", believe it and thank Him for it. He's faithful. He won't let you down I promise, He promised. If you wanna talk I'm here just message me. I'll pray for you. Jesus loves you and so do I. May God bless you. May He keep you. May He look down and be gracious to you. May He give you His peace. May He show you His love forever. In Jesus's name, Amen Jeremiah 29:11 NLT For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
0 votes
Profile Photo by faith ANGEL22K+ (22.4k points)   3 7 35
Hi, I have read your message and have to say I think the last part of your message was the best bit you wrote.
"writing all this is a form of helping myself".
I think by putting down in witting all your problems gives you the chance to see what exactly your life has been like.
Only you can make things right. Are you man enough to put your life in order and make up for the things you know you should right ?
I know this answer is harsh but I feel if you understand the meaning behind it you will take it in the way it is meant and that is to help you, help yourself.
The past is the past and you cant change that, but you can do something about now and the future.
If you wish you message be back, I will be here for you, because I care................ Angel Faith
0 votes
Profile Photo by dolphin007 ANGEL24K (284k points)   7 7 12

1. Anima Christi

Soul of Christ, sanctify me; Body of Christ, save me; Blood of Christ, inebriate me; Water from the side of Christ, wash me; Passion of Christ, strengthen me; O good Jesus, hear me; within Thy wounds, hide me; let me never be separated from Thee; from the evil one, deliver me; at the hour of my death, call me and bid me come to Thee, that with Thy saints, I may praise Thee forever and ever. Amen.

2. Prayer Against Malefice from the Greek Ritual

God, our Lord, King of ages, All-powerful and All-mighty, You Who made everything and Who transform everything simply by Your will. You Who in Babylon changed into dew the flames of the ‘seven-times hotter’ furnace and protected and saved the three holy children. You are the doctor and the physician of our soul. You are the salvation of those who turn to You.

We beseech You to make powerless, banish, and drive out every diabolic power, presence, and machination; every evil influence, malefice, or evil eye and all evil actions aimed against Your servant [name of person/s]. Where there is envy and malice, give us an abundance of goodness, endurance, victory, and charity.

O Lord, You Who love man, we beg You to reach out Your powerful hands and Your most high and mighty arms and send the angel of peace over us, to protect us, body and soul. May he keep at bay and vanquish every evil power, every poison or malice invoked against us by corrupt and envious people.

Then, under the protection of Your authority may we sing, in gratitude, ‘The Lord is my salvation; whom should I fear? I will not fear evil because You are with me, my God, my strength, my powerful Lord, Lord of peace, Father of all ages.”

Yes, Lord our God, be merciful to us, Your image, and save your servant [name of person/s] from every threat or harm from the evil one, and protect him/her by raising him/her above all evil. We ask You this through the intercession of our Most Blessed, glorious Lady, Mary ever Virgin, Mother of God, of the most splendid archangels and all Your saints. Amen!

3. Prayer for Deliverance

My Lord, you are all powerful, you are God, you are Father. We beg you through the intercession and help of the archangels Michael, Raphael and Gabriel, for the deliverance of our brothers and sisters who are enslaved by the evil one. All saints of Heaven, come to our aid.

From anxiety, sadness and obsessions, we beg You. Free us, O Lord. From hatred, fornication, envy, we beg You, Free us, O Lord. From thoughts of jealousy, rage, and death, we beg You, Free us, O Lord. From every thought of suicide and abortion, we beg You, Free us, O Lord. From every form of sinful sexuality, we beg You, Free us, O Lord.

From every division in our family, and every harmful friendship, we beg You, Free us, O Lord. From every sort of spell, malefic, witchcraft, and every form of the occult, we beg You, Free us, O Lord.

Lord, You Who said, “I leave you peace, My peace I give you,” grant that, through the intercession of the Virgin Mary, we may be liberated from every evil spell and enjoy your peace always. In the name of Christ, our Lord. Amen.

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