long story well not that long considering.. in which even I dont fully know why I am the way I am, good place to start.. the begining..
My Father an abusive man, always taking it out on my mother, most of the time with his fists.. even while pregnant with both me and my brother.. my brother died after only a few days here, for years I've regarded him as the "lucky one" a year or so later I was born.. my mother saint as she is.. stayed with him for a few more years, I know im a tad crazy, you would be to if you were in my shoes.. but him, and his family ugh they are all psycho guess it all started with his mother.. anyways, not my story, where was I, o yeah, I was 5, day he left for australia in which I had not seen him in quite some time, we went out the back, played catch, I dropped the ball, he walked up to me and gut punched me.. I ran inside and hid behind my mother. she told him to get out.. he did.. thank god.. well.. not sure about that.. it may of been better if that was the end of my story.. I started school, got bullied practically from the get go, never stood up for myself, ever. it was hard for my mother, being a single parent and all.. she couldnt exactly force me to take care of myself, and so from a young age I never really did, wasnt long before I started staying home from school, yelling screaming, locking myself away, saw a few shrinks over the years, basically in one ear out the other.. during which time I wasnt a very nice son.. apple dont fall far.. I didnt beat her up if thats what your thinking.. but maybe that would of been better than the mental abuse.. maybe it would of seen me shipped off to somewhere... I hate what if's.. so then.. I had few friends, they saw my abuse first hand, we were young, stupid and.. yeah, I was stupid.. I encouraged them.. not sure when she started drinking wine everyday, but 25 years on and she still is, and I still live here.. I left school first chance, 16 tho if ya think about it, all those missed days, perhaps 12 or 13 really.. got on the benefit, welfare, and 15 years later, here I am.. my mothers all I have.. im the black sheep in the family
and I avoid family gatherings as much as possibly 99% of the time, im talking my mothers brother and his family.. last time I went, I said to my uncle who has a house on the beach, wish I had a house like this, he went nutz, calling me lazy, a dreamer, no doubt, I know this, I've never had any motivation, any confidence, much of anything at all, cept a few decent friends, who have all got their own lives and wives and things now, so yeah there I was, balling my eyes out, well, not balling, but ya know.. few tears, as he ranted on at me for 20 minutes, other family came out.. I bet people on the beach heard, im so ashamed.. so embarresed, well I was, I got drunk that night, it helped, it also helped me get it free due to my mothers sympathy.. I smoked pot for years between 16 and 20 something, I only stopped because I lost my contact.. in the end I consider that to be a good thing.. but shortly after I turned to drink instead, top shelf, once a week kinda thing, it progressed into sometimes 2 or 3 bottles a week.. just recently mind you.. helps wash away recent memorys, and makes me feel good, also it definitly helps me sleep at least those few nights really well.. but besides that, I dont do anything, go anywhere and hardly see anyone, not even my mom, for as long as I can remember, we have never really talked.. maybe once in a blue moon for like a few minutes, in between tv ads, she loves her telly as much as I do, or at least, I used to, now eh. shes a really good woman, been through alot, even before she met my dad. I dont know the half of it probably, dont think I want to, shes almost 70, has smoked and drank wine for well.. at least 30 years.. I'm afraid I'm going to lose her at any moment and I'll still be where I am now, I think my heart would give out, people actually really do die from heartbreak all the time.. I can imagine.. but what if I dont.. then what, I still dont take very good care of myself, mom bought me this awsome, HUGE childrens bible as a kid.. wrote in it and everything, as a mixed up teen, I said to god, show me your face now or I will burn it and never come to you again, It burnt.. well partly, it was huge, I couldnt be bothered and just dumped it in the trash, yup another scar.. ***.. *** heh.. I would still feel the same if it were any other bible but that one was extra special.. I saw this christian thing on tv one morning, this little girl while sitting in a group of other kids asked the pastor during question time, something like would god take me if I really wanted to die, I was shocked at her question, and at his answer abit, he said yes.. true or not, it wasnt for me, tho I dont know at what age I started thinking about being dead, as a youngster late at night I would go into my mothers room crying, wondering about eternal life, or eternal nothingness. neither prospect sounded good to me.. im not sure I ever came up with which I would like more, I pretty much have now.. pretty much eternal nothingness, non existance has my vote. I have been nothing but a strain and a pain to my mother since I've been born basically, you'd think that would motivate me.. I tell her I love her tho I almost never show it, shes always been there for me if I ever needed her, im just stuck, its basically groundhog day, and has been for well.. ever.. as for the 3 or 4 shrinks I saw for a time throughout my life.. I listened, I spoke, I guess I learned, but I never did anything about it.. everytime I have tried to help myself I fail, I last an hour, a few hours, I joined karate for a day.. kickboxing, same thing.. I started chatting to this girl online a few weeks ago.. it started off great, the next day I got drunk, spoke to her, it went even better, a few days later, I got drunk, spoke to her, again it was all good, except for the fact I was forgetting everything we were talking about and I felt I basically couldnt talk to her without as I'd be a differnt guy, more quiet, less talkative.. so anyways, things went down hill and fast.. not surprisingly, but yeah I know its for the best.
if I died now.. I doubt I'd get to heaven.. if I did, I'd still be me, I used to think dying and going to heaven would solve all my problems, I'd fly high in the sky and do all sorts of cool things but now.. I know, I'd still be alone. its strange.. it would seem thats what I've wanted all along huh, I cant say it isnt. but yeah, theres really no point in being here at all, there are huge gaps in my memory.. from the pot, plus the all the drinking, whos to say, maybe there just wasnt much to remember anyway.. as god hardened pharohes heart, I need him to do something similar to me.. cant say I dont often pray he will.. then again, god helps those who help themselves.. I cant really say me being here, writing all this is a form of helping myself, I dont expect an answer or a solution, just a little release I guess.. anyways, thanks for listning to the story of my life, you basically got it all.. if your still here, heh thanks and sorry for wasting your time. ****.. am I really going to submit this.. ugh.. yeah, let me just find and remove that one line..