Lost everyone important to me. Depression has ruined my life. Death is my only option.

Question

I have been with my (now ex) boyfriend for over 3 years. I suffer from severe depression and he has supported me through it. He has been my rock and I truly believe that he is my soulmate. We moved in together about 7 months ago.

Just before that I got dismissed from university due to a lack of attendance thanks to my depression. My boyfriend always talked about how he wanted me to do well and I felt ashamed. I didn't want to disappoint him because I knew he'd leave me if he found out.

I The university dismissed me unfairly as they ignored my pleas for help and didn't take my depression in to account at all. Because of this I had a strong case for an appeal. A member of staff told me they thought I was bound to be successful and let back on my course.

The only thing is due to anxiety I didn't go to the doctors regularly and I would go on and off medication so I was scared to go and ask my doctor for a note as proof of my depression.  

From there everything spiralled out of control. I kept telling myself I could fix everything but I never did. I just started lying to everyone. Pretending I'd never been kicked out. My boyfriend paid for a lot of my share of things since we moved in because I was the "poor student". It killed me every day not telling him.

But today I eventually did after all these months. I hoped that he might understand. I know I did something horribly wrong but I hoped that he'd give me another chance because he's always said nothing I could do would convince him to leave me. I've been honest with him about so much and shared so much of myself with him all to go to waste.

He hates me now. He threw me out of our flat. Our future together had so much promise. We'd talked about getting married and having children and growing old together. I can't bare to be without him so now all that's left for me is suicide.

I'm writing this just hoping that someone can help me find another way. A way in which I can convince him to take me back and start over. Please someone help.

Answer 1

Verses in the Holy Bible about anxiety and depression:


1 Peter 5:7 ESV / 4 helpful votes

Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.

Helpful Not Helpful
Proverbs 12:25 ESV / 4 helpful votes

Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad.

Hebrews 13:5-6 ESV / 3 helpful votes

Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” So we can confidently say, “The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?”

Philippians 4:9 ESV / 3 helpful votes

What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

Philippians 4:6 ESV / 3 helpful votes

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

Philippians 4:4 ESV / 3 helpful votes

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice.

1 Corinthians 10:13 ESV / 3 helpful votes

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

John 3:16 ESV / 3 helpful votes

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.

Matthew 6:25-34 ESV / 3 helpful votes

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

Psalm 91:1-16 ESV / 3 helpful votes

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler. You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day,

Psalm 23:1-6 ESV / 3 helpful votes

A Psalm of David. The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

Answer 2

Verses in the Holy Bible about unconditional love:


Romans 5:8 ESV / 337 helpful votes

But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

1 John 4:8 ESV / 253 helpful votes

Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.

1 Corinthians 13:1-13 ESV / 240 helpful votes

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; ...

1 Corinthians 13:7 ESV / 213 helpful votes

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

1 John 4:18 ESV / 209 helpful votes

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 ESV / 197 helpful votes

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Matthew 5:43-48 ESV / 159 helpful votes

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? ...

1 John 4:16 ESV / 143 helpful votes

So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.

John 3:16 ESV / 126 helpful votes

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.

Helpful Not Helpful
Luke 6:27 ESV / 93 helpful votes

“But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you,

Romans 12:9-10 ESV / 92 helpful votes

Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.

1 John 4:7-11 ESV / 87 helpful votes

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.

Answer 3

Hello Worst,
First of all, you are not the worst girl in the world. Yes, you have made some bad decisions, we all make mistakes, but nothing you've done qualifies you as the worst in the world. In fact, I believe that the damage you hae done to your life can be undone, if you take the proper measures to make things right.

The first thing you have to do is take CONTROL of your life. You've allowed your depression to control you, to take everythig that is important to you. You know that you need to take medicine, you don't have to be convinced that medicine can help you. So get back on your meds right away. You will never recover from these events until you get your depression under control. Depression will paralyze you, you will continue to avoid your responsibilities as long as you allow your depression to control you, you must control it, and proper treatment is the key to freeing yourself from this insidious condition.

Stop using your depression as a crutch. Never forget that you are ultimately responsible for your own actions, and for the outcome of those actions. It is easy to blame your depression for everything, but if you avoid treatment then ultimately the burden of responsibility for everything that goes wrong in your life is yours. YOU KNOW YOU NEED TO GET TREATMENT, STOP SKIPPING DOCTORS APPOINTMENTS AND STAY ON YOUR MEDS!!!

See your doctor right away and get back on your regimen of treatment. Don't let fear control you. The doctor is not going to throw you out of his office or abuse you because you missed a few appointments. TAKE CONTROL or your life, being afraid only makes you more of a victim to your circumstances.

The most important thing in a loving relationship is TRUST!!! You deceptions have violated that sacred trust between you and your boyfriend. Of course he's upset with you, and he's confused. He will need some time to cool off. Time that you must use effectively to demonstrate that you understand your mistakes and that you are recommitting to making things right. If I were you I would write to him, apologizing for your mistakes, reminding him of the good things that you've shared together, expressing your feelings for him, and explaining what you ae doing to get back on track with your life. You are a very intelligent and articulate woman, use these attributes to express and explain yourself. Give him something he can read and reread, letting your message really sink in.

If you call him or discuss these things in person then you run the risk of allowing negative emotions to control the conversation, which will ultimately result in an argument and more hurt feelings. By writing him you will secure his full attention and you can get your message across without interuption. You can also better organize your thoughts, insuring that you have the opportunity to express yourself completely. I would not elaborate too much on your depression, not much beyond the fact that you are being treated and getting it under control. You must stop using your depression as a crutch, and you don't want to scare him into thinking that you have some unmanagable condition that he must worry about you losing control in the future.

If your boyfriend is as wonderful as you make him seem then he will respond in a positive way. In any event you must not let this experience dominate your life, even if your relationship with your boyfriend cannot be salvaged, the rest of your life can be. As painful as a brokent relationship is, it would be much more painful for you to neglect your education and to leave your depression untreated. Keep in mind that if your boyfriend does not respond to your efforst in a positive manner, then he is not worth any more of your pain, you must move forward with your life, and if you do what's right you will end up in truly loving relationship that will last forever. Don't give up on yourself, you have way too much to offer the world, way too much life to live.

Finally, nothing that has happened to you is worth contemplating taking your life. That is victim talk, that is deprssion talk, you are stronger than that. There is a beautiful world of opportunity and happiness just waiting for you to be ready to take hold of it. Don't give up on yourself just because you made a few mistakes. Yes, you are hurting right now, but you can recover and come out of this so much stronger. No man is worth taking your life over. Stop vicimizing yourself and take CONTROL, you deserve so much more that you give yourself credit for. Please let us know how this works out for you. Good Luck and God Bless.

Answer 4

The only way to get thru and possibly get your boyfriend back is by going out there and finding what you need to do this life. Positive things attract positive thinking. If he sees you doing well down the road he may look at you in a different way. But you should really just be doing this for your self. From what you wrote he is your rock. But you were still depressed when your were with him so getting him back will not sustain your happiness. You create your happiness and YOU alone. And that's good. Because then no other people can control your happiness. I know how you feel My best friend In the whole world just passed away 8 months ago. I am on this site because I feel like I want to end myself as well. But just trying to help someone else thru these dark times has really helped me. And I thank you for that. I really hope the best for you:)

Comments

Hi Jeremy,
Just wanted to say how commendable it is that you are working through your pain by helping others. I know how much losing someone hurts. I am here if you want to talk. Keep on fighting the darkness. I wish you all the best. :)

Answer 5

Verses in the Holy Bible against suicide:


1 Corinthians 3:16-17 ESV / 626 helpful votes

Do you not know that you are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in you? If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy him. For God's temple is holy, and you are that temple.

Ecclesiastes 7:17 ESV / 530 helpful votes

Be not overly wicked, neither be a fool. Why should you die before your time?

Psalm 34:17-20 ESV / 297 helpful votes

When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 ESV / 250 helpful votes

Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

Jeremiah 29:11 ESV / 173 helpful votes

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

1 Corinthians 6:20 ESV / 116 helpful votes

For you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

2 Corinthians 12:9 ESV / 75 helpful votes

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.


Psalm 13:2-4 ESV / 72 helpful votes

How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me? Consider and answer me, O Lord my God; light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death, lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,” lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.

Hebrews 11:1-40 ESV / 3 helpful votes

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. For by it the people of old received their commendation. By faith we understand that the universe was created by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible. By faith Abel offered to God a more acceptable sacrifice than Cain, through which he was commended as righteous, God commending him by accepting his gifts. And through his faith, though he died, he still speaks. By faith Enoch was taken up so that he should not see death, and he was not found, because God had taken him. Now before he was taken he was commended as having pleased God.

Philippians 1:18-26 ESV / 3 helpful votes

What then? Only that in every way, whether in pretense or in truth, Christ is proclaimed, and in that I rejoice. Yes, and I will rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and the help of the Spirit of Jesus Christ this will turn out for my deliverance, as it is my eager expectation and hope that I will not be at all ashamed, but that with full courage now as always Christ will be honored in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me. Yet which I shall choose I cannot tell.

Psalm 139:13 ESV / 2 helpful votes

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

Numbers 11:10-15 ESV / 2 helpful votes

Moses heard the people weeping throughout their clans, everyone at the door of his tent. And the anger of the Lord blazed hotly, and Moses was displeased. Moses said to the Lord, “Why have you dealt ill with your servant? And why have I not found favor in your sight, that you lay the burden of all this people on me? Did I conceive all this people? Did I give them birth, that you should say to me, ‘Carry them in your *****, as a nurse carries a nursing child,’ to the land that you swore to give their fathers? Where am I to get meat to give to all this people? For they weep before me and say, ‘Give us meat, that we may eat.’ I am not able to carry all this people alone; the burden is too heavy for me.






Verses in the Holy Bible about anxiety and depression:


1 Peter 5:7 ESV / 4 helpful votes

Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.

Helpful Not Helpful
Proverbs 12:25 ESV / 4 helpful votes

Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad.

Hebrews 13:5-6 ESV / 3 helpful votes

Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” So we can confidently say, “The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?”

Philippians 4:9 ESV / 3 helpful votes

What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

Philippians 4:6 ESV / 3 helpful votes

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

Philippians 4:4 ESV / 3 helpful votes

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice.

1 Corinthians 10:13 ESV / 3 helpful votes

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

John 3:16 ESV / 3 helpful votes

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.

Matthew 6:25-34 ESV / 3 helpful votes

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

Psalm 91:1-16 ESV / 3 helpful votes

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler. You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day,

Psalm 23:1-6 ESV / 3 helpful votes

A Psalm of David. The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

Answer 6

Suicide is NOT an option! There are many more things you can do instead of contemplating taking your own life. Trust me it will solve nothing. If you really love your boyfriend, then you owe it to him to make things right. Killing yourself would only leave more heartache, anger and confusion. In many ways, it is worse than hiding from him that you were kicked out of school. You will be selfishly putting your feelings above his. He is hurting too. I am sure he does not hate you. He is simply acting through the pain.

Right now he feels used. Give him time. Show him how truly sorry you are and that you are willing to make amends. You owe him as much. And if he is as great as you say, there is a good chance he will forgive you. It definitely sounds like he cares for you. Do you want him to feel guilty? Do you want him to blame himself for your death? If you kill yourself, he will likely think you were trying to punish him. Do you want him to remember you with hate, as the girl who lied to him? I would not. If you love him, then you want him to be happy, and not wonder if he was the cause of your suicide. If you end it now, you can't fix anything with him.

I know you are in pain, and that your depression only compounds everything. Depression is a real illness. You know this and your doctor knows this. Use this experience to find the strength to resolve your situation with the school. Get the medical documentation you need and appeal the university's decision. Second, you need to be in regular treatment. You know this as well. This is likely what upset your boyfriend the most. How do you expect to get better if you do not follow your treatment plan? He wants you to get better. Your future together depends on you getting better. In order to be part of a lasting relationship, you must first learn to love yourself. Thoughts of suicide or depression will only get in the way of you being a good mother. You need to show him with ACTIONS that you know what you did was wrong, and that you are not trying to EXCUSE your behavior. Instead, you want to make it up to him.

I am not trying to be harsh. I understand that you lost the one stabilizing force in your life and you do not know what to do, or how to get him back. I can only imagine how devastated you feel. But take control of your life. You are not a victim so do not act like one. You know what it is you need to do. You knew lying was wrong. You knew not going to the doctor was wrong. You definitely know that not taking your medication is wrong. And, deep down you know that suicide is wrong too.

Again, I am not trying to be hard on you. I just want you to really think about all this. We all make mistakes. No one is perfect. You are by no means the worst girl in the world. It is not our mistakes which define us, but what we do to correct them. Fight for your relationship. Fight for the life you want. Fight to live. Dig deep. You are strong enough to correct this and have a great life with your soul-mate. Killing yourself only shows that you did not care enough about your boyfriend to even get his forgiveness. Show him how much you care.

I am here if you want to continue to talk things out. Please do not lose hope. I hope I hear back from you.

Answer 7

Verses in the Holy Bible against suicide:


1 Corinthians 3:16-17 ESV / 626 helpful votes

Do you not know that you are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in you? If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy him. For God's temple is holy, and you are that temple.

Ecclesiastes 7:17 ESV / 530 helpful votes

Be not overly wicked, neither be a fool. Why should you die before your time?

Psalm 34:17-20 ESV / 297 helpful votes

When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 ESV / 250 helpful votes

Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

Jeremiah 29:11 ESV / 173 helpful votes

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

1 Corinthians 6:20 ESV / 116 helpful votes

For you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

2 Corinthians 12:9 ESV / 75 helpful votes

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.


Psalm 13:2-4 ESV / 72 helpful votes

How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me? Consider and answer me, O Lord my God; light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death, lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,” lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.

Hebrews 11:1-40 ESV / 3 helpful votes

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. For by it the people of old received their commendation. By faith we understand that the universe was created by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible. By faith Abel offered to God a more acceptable sacrifice than Cain, through which he was commended as righteous, God commending him by accepting his gifts. And through his faith, though he died, he still speaks. By faith Enoch was taken up so that he should not see death, and he was not found, because God had taken him. Now before he was taken he was commended as having pleased God.

Philippians 1:18-26 ESV / 3 helpful votes

What then? Only that in every way, whether in pretense or in truth, Christ is proclaimed, and in that I rejoice. Yes, and I will rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and the help of the Spirit of Jesus Christ this will turn out for my deliverance, as it is my eager expectation and hope that I will not be at all ashamed, but that with full courage now as always Christ will be honored in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me. Yet which I shall choose I cannot tell.

Psalm 139:13 ESV / 2 helpful votes

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

Numbers 11:10-15 ESV / 2 helpful votes

Moses heard the people weeping throughout their clans, everyone at the door of his tent. And the anger of the Lord blazed hotly, and Moses was displeased. Moses said to the Lord, “Why have you dealt ill with your servant? And why have I not found favor in your sight, that you lay the burden of all this people on me? Did I conceive all this people? Did I give them birth, that you should say to me, ‘Carry them in your *****, as a nurse carries a nursing child,’ to the land that you swore to give their fathers? Where am I to get meat to give to all this people? For they weep before me and say, ‘Give us meat, that we may eat.’ I am not able to carry all this people alone; the burden is too heavy for me.