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I have no faith in god, people or myself. I don’t believe that god exists. Despite having read the scriptures repeatedly, I feel nothing from it. I have always had this notion that if there is a god, he doesn't know that I exist.

I believe that people exist to ruin other people. I don’t believe that humans have any capacity to control or censor themselves whether it’s by thoughts or actions. It is my opinion that people are inherently bad even if they don’t want to be.

I absolutely do not have faith in my decision making or my capacity to learn. I always need my work and decisions checked and double checked by others. Every choice I make feels like I am gambling my life away and this causes me great fear and panic.

I am a control freak. I need to know everything. I need to understand why people do and say what they do and say. I need to call the shots in every situation. I need people to live up to my standards. I become angry and bitter if people’s ethics and morals are not the same as mine. I want people to be how I want them to be and I try to manipulate them to change. When they don’t change, I become frustrated and at times enraged.

I am conservative in my views about how people ought to behave in a committed relationship/marriage. I am very, very, very conservative in my views about $ex and fidelity. It is my belief/opinion that all people should share my views. I can’t be in a relationship with anyone who does not. Most people do not, not even my current spouse, and I am not handling it well at all.

I dispose of relationships readily if the people I share the relationships with make me angry or disappoint me. I have a hard time forgiving. I have an even harder time forgetting. I have been married multiple times and jump from relationship to relationship, friendship to friendship. I have no real solid friendships only distant, formal acquaintances.

I am a compulsive snooper. I absolutely can not resist the urge to go through peoples things particularly my spouse's. I am in search of something in particular but I don’t always know what. Most times I am looking for evidence of people’s intent to hurt or disappoint me and inevitably I succeed.

I am extremely self critical and harbor jealousy of others. I am not the person I long to be and I am unaware of how to become that person. I want to possess every good quality a person could possibly have. I am terribly jealous and angry at people who have the characteristics that I want but can’t seem to attain. This causes me great panic, fear, self loathing and exhibit compulsive self destructive behavior.

I am midway through my life and I have become a very bitter, skeptical, paranoid individual thanks to influences and circumstances in my life. I feel like I have no control over who I am, my thoughts or my feelings. I am lost and despite having people around me, I feel terribly alone in this world.

This is my raw honesty. For some reason I seem to think by sharing this with strangers I will somehow be cured. Maybe there are others who overcame these same feelings, thoughts and behaviors. Somehow I need to get better. I want to feel better. I want to trust. I want to have faith.
Country: USA
    

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2 Answers

+2 votes
Profile Photo by southeastangel ANGEL3000+ (3.4k points)   2 12
THANK YOU For sharing your truth,
I hope you feel a little lighter for it.
I am sorry your feeling the way you do at the moment, it can change, you haven't always had these thought patterns and you wont always have them either because you want to sort it out.
I want to help you to think this through.
As I see it, It's about perspective.
You have a very solid view on the perspective of yourself, who and what you believe yourself to be, what is acceptable and what is not acceptable, in your world.
Others frustrate and anger you when they don't meet and match YOUR expectations.
Ask yourself are they psychic? I mean you cant tell them what action or answer YOU want prior to engaging with them can you? Do you come with a manual?
These are real questions I want you to ask yourself.
How do others react to you when it's YOU not reacting or behaving in a manner in which they would? 9/10 times you wont even know about it because their not judging, they just accept and move forward with it. They expect a different answer view or action to there own (unless it's a procedure thing)
If you stood in front of a mirror and talked/ looked at yourself in the same way you do to them what behaviour do you see? Is it the person who your morals believe yourself to be or the person you want to be?  or perhaps someone different. What would you say to them?
Just because they don't share the same view does not mean to say there view is wrong, who's to say your view is right anyway? And of course there is not always right or wrong, you can get all rights and all wrongs, depends upon the individuals and situation.
Show me the definitive manual to right and wrong.
Dropping the ego and properly listening to others view and allowing explanation on something doesn't mean you have to take it, but you could learn from it, they may make 1 good point that starts a domino effect on your view on a whole range of stuff.
If others were a carbon copy of yourself you would have no one to check your work with :) don't be harsh on yourself for getting your work checked, nothing wrong with ensuring quality in the work place. You cant be a bad employee or they would have fired you, just accept it's one of YOUR little quirks, they obviously do.
Others accept you , others have love for you, you are clearly a good person with the capacity for understanding, I don't even know you but I have time and care for you, your honesty, your truth, your not a bad person your just stuck in a mind frame that isn't allowing you to be free, it's time to start accepting yourself, and others, flaws and all.
If others cause you intentional grief or pain then your right to move them on.
But it's about that word INTENTIONAL.  In all seriousness next time your in a situation where you would normally become vexed ask yourself is this person intentionally disappointing me or offending or disagreeing with me? Do they have the right to hold a different opinion to you?? Do you have a right to hold a different opinion to them?? course you do.
Are you intentionally getting angry to push them away or perhaps so they will just go with your idea?
If your perspective on the intention behind your own action were to change you perhaps could move forward with an open heart, just because it's open doesn't mean its not protected!
There has to be acceptance that we are all different,
we have to be different or we would not be evolving as a species.
We all need to think and react in different ways to things, it's what makes us unique.  
You are as unique as everyone else, you have quirks just the same as us all. I know loads of snopers :) next time you get the urge just stop and put yourself in their shoes. You wouldn't like it!
Have you ever spoken to your doctor about how you feel? nothing wrong with talking.
And yes I believe your right about society becoming more toxic.
With the introduction of faceless contact in this age of technology people are becoming braver and more vile. They hide behind anonymity and use it as an outlet for all the lies, frustration and anger they feel, they say thing they would NEVER say ordinarily. Its increasingly becoming more difficult to see/ feel/ hear the positive.
We are bombarded with negativity. I strongly suggest you don't use these social media sites, your world span just fine  before you knew what Fred down the road had for breakfast or how Janet posted a new picture of a cat (8/10 people lie and exaggerate their postings on these sites to make them seem more fun, interesting, important, that's human nature, inflate the ego, fact, look it up)
Take a break from the negativity of it, fill the surfing time with reading a book, knowledge is power! :)  what's the harm in giving it a go?
I hope I have in some small way helped you to have a think about your perspective.
If you change your expectations of others you automatically allow yourself to change your view on you. What's so wrong with change, it's inevitable.
One last thing, think back to last week when you really stressed about something, did that something go bad? or did it, just as every other time, go as normal? was the adrenalin rush worth it? Calm down in your head, catch yourself and actually tell yourself to chill, this moment will be fine and take deep but comfortable breath, in through the nose out the mouth, breath into your belly and concentrate on your belly rising and falling, it helps stop the body's reaction to stress and allows the brain to keep control.
Please feel free to contact me, I leave you with all good intention my friend, faith is where you find it, sometimes stuff gets lost, it may turn up again, it may not, you can survive just fine either way so don't worry about it, if it's meant to turn up it will xx
by  
Thank you Southeastangel, I think I will be reading your post over and over again as my mantra. This is exactly why I reach out to the world. This is comforting and validating. Thank you.
Profile Photo by southeastangel ANGEL3000+ (3.4k points)   2 12
You are more than welcome,
Its was heartening to me to read your true honesty with yourself, I found it truly  admirable!
Always good to share :)
Always here if you need to share or vent :)
Take good care of you self shadow boxer, your a good person xx
Profile Photo by southeastangel ANGEL3000+ (3.4k points)   2 12
How are you doing shadow boxer?
I thought of you so im reaching out to see how you are?
See a complete stranger wanting to know how you really are, not the yeh "im ok" how are you, the real honest how are you?
0 votes
Profile Photo by dolphin007 ANGEL24K (307k points)   7 7 12
Greetings anonymous... try to click on the URL that will surely heal your mind, body & soul...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wNc6NuoBxzM  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HqtwZWvXux8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qrPAZbD6fG0

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LdJddXduWjs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfz9JTyFVxo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dAC7mHjdzRU

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IActLJH8xHs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c8RmJlwwa0g

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oljdd9BGrFc

http://www.cbn.com/tv/1418876102001

http://www.cbn.com/tv/1418846102001

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Verses in the Holy Bible about healing:


Isaiah 41:10 ESV / 376 helpful votes

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Jeremiah 17:14 ESV / 314 helpful votes

Heal me, O Lord, and I shall be healed; save me, and I shall be saved, for you are my praise.

1 Peter 2:24 ESV / 277 helpful votes

He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed.

Jeremiah 33:6 ESV / 262 helpful votes

Behold, I will bring to it health and healing, and I will heal them and reveal to them abundance of prosperity and security.

Isaiah 53:5 ESV / 251 helpful votes

But he was wounded for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his stripes we are healed.

Psalm 103:2-4 ESV / 231 helpful votes

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,

James 5:15 ESV / 209 helpful votes

And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven.

James 5:14 ESV / 150 helpful votes

Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord.

James 5:16 ESV / 143 helpful votes

Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

3 John 1:2 ESV / 126 helpful votes

Beloved, I pray that all may go well with you and that you may be in good health, as it goes well with your soul.

Proverbs 17:22 ESV / 114 helpful votes

A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.

Matthew 10:1 ESV / 111 helpful votes

And he called to him his twelve disciples and gave them authority over unclean spirits, to cast them out, and to heal every disease and every affliction.

Psalm 147:3 ESV / 110 helpful votes

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Matthew 10:8 ESV / 107 helpful votes

Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse lepers, cast out demons. You received without paying; give without pay.

Deuteronomy 7:15 ESV / 97 helpful votes

And the Lord will take away from you all sickness, and none of the evil diseases of Egypt, which you knew, will he inflict on you, but he will lay them on all who hate you.

Philippians 4:19 ESV / 86 helpful votes

And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.

Psalm 41:3 ESV / 85 helpful votes

The Lord sustains him on his sickbed; in his illness you restore him to full health.

Proverbs 4:20-22 ESV / 71 helpful votes

My son, be attentive to my words; incline your ear to my sayings. Let them not escape from your sight; keep them within your heart. For they are life to those who find them, and healing to all their flesh.

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