I can’t stop thinking i’d be better off dead

Update from Angels Online Help Desk:

“Hey there, it’s been a little over 2 years since I wrote that post. Reading it back was weird, it took me right back to those feelings of despair, sadness and loneliness… But I am not that person anymore. For sure I have bad days and there are days where I romanticise about ending it, but I feel so much stronger. I got through the pain and the darkness!! I got help, I went back to my therapist and I tried mindfulness. For the first time ever something helped me. It’s was a book by Tara Brach called True Refuge, she has a pod cast too and they are free. Let me tell you that this one simple piece of knowledge helps me even to this day, it’s a Bhuddist belief that in life we will experience a thousand sorrows and a thousand joys and these will pass through us and touch us but they will also leave. We should act as guest houses to these sorrows and the joys, accepting them and tending to them as guests when they visit us. Nothing is final, no feeling, no despair, no pain it all ends. The key is not to give up. I’m so glad I didn’t give up almost two years ago when I wrote this and I am the happiest imperfect person I have been for a long time. I just want to give you all hope that with the right support and the right knowledge we can take back the power and be in control again. You are all such beautiful special souls, you’ve already shown you have courage, fortitude and strength because you haven’t given up. Light a candle for yourselves tonight my friends for you all possess the power to light up your own darkness. I pray for each and everyone of you. Lots of love and blessings ***”

 

Original Post:

Feb 26, 2014 by 

To everybody else i’m the happy, fun girl that doesn’t take things too seriously and doesn’t think too deeply. This is the persona I have built over many years to conceal my true feelings of deep inadequacy, fears of abandonment and trying to block out years of physical, mental and emotional abuse.

I am gentle and I am kind and the only thing stopping me from killing myself is fear of hurting my loved ones and fear of god. I know its not the answer and I know there are others worse off than me but I can’t help thinking that death is the answer. Every day I commute about 40 miles to work on the motorway and I keep thinking what if I just let go of the wheel, I don’t know why i’m writing this and telling a bunch of strangers this. I don’t think these feelings will ever leave me, but I wanted to write this and to let those of you reading this who are feeling like ending things know that I will try to get things right again tomorrow, I will smile again tomorrow and so will you. Being beautiful, being smart, being successful isn’t what gives you courage, carrying on, feeling imperfect in a world that wants us to be perfect is courage, hanging in there, alone in the darkness, in the deepest night of despair is what gives us courage. Reading your posts make me feel like i’m not alone.
Tonight I light a candle for you all, let my little light shine into your darkness, let a strangers love for you give you the strength to try again tomorrow and may god grant you serenity and peace of mind in the hope that one day we will all smile again and mean it.

my love to each and everyone of you that suffers with these feelings ***

Country: uk

2 Comments
  1. Joy To-u 1 year ago

    You are very strong, or else you would not have been able to shield yourself. You are courageous, and have a strong constitution. It sounds like you want a safe place to unload and get support. This is a great start, and there’s support groups all over the world.. one in particular that is called Celebrate Recovery. Everyone there has a hurt, habit or hangup. It’s free, and anonymous. It’s separates female and male groups. There’s a 12 step study that when ready to move along is a great deeper support and helps us to grow.
    In the meantime, I will pray for you. This programs is world wide. CELEBRATE RECOVERY! FOR ANYONE WITH A HURT, HABIT OR HANGUP. 💖

  2. A 12 months ago

    I was very very happy to read your positive update. Thank you for sharing how far you have come and showing other’s that there is still hope and you can turn things around for yourself. I’m very happy for you!

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