I am so sorry you feel this way. You do not need to face any of your demons alone. We are here for you. You can talk to us any time. If you want to talk privately. you can always join and send us a private message. Please do not ever forget you are not alone.
I can understand you get release from cutting, but you do not need to do it anymore. Hurting yourself is not the solution, and is a very temporary fix. Please instead talk to us. Is there a reason you have not told your mom? You do not need to be ashamed about anything. You need help and it is perfectly ok to ask for help. Have you sought medical attention yet? Depression is a real illness and you should not let any prejudicial notions stop you from getting the help you deserve.
If you have not already, please tell your mom. She obviously loves you and it is absolutely clear that you love her. I know it is scary to tell our loved ones what we may consider our darkest secrets but be brave. I know you have the courage in you to change. Everything you have said screams you want to change.
You have done the hard part – reaching out. You know hurting yourself is wrong, now follow through with the easier part – treatment. I am here if you want to talk more – about anything.
I hope you are okay and I hope you have not cut again. You are a beautiful human being do not ever forget it. Big hug!