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All I ever wanted was to get into a good school and make my family proud. I accomplished these goals after working hard for six years. I only lasted three months in school before I was taken to the hospital and placed in a locked ward for 24 hours. I can barely function on my own. I hate myself for eating any food, but I feel guilty for not eating because the school's meal plan is pricy and I may as well use it. If I didn't have good friends I'd never leave my room, but I hate that I spend more time with them instead of studying on my own. Nothing I do or work toward makes me want to become something. I'm working on a degree which doesn't fit me at all. If I were to pursue my passion I'm afraid I'd most definitely fail and bring my family shame.
I'm not smart. I'm not driven. I just sit around waiting for life to happen. I think I've outlived my usefulness now that my purpose in life has been accomplished. I have nothing left to live for. The only thing keeping me here is guilt.
Country: United States

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My heart hurt as I read your entry. As I read and reread it I realized you were telling us only the negatives you see in yourself. Could you be so focused on what you think you are not, that you don't realize what you are. Example #1: You have a family and it sounds like you must love them because you desire to make them proud. You are able to love others. Love is an amazing gift you have. To love and be loved. Example #2: You have good friends you like to be with and who like to be with you. Others value you and see in you what you cannot see for yourself. People don't hang with people they don't value. Ask them to tell you what they see good and valuable in you, because you have lost sight of it. I tell my daughter, who is also in college, people don't perceive themselves correctly. That is why family and good friends are extremely important. They can help you change how you see situations and more importantly how you see yourself. Consider making a list of the good qualities you possess. Stop telling yourself what you are not. And when you think or say something negative about yourself immediately counteract it with a positive. I have to do this and here is what I say, "Well I'm not _____, but I know I am ______." My self talk always ends with a positive. It takes 10 positives to wipe away 1 negative statement you hear or say about yourself. So get busy and find your positives. I saw several positives hiding behind some of the negative comments you wrote. 

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