I think my angels are all used up :(

Question

Not sure what to say.
I guess it's nothing specific just a bunch of things that have lead me here.
I have accomplished more than most Australians, yet I still feel like I have nothing to offer.
I sit at night with google. It doesn't hold the answers to the questions I seek.
I live alone, no pets permitted in my rental property.
I don't really have any friends anymore, they have all moved on, married and started families of their own, which is understandable, I am happy for them.
I'm not drinking at the moment (nearly 120 days, a new years resolution).
I can't really afford to go out anywhere with all the living costs rising these days.
I realise there is no real point to life but to live, so I'm not looking for a meaning or purpose.
I feel like there is something missing, but I'm not quite sure what it is exactly.
Each evening seems to end with tears.  
A life time of prays and faith hasn't appeared to have made an ounce of difference.
I actually don't have hope for anything anymore, I can't see my situation changing for the better. I don't see light at the end of a tunnel, nothing to work towards per se, heck my generation and me personally won't even be able to afford to retire in the future.
I guess I was waiting for some kind of miracle because hard work hasn't helped or changed my circumstances.   
I've actively tried so many different things, hobbies, sports, travelled, even attending functions at galleries and other social events.
I'm the wallflower that becomes invisible, If do get noticed it is for all the wrong reasons, like falling over or not maintaining the appropriate standards of etiquette in certain situations.
Everybody else can't be wrong. There must be something wrong with me. New people just don't appear to want to get to know me or hangout. I feel like I'm bug spray, I appear to just repel others. Logic tells me they can't all be wrong, it must be me. There must be something wrong with me. I'm not sure what it is, all the psychological tests I've done come back with normal spectrum results. I know I don't smell bad or anything simple like that.
Something isn't right with me.
I'm missing something, but I'm not quite sure what it is exactly.
All I know is, that I'm old enough and well informed to know that life shouldn't be this way.
I shouldn't wake each morning and go to bed each evening feeling the way I do.
Something is missing but I don't know what it is ?

Answer 1

There is nothing wrong with you. You simply crave human contact. It is perfectly normal. You feel lonely. Your friends may have moved on (all mine have married and had kids), and while I love being the single auntie, I get how you feel; sometimes you just feel out of place. Do you have family? I have been hanging out more with my parents (they are not going to last forever right?) and my sisters.

I think somewhere deep down you feel like you don't deserve to be loved. You sound like a very lovely person. I am not sure why people would find you repellant. Maybe you are already defensive or come across too nervous. Be confident and just have fun. You are not invisible. You can always come here and talk to us. We can talk about anything, any time you feel lonely. I am in LA so it may take a little time, but I will get back to you :)

Have you tried any physical tests, like blood tests? Your blood levels could be off, or you could have a hormonal imbalance. This too could be making you feel bad. Though I think the real reason you feel something is missing is because you just want to be close to someone. Again, I don't think you have done anything wrong, or that there is anything wrong with you other than your lack of self-confidence. I think your faith and prayers has made a difference. They have made you the good person you are today.

Please do not lose hope. Things will get better. I am here if you want to talk. I hope I hear back from you. Big hug

Answer 2

Hi,

I love the comment a girl wrote below.  Agree with everything.  One thing I will add, or maybe ask you to notice about your life ***** is, how is your day pattern look day to day, do you go to sleep early enough in the evening and wake up early enough in the morning.  
I work shifts, and after I get off my overnight I am a mess mentally, physically, emotionally. I know you might think this might be irrelevant but sun has a huge effect on our lives. There are beautiful books out there this topic, youtube also has huge amount of information on this topic.

I hope this was somewhat helpful to you.  Feel free to talk any time you wish.  I also don't have too many friends and missing human connection on low days.  So we can become friends :)

Answer 3

Hey Mortal,

I'm a Level 12 Angel, never will be used up, I have heaps of answers, have a chat with me??

I won't tell you that you have nothing to change, neither will I tell you that you are fine. Everyone is different, we just have to find our own way to be ourselves.

Your Angel ;)

Answer 4

WELL DONE FOR STAYING DRY!!! I MEAN IT, WELL DONE YOU!

Pick an acquaintance/ friend who you believe to be of sound body and mind who knows you well enough to pass the time of day with.
Ask them for a moment of their time, then ask the question, what do they believe to be the reason behind your apparent social awkwardness? If they look puzzled explain you want to understand why people don't seem to connect with you.
I bet they look puzzled and don't see the problem, the problem is in the way you feel about you, not how they feel about you.
Some may say they thought you needed space! you never know if you don't ask. Talk to those who you can, there is nothing wrong with sharing your not so hot feelings, all humans have them, most wont talk about them for fear of seeming different when all along everyone has issues, you talking about yours allows them to talk about theirs, your helping society change.
If in your head your saying "people hate me, I cant connect with people, im rubbish" then your creating your own reality and that is what your projecting to those who you are going to meet. when they engage with you, a self hater, if your hating yourself that much why would they want to hang with you? Why are you hating you? You seem like the sort of person who I would be drawn to at a party, we don't all conform to the rules, who made them anyway?
You have previously had a social circle so you have the social ability to make and grow relationships, give your self a break.
You may be trying to hard, too little, you may seem nervous, arrogant, unsure, there could be loads of reasons, I don't know you so couldn't say,  or more likely the simple one that you just are not allowing yourself to see the true intention of others and your making there minds up for them.
It's great you have tried many things in the past, the ability to get off the sofa and do stuff is becoming really quite rare :) WELL DONE KEEP GOING
What's next on your to do list? you never know who you'll meet and what will happen, relax, take deep breaths, don't feel the need to talk, just be, that's right just stand, breath deep, own your space, feel the love, smile and just be. When asked what your smiling at pick a really positive memory from your life and share it saying that this moment brought it back to you, ask if they have had similar. it's a great conversation starter at least.
Old chapters end and new ones begin, your on a real rubbish chapter, it will end tho and a new twist and turn will come in the next chapter.
If you have a local animal rescue centre im 100% positive they would love any help you can give, animals really to have a great healing ability. Have you ever been around horses? special creatures!! most special indeed. They are a prey animal and with that in mind have such gentle souls, challenge yourself to learn to ride!?!
Keep the faith my friend, we are here, it's not good to share it's great :) xx

Answer 5

hello dear,angels can never get used up when a very special person is involved.i know how yu feel iv been ther i also live alone no pet or anything i  lost my job and it ate me up,the whole thing the boy i loved married someone else and i was left alone felt like i was alone in this world,believe me when i tell you what changed my life for ever,reading the bible,completely changed my life,the nights when i was supposed to be crying i would read the bible,trying to learn  more about it and i found what was missing,its not something that yu can get from anybody trust me its inside somewere,i searched thru my bible and i just found it,trust me,i then also decided to do something i love,music.i joined a competition,i write songs sometyms and im also writing a book.Thats how i moved past it.
if you wana talk more bout it,yu can send me a messege,then we tok.

God bless!!!

Comments

Thank you to all those that took the time to respond to my post. Some of the advice you shared is accurate with who I am and why I feel the way I do.

Firstly, I'd like to say that I no longer have faith in make believe tales like those propagated through a man written book known as the bible.

I do crave human contact ~SIGH~  I don't really have much family (no parents) I do have my grandparents however they are getting older and I had hoped that I would have settled by now and started my own family but that hasn't happened for me. I guess spinsters have always existed throughout time, history has shown that there isn't someone for everyone.

My medical health is all in the normal range, actually I'm in perfect health which means I'm intended to live a long life. I often feel guilty for that, Why is it that someone like myself can have a long life, yet others who have many good things to live for and look forward too have theirs cut short ?

My sleep patterns are all over the place between work and studies I just don't have enough hours in my days, when I do get time for sleep I am too stressed or anxious to get a decent night's rest.

As for the advice, I asked an acquaintance and yes they were puzzled.
Most people that come into contact with me professionally always state "I'm such a people person". Truth is I can't stand most people and I don't enjoy socialising among strangers. I'm ok one on one to hang out with, where the opportunity to have a decent connection with another person arises, but I don't do all that superficial surface value chit chat. You could say I'm more of an intense individual, I like a certain degree of depth to share with others.      

Sitting on the train the other day on my way home from work, I felt like balling my eyes out. If this is as good as life gets for me, I don't want it anymore.
I stand on the train platform every day and often think what if I just make those few steps off the edge and jump onto the tracks. Who'd even notice that I was gone. My work might, my grandparents, and I have one other acquaintance that would notice, but beyond that, my life would be forgotten.

Please don't misunderstand me, I don't have a desire to die. I don't really have a desire to end it all per se. However, I similarly don't hold the desire to continue on with life as it currently is. If the reason of life is to live, then what I am doing is merely surviving but not truly living.
Sure I'm still physically here and breathing, but I'm just existing, not living.     

That's what I worked hard towards, wished, hoped, and prayed for to change.
I don't want to be here if all I'm ever able to do and achieve is to simply survive.  

This might sound jealous but I look at pop stars, celebrities ect and think, wow our society has it's priorities all backwards when those individuals that don't offer anything more than pure entertainment value, can financially reap more than 20 decent average working people do in their life times combined.

Trickle down economics has failed us globally, if it had remotely worked we wouldn't still have things like world poverty.

Maslow's hierarchy of needs, my most basic physiological need for a home of my own is something I cannot afford even on a full-time wage. I pay rent but this is not my place, it's not somewhere I can call my own, paint my own walls hang photo's and stuff. I can not afford to move or gain a mortgage even though I'm on a good wage, with the way life is in Sydney now, there is no hope for me to afford my own home. My Safety and Security needs are not met, along with not being able to afford my own little peace of this planet I also cannot afford to take time off work to have children, financial security isn't being met.  As you have pointed out my Love and Belonging needs aren't being met and I guess even though I do have decent self-esteem like most people it's not perfect.

Ignorance is bliss, purely because one does not then comprehend, what one has absently missing from their lives.

We now have a human race of 7billion+ people on the planet, my tiny existence is rather meaningless in the grand scheme of things. My name is not going to go down in history. I'm not going to impact or change the world. I have no shining talent to share, I'm tone deaf and not really musical or crafty.
I'm not making any real contribution to this earth, to humanity. In fact I rather dislike the way humanity is supposedly progressing, politically and socially on a global scale.

I'm not religious but equally I don't believe in divorce. I did desire to grow old with someone, have a family be a wife and a mother. I'm 34 in July, if it hasn't happened to me by now the reality is the statistical odds are actually stacked against me.

I want to live life to the fullest but that cannot be achieved while we globally use money as our main form of exchange system. I can't see that changing in my life time. I can't change the world, yet this world dictates so much over my life and lack of a lifestyle.

I didn't want a mansion, I don't need a BMW, or brand label clothes.
I just wanted the basics, I thought getting an university education and working hard was the way to achieve that. I thought doing the right lawful things, being a good and decent person meant that the world would return good, decent things back in my direction.

I didn't account for the exponential global population explosion which has meant every criminal, politician, and humanitarian basically destroys all possible opportunities for someone like myself to get ahead.

I didn't account for the human impact and all its negative implications.

All I desired was the basics, to have a family, a place to really finally call home, and to grow old with someone. That's not asking for too much, that's merely trying to fulfil the most basic human and biological rights.

So why is it so unattainable for me to achieve ?

I wont create life unless I'm married and can offer an offspring the stability of a home, the basic things I never had, a solid family environment and a place to call home.

Why does it feel that even though I hold nothing but good intentions and live a lawful life, it is me that is suffering right here and now, because of the absence of all the things that are meant to be so natural.

What's the point of living in a developed country with all our medicine, technology and knowledge when all it does is show people like myself all the unachievable aspects our lives will never contain ?

It's not that I want to die, it's that I wish to start truly living life, and if I cannot truly live, then why should I continue to attempt to just merely exist ?

I feel there is something inside of me keeping me here, willing me to just hang on for some unknown reason.
I'm missing something, something I'm unaware of, some other part of me, maybe its a soul mate, a twin-flame, perhaps it is something else. I just don't know.

The only thing I'm certain of is I'm sick of just existing in each passing day.