Thank you to all those that took the time to respond to my post. Some of the advice you shared is accurate with who I am and why I feel the way I do.
Firstly, I'd like to say that I no longer have faith in make believe tales like those propagated through a man written book known as the bible.
I do crave human contact ~SIGH~ I don't really have much family (no parents) I do have my grandparents however they are getting older and I had hoped that I would have settled by now and started my own family but that hasn't happened for me. I guess spinsters have always existed throughout time, history has shown that there isn't someone for everyone.
My medical health is all in the normal range, actually I'm in perfect health which means I'm intended to live a long life. I often feel guilty for that, Why is it that someone like myself can have a long life, yet others who have many good things to live for and look forward too have theirs cut short ?
My sleep patterns are all over the place between work and studies I just don't have enough hours in my days, when I do get time for sleep I am too stressed or anxious to get a decent night's rest.
As for the advice, I asked an acquaintance and yes they were puzzled.
Most people that come into contact with me professionally always state "I'm such a people person". Truth is I can't stand most people and I don't enjoy socialising among strangers. I'm ok one on one to hang out with, where the opportunity to have a decent connection with another person arises, but I don't do all that superficial surface value chit chat. You could say I'm more of an intense individual, I like a certain degree of depth to share with others.
Sitting on the train the other day on my way home from work, I felt like balling my eyes out. If this is as good as life gets for me, I don't want it anymore.
I stand on the train platform every day and often think what if I just make those few steps off the edge and jump onto the tracks. Who'd even notice that I was gone. My work might, my grandparents, and I have one other acquaintance that would notice, but beyond that, my life would be forgotten.
Please don't misunderstand me, I don't have a desire to die. I don't really have a desire to end it all per se. However, I similarly don't hold the desire to continue on with life as it currently is. If the reason of life is to live, then what I am doing is merely surviving but not truly living.
Sure I'm still physically here and breathing, but I'm just existing, not living.
That's what I worked hard towards, wished, hoped, and prayed for to change.
I don't want to be here if all I'm ever able to do and achieve is to simply survive.
This might sound jealous but I look at pop stars, celebrities ect and think, wow our society has it's priorities all backwards when those individuals that don't offer anything more than pure entertainment value, can financially reap more than 20 decent average working people do in their life times combined.
Trickle down economics has failed us globally, if it had remotely worked we wouldn't still have things like world poverty.
Maslow's hierarchy of needs, my most basic physiological need for a home of my own is something I cannot afford even on a full-time wage. I pay rent but this is not my place, it's not somewhere I can call my own, paint my own walls hang photo's and stuff. I can not afford to move or gain a mortgage even though I'm on a good wage, with the way life is in Sydney now, there is no hope for me to afford my own home. My Safety and Security needs are not met, along with not being able to afford my own little peace of this planet I also cannot afford to take time off work to have children, financial security isn't being met. As you have pointed out my Love and Belonging needs aren't being met and I guess even though I do have decent self-esteem like most people it's not perfect.
Ignorance is bliss, purely because one does not then comprehend, what one has absently missing from their lives.
We now have a human race of 7billion+ people on the planet, my tiny existence is rather meaningless in the grand scheme of things. My name is not going to go down in history. I'm not going to impact or change the world. I have no shining talent to share, I'm tone deaf and not really musical or crafty.
I'm not making any real contribution to this earth, to humanity. In fact I rather dislike the way humanity is supposedly progressing, politically and socially on a global scale.
I'm not religious but equally I don't believe in divorce. I did desire to grow old with someone, have a family be a wife and a mother. I'm 34 in July, if it hasn't happened to me by now the reality is the statistical odds are actually stacked against me.
I want to live life to the fullest but that cannot be achieved while we globally use money as our main form of exchange system. I can't see that changing in my life time. I can't change the world, yet this world dictates so much over my life and lack of a lifestyle.
I didn't want a mansion, I don't need a BMW, or brand label clothes.
I just wanted the basics, I thought getting an university education and working hard was the way to achieve that. I thought doing the right lawful things, being a good and decent person meant that the world would return good, decent things back in my direction.
I didn't account for the exponential global population explosion which has meant every criminal, politician, and humanitarian basically destroys all possible opportunities for someone like myself to get ahead.
I didn't account for the human impact and all its negative implications.
All I desired was the basics, to have a family, a place to really finally call home, and to grow old with someone. That's not asking for too much, that's merely trying to fulfil the most basic human and biological rights.
So why is it so unattainable for me to achieve ?
I wont create life unless I'm married and can offer an offspring the stability of a home, the basic things I never had, a solid family environment and a place to call home.
Why does it feel that even though I hold nothing but good intentions and live a lawful life, it is me that is suffering right here and now, because of the absence of all the things that are meant to be so natural.
What's the point of living in a developed country with all our medicine, technology and knowledge when all it does is show people like myself all the unachievable aspects our lives will never contain ?
It's not that I want to die, it's that I wish to start truly living life, and if I cannot truly live, then why should I continue to attempt to just merely exist ?
I feel there is something inside of me keeping me here, willing me to just hang on for some unknown reason.
I'm missing something, something I'm unaware of, some other part of me, maybe its a soul mate, a twin-flame, perhaps it is something else. I just don't know.
The only thing I'm certain of is I'm sick of just existing in each passing day.